Have you or spouse cut back at work to accommodate needs of SN child?

[Anonymous]

OP, regarding envoking FMLA, you’ll need to be able to document that your child has “a serious chronic medical condition.” I envoke it by documenting my child’s ASD, but depending upon your kid’s diagnosis, it could be a heavier lift to convince your HR.

Also, I find using intermittent leave through FMLA more helpful than a part-time schedule, as that gives me the flexibility to take off sporadically for therapy sessions, IEP mtgs, neuropsych exams, developmental pediatrician appointments, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I quit, a year before I was going to get my PhD. This ruined my career.
My young toddler was not drinking or eating anything during the entire day at daycare, and needed intensive therapies.

I got my J.D. but was unable to take my job offer at a big firm because of the time committment involved and the inability/unwillingness of my now exDH to take on any share of the work related to the special needs. Spending time at home absolutely was key to getting SN kid on a track to independence, but now that he can be independent, I am finding it impossible to find any kind of work that has a reasonable financial future. I drained my savings for SN school and therapies, so I am looking at a very grim financial future. Thankfully, I have a safety net with my family of origin. ExDH basically walked away from any responsibilities.

This country has got to value the work of caregivers --absent marriage or employment, it is very difficult to get healthcare. We also lose credits for social security, retirement benefits, etc.

[Anonymous]

I switched jobs to a flexible part-time job to be able to (initially) get my child to open houses and school interviews to look at private schools, but then this morphed into OT, play therapy, and speech language therapy. I'm glad I went with the flex time part time job. I don't believe my boss of my full time job would have had the stomach to deal with my needs for flexibility.

[Anonymous]

I quit biglaw for SN children but then hated biglaw so think I made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

I quit biglaw when my toddler was pulling all her hair out and doctors told me they expected her to pull out her eyebrows, eyelashes and body hair. I am not exaggerating, and she was in a very nice daycare. They did all sorts of tests on her for months, and when the specialist at Hopkins said she’d never seen a child so young so stressed for no reason and she was majorly self harming, I did the only thing left to do and quit. Almost immediately she got better. I was so relieved.

However. I will admit here on this anonymous forum that I also felt manipulated and a bit resentful. She stopped her self harming and basically was back to normal a month after I quit. But my firm had already hired someone else, I couldn’t get my old job back nor any other similar job, and I looked hard and long. It ruined my career.

[Anonymous]

You just need to have a candid conversation with your employer OP. Tell them what you need, but be prepared if they don't relent. Are you willing to leave your job over it?

[Anonymous]

I also left my job as an attorney to care for a child with a chronic illness. At first, I went part-time, but then I got an ultimatum, full time or nothing. This did end up ruining my career as an attorney. I don't believe I had another choice, however, as my child needed a caregiver, and my husband had a higher paying job. Now that my child is older, and needs me less, I do find it hard at times to be happy with the way my life has turned out in terms of my carreer.

[Anonymous]

Left my job and don't see how I can even do part time. Have entertained one part-time role, but it sounded as though the demands still would have been full time demands in terms of what I was supposed to deliver. It is very hard to maintain boundaries in today's world with smart phones, etc. So, for me, it's all or nothing and my kids are just not in a place right now where I can be otherwise engaged. It's not great for my career, but we can afford it (by cutting back expenses) and I view it as an investment.

[Anonymous]

I never planned to be a SAHM. But with a son with Aspergers, and it turns out, a husband who is also on the spectrum, I find myself too busy with managing the family to re-enter the workforce. My husband doesn't seem able to take on things I do. I also am not terribly happy with the way things have turned out.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP above. While I'm saddened to hear all the other stories, I am a bit relieved because it has been a huge blow to my self-esteem that I ended up leaving the workforce. I had a job I loved that was like a calling for me and I hoped to be able to do it for the rest of my life. I always wonder if I am some kind of weak or lazy person that I couldn't do it all, and I know some other people see me that way, even though I didn't see any other alternatives at the time and my choice panned out in terms if positive impact on kids stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, regarding envoking FMLA, you’ll need to be able to document that your child has “a serious chronic medical condition.” I envoke it by documenting my child’s ASD, but depending upon your kid’s diagnosis, it could be a heavier lift to convince your HR.

Also, I find using intermittent leave through FMLA more helpful than a part-time schedule, as that gives me the flexibility to take off sporadically for therapy sessions, IEP mtgs, neuropsych exams, developmental pediatrician appointments, etc.

Do you have to show that every time you take FMLA leave it is for a reason connected to your child’s medical condition? I am also interested in doing this but would it use all the time off to take him to therapies, etc. I also want to just pick my kids up earlier a few days a week, in part to work on speech and such at home with my SN child but partly just so life is less crazy—I hate getting noms w the kids after 6 as I do now.

[Anonymous]

Oops, immediate pp here—meant “I would not use all the time to take him to therapies.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP above. While I'm saddened to hear all the other stories, I am a bit relieved because it has been a huge blow to my self-esteem that I ended up leaving the workforce. I had a job I loved that was like a calling for me and I hoped to be able to do it for the rest of my life. I always wonder if I am some kind of weak or lazy person that I couldn't do it all, and I know some other people see me that way, even though I didn't see any other alternatives at the time and my choice panned out in terms if positive impact on kids stability.

I am also a PP. you are not alone. I never in a million years planned or wanted to be a SAHM but here I am. I have had a depression and major resentment over it, gone to therapy, and just soldier on, for my kids. But I definitely wish I still had my career.

[Anonymous]

We're struggling with the same decision. Our child with ADHD (even with meds) is tough to manage on a day to day basis, homework battles, two full time jobs, no family around, travel, etc. We also feel so guilty about the younger child (neuro-typical) whose needs are often put on the back burner while we deal with the older child. In our situation, it would be DH who would quit his job. We would need to downsize from our SHF to a townhouse, which we actually don't mind as we have an older SHF that requires a lot of work with yard work, etc. Once we make the decision, we were going to explain to the children that we are making this decision so we have more time for the family, don't have to rush as much, don't need to put them in full time camp (which they both don't like). While this would be the right decision for the children and our sanity, it's not an easy decision and we're torn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, regarding envoking FMLA, you’ll need to be able to document that your child has “a serious chronic medical condition.” I envoke it by documenting my child’s ASD, but depending upon your kid’s diagnosis, it could be a heavier lift to convince your HR.

Also, I find using intermittent leave through FMLA more helpful than a part-time schedule, as that gives me the flexibility to take off sporadically for therapy sessions, IEP mtgs, neuropsych exams, developmental pediatrician appointments, etc.

Do you have to show that every time you take FMLA leave it is for a reason connected to your child’s medical condition? I am also interested in doing this but would it use all the time off to take him to therapies, etc. I also want to just pick my kids up earlier a few days a week, in part to work on speech and such at home with my SN child but partly just so life is less crazy—I hate getting noms w the kids after 6 as I do now.

Depending on your employer, I think you do need to be able to document what you were doing when you used the FMLA time -- e.g. left at 3 bc you had a speech appointment at 4 and didn't return to work.

I invoked intermittent to care for an aging parent -- and collected doctor's notes for every day i took. My employer appreciated the paper trail.

I think if you just want more time/less stress you need to go to a part-time (30-32 hours per week) or perhaps compressed work schedule if they were amenable (e.g. 4x10 hour days instead of 5x8).