Mother's Day with DW or with Mom

[Anonymous]

Why cant you celebrate with both your mom and DW? Then next year celebrate with her mom and DW?

Most of the people I know do it all together if everyone is fairly local. In your case, I would do one of your mother's on Sat and then the other and DW on Sun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Celebrate mom, celebrate mom of your kids. Just don't make your wife celebrate *your* mom (unless she wants to).

Why not? Without DH's mom, you wouldn't have DH...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with what Carolyn Hax writes in her column today:

A mother of adult children with their own families can tell them that her Mother's Day gift to them is an unconditional release from all obligations on Mother's Day. Say you'll love to see them (if true) and will be happy to plan or play along or observe it on the day of their choice or baby-sit so they can have time alone or whatever else (if true), but you will not be a duty they have to fulfill.

You want to take advice from a stranger who writes a newspaper column on how you should handle your own personal relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with what Carolyn Hax writes in her column today:

A mother of adult children with their own families can tell them that her Mother's Day gift to them is an unconditional release from all obligations on Mother's Day. Say you'll love to see them (if true) and will be happy to plan or play along or observe it on the day of their choice or baby-sit so they can have time alone or whatever else (if true), but you will not be a duty they have to fulfill.

You want to take advice from a stranger who writes a newspaper column on how you should handle your own personal relationships?

No. I’d much rather take advice from an anonymous, unvetted commenter on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

[Anonymous]

They've* done

[Anonymous]

I agree that celebrating with extended family is lovely. But when the older generation has a chip on their shoulder and does not acknowledge that you're a mom too and worse still, doesn't seem to care that you're in the thick of the most exhausting phase of being a mother, it gets old really fast. For MD all I want is to be able to say no to things that I normally have to suck up for, that means staying back and relaxing if ILs want to get together. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Umm what? Does parenting a 40 year old even compare to parenting a 2 year old? Or waking up 5x a night with a newborn? I love my mom and she's my best friend, but her parenting is now just listening to me on the phone. Parenting is hard work for 18 years and then parents and children become friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Well I think the issues is women don’t want to spend the day with someone they don’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Umm what? Does parenting a 40 year old even compare to parenting a 2 year old? Or waking up 5x a night with a newborn? I love my mom and she's my best friend, but her parenting is now just listening to me on the phone. Parenting is hard work for 18 years and then parents and children become friends.

Oh right, your mom or *gasp* MIL never did those things, right? PLUS the advice and companionship as an adult? Let me put it to you bluntly: get over yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Umm what? Does parenting a 40 year old even compare to parenting a 2 year old? Or waking up 5x a night with a newborn? I love my mom and she's my best friend, but her parenting is now just listening to me on the phone. Parenting is hard work for 18 years and then parents and children become friends.

Oh right, your mom or *gasp* MIL never did those things, right? PLUS the advice and companionship as an adult? Let me put it to you bluntly: get over yourself!

Sure they did. And they got honored on those mothers days then. Are we supposed to thank our moms for wiping our asses 30 years ago every year? Didn't you feel appreciated then? Why do 70 year olds want appreciated for work they did decades ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Well I think the issues is women don’t want to spend the day with someone they don’t like.

This hits the nail on the head. As mothers we spend 364 days a year putting other people's needs above our own. So for this one day a year, many women want to just say, eff it, I'm going to spend it however I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

My family does this as well. Frankly, the older I get, the more I appreciate my mom for all the things she did for me that I didn’t see the magnitude of until I was an adult. Her status as a grandmother doesn’t change that she is my mother. Same for ILs. I mean, they done six decades of parenting compared to a few years. I don’t get the DCUM people who think once your kid marries off you’re undeserving and it has to be all about the new wife.

Umm what? Does parenting a 40 year old even compare to parenting a 2 year old? Or waking up 5x a night with a newborn? I love my mom and she's my best friend, but her parenting is now just listening to me on the phone. Parenting is hard work for 18 years and then parents and children become friends.

Oh right, your mom or *gasp* MIL never did those things, right? PLUS the advice and companionship as an adult? Let me put it to you bluntly: get over yourself!

Sure they did. And they got honored on those mothers days then. Are we supposed to thank our moms for wiping our asses 30 years ago every year? Didn't you feel appreciated then? Why do 70 year olds want appreciated for work they did decades ago?

I am not 70–I’m 39 actually—but see me when YOU’RE 70 and let me know if you feel that your parenting ended at age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with what Carolyn Hax writes in her column today:

A mother of adult children with their own families can tell them that her Mother's Day gift to them is an unconditional release from all obligations on Mother's Day. Say you'll love to see them (if true) and will be happy to plan or play along or observe it on the day of their choice or baby-sit so they can have time alone or whatever else (if true), but you will not be a duty they have to fulfill.

You want to take advice from a stranger who writes a newspaper column on how you should handle your own personal relationships?

No. I’d much rather take advice from an anonymous, unvetted commenter on DCUM.

Can we be friends?

[Anonymous]

There are a million ways to celebrate MD and what's "right" really depends on the people involved. Kudos to OP for being thoughtful and asking the question, especially relatively early in his marriage, so he can figure out what works for the people he loves and hopefully avoid resentments. Well done.