Mother's Day with DW or with Mom

post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships

◄ 1 2 3 4 5 ► Go

Go to page...

05/10/2019 12:28

Subject: Mother's Day with DW or with Mom

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I are in our 50s, and our mom lived 1.5 miles from each of us. We've both been married for 20 years, and I've watched this go down now for that long.

From the first mother's day when she was still pregnant, my brother's wife insisted that mother's day was "her" day so my brother could spend either Saturday or Monday with my mother, but not the actual day.

Some of you may think this is reasonable. But I want to put this view into perspective by adding an element that makes the choice come into focus...

Many years she would celebrate it with HER mother, who lived 1 mile from my mother, and my brother was to come, but not to go visit his own mother. That is how this line of thinking logically goes.

So here is the thing: I GET it...my brother has to live with and sleep with his wife, and keep the family together and not start marital war, so he's going to do what she says.

However; my brother's wife is NOT my brother's mother. He has a mother, and it's Mother's Day and imo he should be celebrating his own mother at some point during that day.

Yes this gets tricky especially when little kids are involved; he needs to help them celebrate their mother, his wife.

But in a situation where you, geographically, you can visit BOTH, I think it's important for the wife to let her husband see his own mother.

So if the wife is the breakfast in bed/spa type, then get her breakfast in bed, and when she goes to the spa, take the kids to see grandma. Or something. Or mom comes down for dinner with the family. Many configurations are possible.

I will say this: It really hurt my mom's feelings. She was wonderful and sucked it up. She was always kind to my SIL. But it hurt; I know, because I was there and heard about it, every year.

My mom's memorial is tomorrow. I'm supposed to be packing but am stalling on DCUM instead.

I just want to say, in general, wives of DHs have many, many, many more mother's days in their future. Moms of DHs don't have many. It was hard to watch, especially when my mom was in bad health, knowing each mother's day might be her last, and my brother was not there. When there was no reason that he couldn't have split the day, BUT-FOR my SIL insisting that "I'm a mother now. Mother's Day is MY day now."

Once you are a mother, you are always a mother. And my mom didn't have her husband anymore; it's just us adult kids. If the adult kids don't do anything, she's alone on that day.

I don't really understand if my SIL realizes what she is teaching her son. If he internalizes this, then she's going to be old, alone, around the corner but not visited on mother's day.

I’m sorry about your mom OP. It’s hard to see your mom hurt like that. I have a SIL who is the same - everything is about her and her family. I resented her a long time, but I realized my brother is a grown man who could stand up to her if he really wanted. In the end, what hurt your mother wasn’t what your SIL wanted, but that your brother went along with it, and he didn’t see her as important enough to take a stand. That’s what I’ve realized about my brother. He’s selfish. He and his wife deserve each other. Thankfully, my other SIL is kind and generous and tries to be fair about holidays and other occasions with both sides of the family. And seeing how it affected our mother (who, like yours, kept it to herself around my brother and SIL), my sister and I try extra hard to think about and include our ILs. Hugs to you.