Is the concept of a matriarch passe?
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Anonymous
DP here. Well you've certainly showed them that you're in control but it sounds like you're a little heavy-handed. You decide the religion and culture because you're the mother? Your husband can abdicate these decisions to you if he wants, but of course there's fallout with his parents. It's a tough pill to swallow whenever a minority religion or culture is excluded, but it might have been easier if you didn't thumb your nose at them for every other issue as well. You couldn't put egg in the potato salad (or serve something else since potato salad is a sticking point) given that you're shunning their religion? You've been clear that your ILs religion and culture don't matter to you, and now they don't want to be a part of yours. They have to go through you to get to their son and grandchild, so don't expect close relationships. |
Anonymous
DH and I decided together on how we would raise our children. He was, and is, in agreement with me raising them as Christians. I don’t ever make potato salad, LOL. DH’s mother makes it with eggs in it. Not my preference, but I never say anything, of course. I get along very well with his parents. |
Anonymous
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^^^ I should add, part of the reason I'm raising our kids as Christians is that DH had and has no interest in raising them as Jewish. I was unwilling to take on the responsibility of raising them in a religion that is not mine.
It is very common practice among all of the world religions - and certainly in Judaism - for mothers to be responsible for raising the children in the family religion. |
Anonymous
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I feel like the matriarch thing may be a little southern. But I think it can play out very different ways. In our family the matriarch has always been the oldest or best-organized woman. They act as the conduit for connection across the family. They share news both happy and sad. And they open their homes for larger events in a gracious and not controlling way. Sometimes the stress of always hosting can take a toll, and then control issues can come creeping up.
I was just discussing with my cousin how she is stepping into that role for her family and I am in mine. In my case, I hosted our family Christmas and my mom brought her China with her as a ceremonial passing of the torch. I will admit I am a bit ambivalent, but I am committed to keeping our family connected. Although I work FT, we have a house that can host everyone (vs my NY dwelling brother) and we are used to lots of noisy kids and dietary restrictions. So it does make sense. When we’ve lived in less convenient spots, I have organized travel so we can all see each other. It is work, but it would be a loss if we lost our connections when the older generations pass. |
Anonymous
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Ppl have kids later and later. By the time one has a bunch of grandkids, they might be pretty old and not as able.
Not to mention ppl have less kids and can you really be a matriarch with one or two kids and one or two grandkids? My grandma was a matriarch. She had her first kid at 18 and had six kids and over a dozen grandkids by her 50s. |
Anonymous
Our family has a dysfunctional self appointed matriarch. She actually gets angry if anyone sends an email to the entire family without vetting it through her. She comes up with the stupidest reasons. I overheard her scolding my cousin for sending an email telling her that the family is only used to seeing emails from her and all things should go through her. She added that there are family members that trust her judgement and want to be kept in the loop but not reveal their email to others in the family. This was such BS. With the exception of an imaginary friend, there are no other people on this list. If she gets mad at someone, she removes them from the list. She uses the list to try to control events. SIL is pissed at her now because she will not give SIL someone's contact information. She sent out an email that so and so needs XYZ. SIL wrote back to her sayingI have that and please send me her contact info and we'll handle the coordination. SIL had the contact info and just had lost it when she changed devices. She's refusing to do this and insisting on being the one to coordinate. She wants SIL to send her her family's schedule for the next several months so she can pick a coordination date. SIL ended up calling other family members until she found someone who had the contact info. The more distant relative was perfectly happy to hear from SIL and coordinate with her. The self appointed matriarch is pissed though since she isn't in the middle of it. |
Anonymous
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I don't think the concept of matriarch is passe. In my family, my mom is the matriarch. She was a trained teacher who worked when money was needed but essentially was a SAHM. Dad deferred to her in all decisions big or small. He concentrated on his career, which was also helped along by my mom because she did all the hosting etc. She has a lot of influence in the way her kids and grandkids make decisions.
I am a SAHM and both my sisters work. We all are matriarchs of our families because we make the decisions. My SIL (eldest brother's wife) works and she leaves all decisions on my brother because she cannot plan out things. My middle brother's wife also works and decision making in their family is egalitarian. I feel they have both a matriarch and patriarch in the family. I think someone is a Matriarch only if she has some kind of power over decision-making within the family. She also has something to offer the family to influence these decisions. Sometimes, she wields power through influence, organizational capabilities, wisdom, family name or money: sometimes, she is the only one that can provide domestic stability, child care, education, elder care, food, a functioning household etc, and if she withdraws from these roles then things will fall apart for everyone, So, she is is deemed important and people defer to her. You cannot be a matriarch when you have no influence and others do not need or heed you. My DH is a high earner but he does not have the time to take the mental burden of planning and executing goals for the family, finances, children etc. When the burden fell on me and he relinquished all control (including financial) then my decisions were powered by influence and backed by money. When I was working and the decisions and execution fell on both of us, we were actually floundering, because we were short of time and had a ton of responsibilities which proved difficult to juggle. In my opinion, matriarchs come into being when females have the power to make decisions & plans and the ability to see it to fruition. The ability could be based on their organizational capability, economic or social influence and the work they do is for the good of their family and extended family. They are also recognized, trusted, respected, and deferred to by all. Most single moms (at least till the time kids are small) are the matriarchs of their families, because they are the leaders of their pack, in my opinion. Similarly, patriarchs also provide leadership to the packs. But if a society is patriarchal, it usually does not have the finesses to balance the needs of both genders and mostly it ends up sacrificing female rights and happiness for the benefit of the male members of the society. It mostly works by creating rules and laws that subjugates women in domestic, sexual, economic, social ways and prevents access to rights, education, reproductive choices to women. Our society is currently becoming more and more patriarchal and we are seeing the ill effects on every sphere of our society. It is thus more important to at least have matriarchs in the domestic domain, when possible. My 2 cents. |
Anonymous
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Fascinating! I love reading all of these perspectives. Thank you!
-OP |
Anonymous
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I haven’t read the whole thread but geography of families is very different now than it was a generation or two ago, as is family structure.
In my grandmother’s generation, my grandmother lived a 2-day drive from her hometown, but all 4 of her sisters raised their kids within a 4-hour drive of their childhood home. In circumstances like that, it made sense for everyone to travel to one central location, namely, the hometown that everyone lived relatively close to. In my mother’s generation, her parents moved away from the home where they raised their kids and to a new state. Her parents ended up in CA, my mom was in Virginia, and her three brothers were in Arizona, Washington State, and Georgia. There was no real central location as it became more common to move away from your hometown and follow job opportunities elsewhere. In my generation, my parents divorced, so one lives in southern VA and one lives in New Mexico. I live in DC and my brother lives in Seattle. Not only is there no central location, but we have to alternate seeing parents. So as society became more mobile and as family structures became more fluid, the idea of celebrating holidays in the same house year after year makes much less sense. |