Would You Have Said Something?

[Anonymous]

I think recreational cocaine and marijuana use is common. But if you have a spouse that would freak out at the very idea then of course you don't do it. Really what people do though is make sure the spouse doesn't find out. Same with drinking and smoking when people don't see eye to eye.
OP needs advice on what to do and we would all like to help, but I don't think some of these suggestions are really practical or would actually do anything. Pictures of drugs are just pictures of drugs. Unless he says they belong to him then they don't mean anything. I wouldn't take pictures. If she tells him to get out he only has to say no. She doesn't have the right to evict him from his own home. If she called the police they would come and tell her that.

Also, I don't know if OP mentioned it, but what is your husbands position on the occasional pill and the drugs you found? Is he remorseful or defensive? Is he committed to ditching the drug use (even if it's occasional) or does he think you're overreacting. You can''t force someone to seek help, but if the thought of losing his family doesn't make him reconsider his drug use then I think you have your answer OP.

And be careful about just taking your kids and leaving. It may sound like the right thing to do, but he could actually call the police on you if you take the kids and go. I'm not trying to discourage you, but you should think everything through carefully before just acting on a whim. The most important thing is to know your options.

You need support from people that are going through the same thing. And don't get caught in the trap of thinking you can't do anything because you don't know how you'd survive financially without him. I watched my mother go through this for the last 20+ years and it is the worse thing you can do to your kids. Start with Nar-anon or even Al-Anon if that's all we have in the area. I wish you the best in getting through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think recreational cocaine and marijuana use is common. But if you have a spouse that would freak out at the very idea then of course you don't do it. Really what people do though is make sure the spouse doesn't find out. Same with drinking and smoking when people don't see eye to eye.
OP needs advice on what to do and we would all like to help, but I don't think some of these suggestions are really practical or would actually do anything. Pictures of drugs are just pictures of drugs. Unless he says they belong to him then they don't mean anything. I wouldn't take pictures. If she tells him to get out he only has to say no. She doesn't have the right to evict him from his own home. If she called the police they would come and tell her that.

Also, I don't know if OP mentioned it, but what is your husbands position on the occasional pill and the drugs you found? Is he remorseful or defensive? Is he committed to ditching the drug use (even if it's occasional) or does he think you're overreacting. You can''t force someone to seek help, but if the thought of losing his family doesn't make him reconsider his drug use then I think you have your answer OP.

And be careful about just taking your kids and leaving. It may sound like the right thing to do, but he could actually call the police on you if you take the kids and go. I'm not trying to discourage you, but you should think everything through carefully before just acting on a whim. The most important thing is to know your options.

You need support from people that are going through the same thing. And don't get caught in the trap of thinking you can't do anything because you don't know how you'd survive financially without him. I watched my mother go through this for the last 20+ years and it is the worse thing you can do to your kids. Start with Nar-anon or even Al-Anon if that's all we have in the area. I wish you the best in getting through this.

If OP did call the police, they'd probably be pretty interested in the illegal substances she found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think recreational cocaine and marijuana use is common. But if you have a spouse that would freak out at the very idea then of course you don't do it. Really what people do though is make sure the spouse doesn't find out. Same with drinking and smoking when people don't see eye to eye.
OP needs advice on what to do and we would all like to help, but I don't think some of these suggestions are really practical or would actually do anything. Pictures of drugs are just pictures of drugs. Unless he says they belong to him then they don't mean anything. I wouldn't take pictures. If she tells him to get out he only has to say no. She doesn't have the right to evict him from his own home. If she called the police they would come and tell her that.

Also, I don't know if OP mentioned it, but what is your husbands position on the occasional pill and the drugs you found? Is he remorseful or defensive? Is he committed to ditching the drug use (even if it's occasional) or does he think you're overreacting. You can''t force someone to seek help, but if the thought of losing his family doesn't make him reconsider his drug use then I think you have your answer OP.

And be careful about just taking your kids and leaving. It may sound like the right thing to do, but he could actually call the police on you if you take the kids and go. I'm not trying to discourage you, but you should think everything through carefully before just acting on a whim. The most important thing is to know your options.

You need support from people that are going through the same thing. And don't get caught in the trap of thinking you can't do anything because you don't know how you'd survive financially without him. I watched my mother go through this for the last 20+ years and it is the worse thing you can do to your kids. Start with Nar-anon or even Al-Anon if that's all we have in the area. I wish you the best in getting through this.

If OP did call the police, they'd probably be pretty interested in the illegal substances she found.

Yeah, but there's not much they can do unless he says, "Yeah they're mine". Even worse because the drugs are in her house she's equally responsible. This is why it's incredibly shitty of him to put her and the kids in this type of danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control his behavior, you can only control your reaction to it. Is this the life you want? No? Then tell him. Tell him you will support his recovery, but you did NOT sign up for this lifestyle and its not healthy for him, you and most definitely kids.

I went through this...and by god, when I was finally finished with empty threats, and got to a place where I was actually ready to leave, he went to rehab, and we are actually pretty merry now! (Wary, but merry).

How did you go from threatening to leave to actually being able to leave? And where do I send him for help?

I went to therapy. My therapist was able to help me see the road I was on (and taking my daughter down). II also started going to Alanon meetings (online). I witnessed the lamentations of all the other participants in alanon who were still with their abusing family members, I realized that I didn't want to be one of those bitter, martyred people. I didn't want my daughter to feel that pain, either.

I got my husband to promise to go to ONE therapy session (my therapist recommended a male doctor, who was trained in helping other guys acknowledge their problem) I was pretty amazed that when he came home from that one session, he agreed to go to outpatient treatment (Kolmac clinic, downtown DC) for 90 days. He did the anabuse, drug testing, etc.. That was a year ago...and he still seems pretty enthusiastic about not drinking (drugs were never his vice). I believe the therapist name was Coza? Stephen Coza? I can look it up if you would like?

[Anonymous]

how much drinking are we talking about? getting drunk EVERY day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think most here are overreacting. there is a big difference between recreational drug use, which isnt much different than drinking alcohol recreationally, and being an "addict" or even abusing.

This is OP, he is 100% an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how much drinking are we talking about? getting drunk EVERY day?

Yes, every day and denying it. Going through a 12 pak of beer in 3 hours. A bottle of wine plus beer. Buying small bottles of rum or vodka and soda. Pouring out half the soda and drinking the mix while driving home from work. That isn't normal, is it? That to me is a problem. And the thing of it is I can see it in his face and the way he speaks but he denies it and calls me crazy. I thought I might be up until I found the empty rum/vodka bottles in his computer bag.

He keeps telling me this was a one time thing with the drugs, but I dont believe him. It all adds up now and I am trusting my gut. He lies, then lies some more. I don't even want to talk or look at him.

Would anyone be able to recommend someone in Montgomery County, preferably close to Rockville, that I could go talk to for myself? Anyone for him? His dr gave the names of some therapists but I would love for him to see someone who specializes in addiction. I will make the call/appt myself so he has to go.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. As you see, the warning flags are blazing. Be proud of yourself for seeking professional help on this. I honestly see it as the only way to "fix" this.

As you asked, His behavior is NOT normal, not recreational, and yes he does need professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how much drinking are we talking about? getting drunk EVERY day?

Yes, every day and denying it. Going through a 12 pak of beer in 3 hours. A bottle of wine plus beer. Buying small bottles of rum or vodka and soda. Pouring out half the soda and drinking the mix while driving home from work. That isn't normal, is it? That to me is a problem. And the thing of it is I can see it in his face and the way he speaks but he denies it and calls me crazy. I thought I might be up until I found the empty rum/vodka bottles in his computer bag.

He keeps telling me this was a one time thing with the drugs, but I dont believe him. It all adds up now and I am trusting my gut. He lies, then lies some more. I don't even want to talk or look at him.

Would anyone be able to recommend someone in Montgomery County, preferably close to Rockville, that I could go talk to for myself? Anyone for him? His dr gave the names of some therapists but I would love for him to see someone who specializes in addiction. I will make the call/appt myself so he has to go.

OP, I tried a few therapists around Rockville but wasn't impressed. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? If so, they could be a good resource for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think recreational cocaine and marijuana use is common. But if you have a spouse that would freak out at the very idea then of course you don't do it. Really what people do though is make sure the spouse doesn't find out. Same with drinking and smoking when people don't see eye to eye.
OP needs advice on what to do and we would all like to help, but I don't think some of these suggestions are really practical or would actually do anything. Pictures of drugs are just pictures of drugs. Unless he says they belong to him then they don't mean anything. I wouldn't take pictures. If she tells him to get out he only has to say no. She doesn't have the right to evict him from his own home. If she called the police they would come and tell her that.

Also, I don't know if OP mentioned it, but what is your husbands position on the occasional pill and the drugs you found? Is he remorseful or defensive? Is he committed to ditching the drug use (even if it's occasional) or does he think you're overreacting. You can''t force someone to seek help, but if the thought of losing his family doesn't make him reconsider his drug use then I think you have your answer OP.

And be careful about just taking your kids and leaving. It may sound like the right thing to do, but he could actually call the police on you if you take the kids and go. I'm not trying to discourage you, but you should think everything through carefully before just acting on a whim. The most important thing is to know your options.

You need support from people that are going through the same thing. And don't get caught in the trap of thinking you can't do anything because you don't know how you'd survive financially without him. I watched my mother go through this for the last 20+ years and it is the worse thing you can do to your kids. Start with Nar-anon or even Al-Anon if that's all we have in the area. I wish you the best in getting through this.

If OP did call the police, they'd probably be pretty interested in the illegal substances she found.

Yeah, but there's not much they can do unless he says, "Yeah they're mine". Even worse because the drugs are in her house she's equally responsible. This is why it's incredibly shitty of him to put her and the kids in this type of danger.

Police can and do arrest for this all the time. Now, whether it ends up as a conviction? That's a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. As you see, the warning flags are blazing. Be proud of yourself for seeking professional help on this. I honestly see it as the only way to "fix" this.

As you asked, His behavior is NOT normal, not recreational, and yes he does need professional help.

Is recreational use even normal? Do people really take things like vicodin just for fun? I guess it's just not me which makes it worse.

DH tried to blame this on me, told me I was half the problem. I told him he was NOT going to blame me for his addictions. No WAY. He told me that "I dont listen". I told him that I do listen, and I hear what he is telling me, but it does not mean I believe him. Which I think is totally fair. I don't believe him. He tried to tell me it was a one time thing, the drugs, which I think is BS now that I look back on his behavior. He told me if I told his family he would walk me out the house himself.

He thinks he has control and he is just going to stop. I want to think the same but I have little faith at this point. I dont want to be negative towards his efforts so I just stay quiet. Funny thing is, he had to run out this morning and took his work bag which he didn't need. That of course raises flags to me he has something in there he is hiding, just because now I am paranoid and the behavior is unusual. I really need to talk to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how much drinking are we talking about? getting drunk EVERY day?

Yes, every day and denying it. Going through a 12 pak of beer in 3 hours. A bottle of wine plus beer. Buying small bottles of rum or vodka and soda. Pouring out half the soda and drinking the mix while driving home from work. That isn't normal, is it? That to me is a problem. And the thing of it is I can see it in his face and the way he speaks but he denies it and calls me crazy. I thought I might be up until I found the empty rum/vodka bottles in his computer bag.

He keeps telling me this was a one time thing with the drugs, but I dont believe him. It all adds up now and I am trusting my gut. He lies, then lies some more. I don't even want to talk or look at him.

Would anyone be able to recommend someone in Montgomery County, preferably close to Rockville, that I could go talk to for myself? Anyone for him? His dr gave the names of some therapists but I would love for him to see someone who specializes in addiction. I will make the call/appt myself so he has to go.

OP, I tried a few therapists around Rockville but wasn't impressed. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? If so, they could be a good resource for you.

I do not have a job outside the home, I stay at home with our kids so I really do not have any HR or program to reach out to. DH is a contractor so I doubt he has any type of info available to him either.

PP, is there a certain therapist to avoid? I am going to try to search for someone. Maybe I can find someone in Bethesda or Chevy Chase.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I posted earlier to advise you to put your foot down, but considering what you just discovered, it is time to protect yourself and the kids first, and think about DH's health second.

Contact a lawyer to help you make the best decision for your future.
1. what are the repercussions to a divorce settlement if you leave the house now with your children (even more important if you might take them out of state).
2. how might an admitted addiction play into such a settlement? (or an un-admitted one in which you have to scrounge around for proof, contact the person he was seeing for his alcohol problem, take photos of drugs in the house, etc)

Do not be afraid to threaten divorce, AFTER you have covertly gathered all necessary evidence. Like other PPs, I found this "sledgehammer" method extremely efficient at making DH drastically change his attitude (not an addicton in his case though), because he realized I would truly leave him if he didn't. My difficulties were compounded by the fact that I had no personal revenue and could not "kidnap" my own kids out of the US to my home country (were all my family lived). I felt so alone and powerless against my DH at that terrible time in my life. Thank goodness, he has seen the error of his ways.

If you have family close by and even more if you work, you have a ton of leverage!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how much drinking are we talking about? getting drunk EVERY day?

Yes, every day and denying it. Going through a 12 pak of beer in 3 hours. A bottle of wine plus beer. Buying small bottles of rum or vodka and soda. Pouring out half the soda and drinking the mix while driving home from work. That isn't normal, is it? That to me is a problem. And the thing of it is I can see it in his face and the way he speaks but he denies it and calls me crazy. I thought I might be up until I found the empty rum/vodka bottles in his computer bag.

He keeps telling me this was a one time thing with the drugs, but I dont believe him. It all adds up now and I am trusting my gut. He lies, then lies some more. I don't even want to talk or look at him.

Would anyone be able to recommend someone in Montgomery County, preferably close to Rockville, that I could go talk to for myself? Anyone for him? His dr gave the names of some therapists but I would love for him to see someone who specializes in addiction. I will make the call/appt myself so he has to go.

OP, I tried a few therapists around Rockville but wasn't impressed. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? If so, they could be a good resource for you.

I do not have a job outside the home, I stay at home with our kids so I really do not have any HR or program to reach out to. DH is a contractor so I doubt he has any type of info available to him either.

PP, is there a certain therapist to avoid? I am going to try to search for someone. Maybe I can find someone in Bethesda or Chevy Chase.

I don't know if there's a need to avoid particular therapists. I think a significant factor is how the two of you click.

One bit of advice while searching though: There are those who think talk therapy is the be-all/end-all. But I've done enough soul searching to figure out my strengths and weaknesses. What I look for, and what I had trouble finding in Rockville, was someone who determined what the problems were and then gave me the tools/skill set necessary to make changes (cognitive-behavioral therapy or CBT).

I didn't check Shady Grove Hospital for a therapist, but might in the future if I feel the need. I have worked with many other types of medical professionals affiliated with the hospital and have been very impressed with them all (unfortunately the family's faced many health challenges in the past few years, from pregnancy to cancer). It couldn't hurt to start here for a referral.

http://www.adventisthealthcare.com/ABH/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. As you see, the warning flags are blazing. Be proud of yourself for seeking professional help on this. I honestly see it as the only way to "fix" this.

As you asked, His behavior is NOT normal, not recreational, and yes he does need professional help.

Is recreational use even normal? Do people really take things like vicodin just for fun? I guess it's just not me which makes it worse.

DH tried to blame this on me, told me I was half the problem. I told him he was NOT going to blame me for his addictions. No WAY. He told me that "I dont listen". I told him that I do listen, and I hear what he is telling me, but it does not mean I believe him. Which I think is totally fair. I don't believe him. He tried to tell me it was a one time thing, the drugs, which I think is BS now that I look back on his behavior. He told me if I told his family he would walk me out the house himself.

He thinks he has control and he is just going to stop. I want to think the same but I have little faith at this point. I dont want to be negative towards his efforts so I just stay quiet. Funny thing is, he had to run out this morning and took his work bag which he didn't need. That of course raises flags to me he has something in there he is hiding, just because now I am paranoid and the behavior is unusual. I really need to talk to someone.

No. But when I see things like "I think recreational cocaine and marijuana use is common" on post (pg3) I get concerned and wanted to be clear.