Have you or spouse cut back at work to accommodate needs of SN child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're struggling with the same decision. Our child with ADHD (even with meds) is tough to manage on a day to day basis, homework battles, two full time jobs, no family around, travel, etc. We also feel so guilty about the younger child (neuro-typical) whose needs are often put on the back burner while we deal with the older child. In our situation, it would be DH who would quit his job. We would need to downsize from our SHF to a townhouse, which we actually don't mind as we have an older SHF that requires a lot of work with yard work, etc. Once we make the decision, we were going to explain to the children that we are making this decision so we have more time for the family, don't have to rush as much, don't need to put them in full time camp (which they both don't like). While this would be the right decision for the children and our sanity, it's not an easy decision and we're torn.

Make sure your downsizing takes into account retirement and college savings. We did this, and now it is very hard for my husband to get back in teh workforce.

Our older child is close to college age, and we will need financial aid. The college financial aid formulas all are penalizing us $40K / year, for the 'luxury' of a SAHP.

In what part of the formula do they add 40 k for a SAHP and which universities? The one we are dealing with claims they don’t do that (at least for special circumstances).

i'm the PP. In our situation, the SN child is now in high school and functioning well enough to be headed to college (Yay - intensive therapy and early intervention worked).

The problem is the spouse who stepped off the career track is having a difficult timing getting back to sort of position that pays more than minimum wage. The colleges are not recognizing our situation as a 'special circumstances' but simply regard him as a stay at home parent by choice.

Well, keep negotiating I guess. If DH gets a minimum wage job they can’t add anything to that at least.
I’m having the same issue (former engineer) and I do some minimum wage jobs now while I wait to get better stuff. Our DS still needs full time care though so I can’t work that much - back to the parttime discussion I guess. It would be great if more people hired part timers.

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I have been in a similar situation at my previous place of employment. I was blessed to have worked for a company that valued family and allowed me to adjust my schedule when needed. I personally did let them know that it was necessary for me to be home more to care for my child which they both appreciated and understood. I know not ever company is able to accommodate such a thing but I pray that you'll be able to get the hours / days you require.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I'm so afraid of taking my foot of the gas because of the expenses involved in raising a SN child now and into the future, but I 'm the breadwinner. I worry about how he's going to support himself in the future too. I realize it may not be possible, but if you can, keep your foot in the door. It can be hard to jump back into a career and there may be a point where you need to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're struggling with the same decision. Our child with ADHD (even with meds) is tough to manage on a day to day basis, homework battles, two full time jobs, no family around, travel, etc. We also feel so guilty about the younger child (neuro-typical) whose needs are often put on the back burner while we deal with the older child. In our situation, it would be DH who would quit his job. We would need to downsize from our SHF to a townhouse, which we actually don't mind as we have an older SHF that requires a lot of work with yard work, etc. Once we make the decision, we were going to explain to the children that we are making this decision so we have more time for the family, don't have to rush as much, don't need to put them in full time camp (which they both don't like). While this would be the right decision for the children and our sanity, it's not an easy decision and we're torn.

Make sure your downsizing takes into account retirement and college savings. We did this, and now it is very hard for my husband to get back in teh workforce.

Our older child is close to college age, and we will need financial aid. The college financial aid formulas all are penalizing us $40K / year, for the 'luxury' of a SAHP.

I always thought there was some place in financial aid documents where you could explain unusual circumstances or expenditures?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I quit, a year before I was going to get my PhD. This ruined my career.
My young toddler was not drinking or eating anything during the entire day at daycare, and needed intensive therapies.

I got my J.D. but was unable to take my job offer at a big firm because of the time committment involved and the inability/unwillingness of my now exDH to take on any share of the work related to the special needs. Spending time at home absolutely was key to getting SN kid on a track to independence, but now that he can be independent, I am finding it impossible to find any kind of work that has a reasonable financial future. I drained my savings for SN school and therapies, so I am looking at a very grim financial future. Thankfully, I have a safety net with my family of origin. ExDH basically walked away from any responsibilities.

This country has got to value the work of caregivers --absent marriage or employment, it is very difficult to get healthcare. We also lose credits for social security, retirement benefits, etc.

Same here in many aspects. Though DH did help our son was so severe for the first 10 years of his life it was very stressful so even with that help I was still exhausted and overwhelmed 24/7 and so was he. We were not successful in raising an independent person but compared to how severe our son used to be we have been very successful in that he is able to function in the community in various activities. He is also pretty social considering his disability which is a miracle. So, we saved our kid from a lifetime of institutionalization which is great - he’s very happy.

I had advanced degrees in engineering and have not been able to renter the work force. We are also penniless and deeply in debt- it’s crazy. We have family that has money as well but no one has helped - we are hoping to be willed money someday.

If you can work part time at all if highly recommend keeping that ‘foot in the door’.

The bolded part is a huge accomplishment. Sounds like it's been a rough road, hang in there. You've done amazingly well.

I know, it is and it was totally worth it. I basically gave up ‘myself’ to do that, but it’s not bad as far as life achievement go I guess.

I'm the PP who referenced giving up career and gaining independence for child, and I want to say that I also applaud you for your achievement. Independence is not necessarily the marker for "success". Some kids will never be independent. All the things you mentioned are tremendous accomplishments.

You put how I feel perfectly -- "I basically gave up "myself" to do that, but it's not bad as far as a life achievement..." I too feel that raising my SN kid is a life achievement of which I can be proud, but I am angry that in this day and age we still have a society that is structured in a way that women are forced to give up themselves. How is it that my self still has so little value to others after so many years of feminism? The lost female self is actually a tremendous loss of human capital to society. I could have been a much more productive member of society (i.e. paying more in taxes and contributing accomplishments) if employment was structured so there was paid maternity and family leave. Or if there were more opportunities for real part time work (and not the faux 50% pay for 80% work deal or mommy track that many women are offered).

This is not just an SN issue. Many spouses of veterans and children of the elderly or those with family members with major medical illness have to make the same choices.

I am mad, and I, frankly, don't know how to make peace with it. Now that my children are older, I also see how it is affecting my daughter's thoughts about child-bearing. She wants no part of it, because she sees the cost to her. That makes me sad, because I actually have loved being a mom and have learned and grown a tremendous amount from it and think my kids have really benefitted. It is her decision to make, and in exchange she will have other kinds of life experiences, but I just wish we lived in a world where we weren't forced into these drastic choices.

And I only foresee it getting worse with restrictions on Medicaid and SS Disability Insurance.

[Anonymous]

I left my job when DC was four.

I wouldn't say it was an easy decision, but it was the right one. We're fortunate we can swing it financially.

I haven't completely given up hope of a career or at least an interesting occupation that makes a little money, but I don't regret the decision to leave my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than asking to formally cut back or go to a 4-day per week schedule, you could invoke intermittent FMLA, assuming your employer is relatively large.

This! That’s what I do.

Can you share more about how this works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

Does your firm have a part time option? Almost all big law firms do.

I am an 11th year big law associate with an autistic child. DS was diagnosed when I was an 8th year. I hung on as long as I could and, for the first time ever, missed my hours that year. I ended up going part time (75%) and I have been hanging in there ever since.

I squeeze my hours into 3 days. I spend the other two days shuttling my son from therapy to therapy. Usually, I have to do a couple hours of uncompensated work here and there on my days “off.” It is exhausting. Before all this happened, I was a high flying “superstar.” Top grades from a top law school with top clerkships spent with famous judges. My current firm recruited me from my last one with the promise of partnership eligibility within two years. It all fell apart with my son’s diagnosis.

I don’t feel resentful or bitter, but I feel sad. I definitely feel the diminished respect at work and I have had partners write me bad reviews after I worked my ass off, purely because I couldn’t offer 24/7 availability. I don’t have much of a social life. I am always tired. But I’m still employed and bringing home a much-needed check for my family, and can oversee my son’s care. I am grateful part time is an option, although I bill about 30-40 hours a week, which is full time in most professions.

[Anonymous]

No. DD has some sort of therapy three times a week. Once a week either DH or I take time off to go with the nanny to one of them so we have an idea of what's going on and can be sure we're doing her therapy homework the way they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

Does your firm have a part time option? Almost all big law firms do.

I am an 11th year big law associate with an autistic child. DS was diagnosed when I was an 8th year. I hung on as long as I could and, for the first time ever, missed my hours that year. I ended up going part time (75%) and I have been hanging in there ever since.

I squeeze my hours into 3 days. I spend the other two days shuttling my son from therapy to therapy. Usually, I have to do a couple hours of uncompensated work here and there on my days “off.” It is exhausting. Before all this happened, I was a high flying “superstar.” Top grades from a top law school with top clerkships spent with famous judges. My current firm recruited me from my last one with the promise of partnership eligibility within two years. It all fell apart with my son’s diagnosis.

I don’t feel resentful or bitter, but I feel sad. I definitely feel the diminished respect at work and I have had partners write me bad reviews after I worked my ass off, purely because I couldn’t offer 24/7 availability. I don’t have much of a social life. I am always tired. But I’m still employed and bringing home a much-needed check for my family, and can oversee my son’s care. I am grateful part time is an option, although I bill about 30-40 hours a week, which is full time in most professions.

Just want to say how sorry I am that your firm doesn't get you. I am a female law school graduate, and I am deeply disappointed that our profession still structures itself on 24/7 availability, which benefits men, primarily. The legal profession is deeply sexist, and I don't know how we can change it. Between the sexual harassment and diminished opportunities for advancement while also parenting, it's no suprise that there is still a dearth of female partners compared to the # of students who graduate law.

It shouldn't be like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

Does your firm have a part time option? Almost all big law firms do.

I am an 11th year big law associate with an autistic child. DS was diagnosed when I was an 8th year. I hung on as long as I could and, for the first time ever, missed my hours that year. I ended up going part time (75%) and I have been hanging in there ever since.

I squeeze my hours into 3 days. I spend the other two days shuttling my son from therapy to therapy. Usually, I have to do a couple hours of uncompensated work here and there on my days “off.” It is exhausting. Before all this happened, I was a high flying “superstar.” Top grades from a top law school with top clerkships spent with famous judges. My current firm recruited me from my last one with the promise of partnership eligibility within two years. It all fell apart with my son’s diagnosis.

I don’t feel resentful or bitter, but I feel sad. I definitely feel the diminished respect at work and I have had partners write me bad reviews after I worked my ass off, purely because I couldn’t offer 24/7 availability. I don’t have much of a social life. I am always tired. But I’m still employed and bringing home a much-needed check for my family, and can oversee my son’s care. I am grateful part time is an option, although I bill about 30-40 hours a week, which is full time in most professions.

Thanks so much for this, PP. Yeah, my firm does have a part time option and I need to talk to them about it. I too thought partnership was in my future. I too was on that trajectory and actually got through a fair bit of “life” while still able to maintain my excellent hours and reviews but dealing with my child’s constant needs has just made this nearly impossible. And I’m getting older and I can’t work all nighters like I used to. I am bone tired. To be honest I know now I will never make partner and I’m sad about it. It’s miserable watching everyone else make it and leave me behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

Does your firm have a part time option? Almost all big law firms do.

I am an 11th year big law associate with an autistic child. DS was diagnosed when I was an 8th year. I hung on as long as I could and, for the first time ever, missed my hours that year. I ended up going part time (75%) and I have been hanging in there ever since.

I squeeze my hours into 3 days. I spend the other two days shuttling my son from therapy to therapy. Usually, I have to do a couple hours of uncompensated work here and there on my days “off.” It is exhausting. Before all this happened, I was a high flying “superstar.” Top grades from a top law school with top clerkships spent with famous judges. My current firm recruited me from my last one with the promise of partnership eligibility within two years. It all fell apart with my son’s diagnosis.

I don’t feel resentful or bitter, but I feel sad. I definitely feel the diminished respect at work and I have had partners write me bad reviews after I worked my ass off, purely because I couldn’t offer 24/7 availability. I don’t have much of a social life. I am always tired. But I’m still employed and bringing home a much-needed check for my family, and can oversee my son’s care. I am grateful part time is an option, although I bill about 30-40 hours a week, which is full time in most professions.

Thanks so much for this, PP. Yeah, my firm does have a part time option and I need to talk to them about it. I too thought partnership was in my future. I too was on that trajectory and actually got through a fair bit of “life” while still able to maintain my excellent hours and reviews but dealing with my child’s constant needs has just made this nearly impossible. And I’m getting older and I can’t work all nighters like I used to. I am bone tired. To be honest I know now I will never make partner and I’m sad about it. It’s miserable watching everyone else make it and leave me behind.

Are you at a big firm? Is this any different if you are at a small boutique firm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I read this thread. I’m in Biglaw and I’m drowning. Didn’t make hours last year. If I tell them why I expect them to treat it as just an excuse. I worked so hard to get where I am but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I have a really hard time dealing with doctors and therapies and then shaking it off (so to speak) and getting back into my work projects. This process is emotionally exhausting.

Does your firm have a part time option? Almost all big law firms do.

I am an 11th year big law associate with an autistic child. DS was diagnosed when I was an 8th year. I hung on as long as I could and, for the first time ever, missed my hours that year. I ended up going part time (75%) and I have been hanging in there ever since.

I squeeze my hours into 3 days. I spend the other two days shuttling my son from therapy to therapy. Usually, I have to do a couple hours of uncompensated work here and there on my days “off.” It is exhausting. Before all this happened, I was a high flying “superstar.” Top grades from a top law school with top clerkships spent with famous judges. My current firm recruited me from my last one with the promise of partnership eligibility within two years. It all fell apart with my son’s diagnosis.

I don’t feel resentful or bitter, but I feel sad. I definitely feel the diminished respect at work and I have had partners write me bad reviews after I worked my ass off, purely because I couldn’t offer 24/7 availability. I don’t have much of a social life. I am always tired. But I’m still employed and bringing home a much-needed check for my family, and can oversee my son’s care. I am grateful part time is an option, although I bill about 30-40 hours a week, which is full time in most professions.

Just want to say how sorry I am that your firm doesn't get you. I am a female law school graduate, and I am deeply disappointed that our profession still structures itself on 24/7 availability, which benefits men, primarily. The legal profession is deeply sexist, and I don't know how we can change it. Between the sexual harassment and diminished opportunities for advancement while also parenting, it's no suprise that there is still a dearth of female partners compared to the # of students who graduate law.

It shouldn't be like this.

PP here. The sad thing is that I have it about as good as one can in a corporate work place. And I have yet to be forced out, which is something I have seen happen to other parents who went part time.

I think this goes beyond sexism because a man in my position who need understanding would not receive it either. There is a culture of 24/7 availability and a complete intolerance to those who cannot maintain that. The brunt typically falls upon women, but I suspect that is because men are even less able in the workplace to seek concessions for parenting. This is a culture problem because there is nothing in practicing law that is rocket science or so perpetually urgent that 24/7 availability is the only way to do the job.