How did you deal with your DS or DD during parental alienation?

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. The fact that you have to ask whether you are responsible to parent and provide for a child even when they don't "like you" tells me that this is likely not parenting alienation at all. I think you need to look in the mirror and stop blaming your ex.

[Anonymous]

She is your child. She didn’t ask to be born. Be the adult.

[Anonymous]

A lot of good advice here. Also a lot of ignorance. It’s unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is projecting; not enough details here to really give advice.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read whole thread. But we’ve dealt with parental alienation with my step son. We combat it by not giving up any custody time, even if he is surly, cultivating independent critical thinking skills, and just not buying into any conflict and negativity. Think of the extra driving etc. as time spent with your child, I personally would not give that up. Keep communications as positive as you can and about her (vs. her mom or the situation). This is so hard to deal with and combat, I completely get it, and you fear that you will lose your relationship with your child, not just for now, but forever. Read books, articles, etc. on how to offset the influence when you are on the other side, we found those helpful although it’s been so long I can’t remember titles.

Hang in there and do not give up any time, custody, driving, etc. she will see it for what it is eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex is manipulating DD to stay with her instead of me (we have been doing 50/50). DD is experiencing some emotional issues that are being exacerbated by her mom.

My question is what did you do with the child in the middle. She is 14 and while certainly not an independent decisionmaker, she is capable of making decisions and thinking about consequences. I am torn between letting her realize the consequences of her actions (i.e., if you want to basically cut me out of your life and only see me for brief visits, I will keep loving you, but your mom can provide everything like rides to activities, funding for activities, gifts, etc.) versus simply taking it (i.e., I will keep loving you and even though you don't want to live with me I will keep doing these things).

Letting her stay with her mom while continuing to support her with rides and funding seems almost like a reward for this behavior. Obviously she is not 100% to blame because she is under her mother's sway...but she has to realize her actions have consequences...right?

I'm lost. Besides being heartbroken.

My parents divorced when I was 12.

My dad was like you in that he felt that paying for things was linked to spending time with him. He made it very clear that if I wanted him to help pay for things like sports and clothes, I had to spend time with him. He did absolutely nothing to make me WANT to spend time with him.

The appropriate solution to your problem is to build a stronger relationship with your daughter. If she wants to spend the majority of her time with her mom, figure out why that is, and try to address the causes, rather than making your relationship with her entirely transactional.

So, you think its ok as a child to treat a parent poorly and refuse to see them but yet pay for things like sports and clothing which are extras on top of child support. Sometimes its not as simple as building a stronger relationship. Mom is clear to child that she does not want contact with other parent. Child is with Mom, so does't have a choice. Mom can pay for sports and clothing out of her income and child support if child doesn't want to spend time with Dad and she supports it. Ever consider how your Dad felt when you were only using him for money?

Yes you continue to pay for enrichment and ECs for your child his or her whole life. You pay 50%, Mom pays the other 50%.
Why would you punish your child and not let her do these things? It's good for her health, her friendships, good use of time, her confidence, her life-long hobbies, her college even. This is not the way to "stick it to Mom."

[Anonymous]

OP — consider this may have nothing to do with you or your ex at all. What teen wants to waste time being shuttled between two houses when they could be spending time with friends?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you make your love conditional on anything. They've already experienced a broken marriage. She's probably testing you to see if you'll stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm not trying to equate the "stuff" and "money" with parenting. I'm really not. I am (I hope) very involved and active in her life.

I'm also not trying to "manipulate" her.

I'm trying to discern the best course of action that makes her realize - eventually, maybe - that her actions and decisions have consequences; that she should begin to have some responsibility.

Incidentally she's also pissed I took her phone away (she broke her ironclad, repeat promise to give me the unlock code) and that I won't let her see a friend who is a terrible influence. Guess who lets her use a phone and guess who lets her see her friend?

You sound a lot like my manipulative, controlling father who I no longer talk to. It's funny that you call your ex bitter, but you have not managed to make a single post in this thread that does not bash her. You are bitter, manipulative, and, worst of all, lying about it.

OP here coming out of the woodwork. DD's therapist thinks mom is engaged in serious alienation and we're gearing up to take it to court.

So, I'm sorry your dad sucked, but you can stuff it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm not trying to equate the "stuff" and "money" with parenting. I'm really not. I am (I hope) very involved and active in her life.

I'm also not trying to "manipulate" her.

I'm trying to discern the best course of action that makes her realize - eventually, maybe - that her actions and decisions have consequences; that she should begin to have some responsibility.

Incidentally she's also pissed I took her phone away (she broke her ironclad, repeat promise to give me the unlock code) and that I won't let her see a friend who is a terrible influence. Guess who lets her use a phone and guess who lets her see her friend?

You sound a lot like my manipulative, controlling father who I no longer talk to. It's funny that you call your ex bitter, but you have not managed to make a single post in this thread that does not bash her. You are bitter, manipulative, and, worst of all, lying about it.

OP here coming out of the woodwork. DD's therapist thinks mom is engaged in serious alienation and we're gearing up to take it to court.

So, I'm sorry your dad sucked, but you can stuff it.

Who is "we" when you say "we're gearing up to take this to court"?

You and the therapist? that seems inappropriate. who hired the therapist- you? the court? Does the therapist also talk to and meet with BioMom? Has the therapist discussed with BioMom any contribution she may be making to alienation?