DH responds hmmm to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to swap husbands? He asked What should we do? about 50 times a week. Never proposes anything of course, just wants to check out and be told what to do, how, when. I don't so he paces around the house and spins his wheels. Doesn't know what to do ever! It's exhausting, and not sexually attractive at all.

Op here: at least he talks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that his "hmmm" is a learned defense mechanism. Maybe developed in response to you, but more likely developed at a younger age. It's his way of avoiding criticism. If he takes a position, someone might question or challenge him. If he responds with an ambiguous "hmmm," or says something non-descript like "interesting" or "huh!" or "i see," then he cannot be challenged. My partner does that too ... not the "hmmm" specifically but other ways of avoiding revealing any position. It can be very difficult.

OP here: YES YES YES this is my DH and he's foreign.

The trick, at least according to my therapist, is that you have to teach your DH that is OK and safe for him to express viewpoints, and convince him that you won't criticize him. Telling him you find it annoying when he "hmms" or getting mad at him is just criticism that reinforces his sense that he needs to keep his views hidden from you. You need to convince him you won't criticize or find fault with his expression of views. That means you bite your tongue a lot, and learn not to react to whatever he says. If you disagree, you need to express that in a separate conversation, and in a way that shows you respect his viewpoint.

Gawd. Or just marry a normally functioning ADULT. Who has time for that molly coddling? His mother, that's who. She should take a hard look at her results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to swap husbands? He asked What should we do? about 50 times a week. Never proposes anything of course, just wants to check out and be told what to do, how, when. I don't so he paces around the house and spins his wheels. Doesn't know what to do ever! It's exhausting, and not sexually attractive at all.

Op here: at least he talks!

hmmmmm. Good point, op.

-np

[Anonymous]

Him: "Just leave me the f*ck alone for 20 goddam minutes."
Her: "WHAT?!?!"
Him: " . . . I mean, 'hmmm.'"

[Anonymous]

Just replace “hmmmm” with “I honestly don’t care.” Everybody wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Him: "Just leave me the f*ck alone for 20 goddam minutes."
Her: "WHAT?!?!"
Him: " . . . I mean, 'hmmm.'"

This made me laugh.

Op, I think your answer is one of the following:
A) defense mechanism
B) distracted/not focused but feels he must respond
C) genuinely doesn’t care
D) what quoted poster says above.

Only you really know your husband

[Anonymous]

Introverted
Autism spectrum
Inattentive ADHD
Selfish asshole

You pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want to swap husbands? He asked What should we do? about 50 times a week. Never proposes anything of course, just wants to check out and be told what to do, how, when. I don't so he paces around the house and spins his wheels. Doesn't know what to do ever! It's exhausting, and not sexually attractive at all.

Op here: at least he talks!

hmmmmm. Good point, op.

-np

I think always responding HMMMM, is very similar to always walking around saying WHAT SHOULD WE DO and then not doing anything.

It's just some BS reflex response and shows zero initiative, respect, caring or interest in your family life.

OP, try to socialize more with your friends and family and leave him to his own boring TV time or whatever. He doesn't seem to bring much to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Him: "Just leave me the f*ck alone for 20 goddam minutes."
Her: "WHAT?!?!"
Him: " . . . I mean, 'hmmm.'"

This made me laugh.

Op, I think your answer is one of the following:
A) defense mechanism
B) distracted/not focused but feels he must respond
C) genuinely doesn’t care
D) what quoted poster says above.

Only you really know your husband

ADHD? can't do anything except the one thing he has chosen to focus on or think about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introverted
Autism spectrum
Inattentive ADHD
Selfish asshole

You pick.

agree
agree
agree
agree

~NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what type of conversations or topics does he kick off?

it would be terrible boring to live with someone who never responded nor had anything to say.

Op here: It's terribly boring and I'm only in my late 20s.

I remember my best friend dumping a guy after a year. She said he never had anything to say or ideas to do - it was exhausting for her to carry the ball on everything. I could not imagine raising children with such a bump on the log. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Are you asking a direct question or conveying a thought and trying to get what he thinks?

I will often say “I’m listening” when my DH is telling a story and I am not sure where he is going with this. I don’t want to say “yes”or anything that might be agreement. I get along with my in-laws great but if he started off a conversation with “my parents were talking about an article they read about how great it is to travel around and stay with their kids for one month at a time”. Okay, is this translating into they want to stay with us for a month or a fun fact? I don’t want to ask a lot of details if that isn’t where the conversation is going so I opt for “I’m listening”

I use “I’m half listening” when I am multi-tasking and am not giving 100% focus and usually say he will wait until I am done. Or vice versa he will let me know that he is in the middle of xyz and ask if it can hold until x time -like when he finishes bringing the garbage out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you asking a direct question or conveying a thought and trying to get what he thinks?

I will often say “I’m listening” when my DH is telling a story and I am not sure where he is going with this. I don’t want to say “yes”or anything that might be agreement. I get along with my in-laws great but if he started off a conversation with “my parents were talking about an article they read about how great it is to travel around and stay with their kids for one month at a time”. Okay, is this translating into they want to stay with us for a month or a fun fact? I don’t want to ask a lot of details if that isn’t where the conversation is going so I opt for “I’m listening”

I use “I’m half listening” when I am multi-tasking and am not giving 100% focus and usually say he will wait until I am done. Or vice versa he will let me know that he is in the middle of xyz and ask if it can hold until x time -like when he finishes bringing the garbage out.

Oh yeah, I love these read-between-the-lines riddles I always get from my spouse. Never know WTF they are stating or non-asking. That is why I say Hmmmm. And then nothing comes of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Him: "Just leave me the f*ck alone for 20 goddam minutes."
Her: "WHAT?!?!"
Him: " . . . I mean, 'hmmm.'"

This OP. Do you REALLY want him to respond with what he's actually thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Him: "Just leave me the f*ck alone for 20 goddam minutes."
Her: "WHAT?!?!"
Him: " . . . I mean, 'hmmm.'"

This OP. Do you REALLY want him to respond with what he's actually thinking?

YES absolutely. I want to hear his opinion or get support when I'm feeling down.