How do you keep a loser away from [dating] your 16-18 yo high schooler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone wonder if this post was from the mom murdered in Reston?

Not until you mentioned it.

Op, come back and tell us what makes the person a loser.

[Anonymous]

OP, hello....r u out there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You needed to lay the groundwork for this years ago. Self esteem, judgement, etc.

Just want to add to this (assuming the OP has a girl). This PP is talking about inoculation, which doesn't really address the OP's concerns because her DC is already past that point.

But it's worth discussing. One of the traps that many girls get into, re the "bad boy" syndrome, is that they think they can fix them...that the problem with the bad boy is not that he's bad, but that he's misunderstood and just needs someone who cares, and that will turn him around. Of course, this is not only not true, but it is in a strange way the height of self importance to assume you are powerful enough to change someone's character.

So I inoculated my girls to disabuse them of that notion.

I clicked on this post because I sort of screwed up; there's a nice boy (about 17) in the neighborhood but who has had a serious drug history and has been into rehab etc. My 15 y.o. dd was at his house yesterday (he has a sister that is friends with my other dd) and really connected with him (conversation-wise). I had told her he had had a pot issue, but later found out it was really hard drugs, and hadn't told her that. Anyways last night my DD wanted to know about his drug history, and was so upset that it was more than pot...she said she wished she had known before, because she doesn't want to get interested in someone with a serious drug history, and that info would have prevented herself from crushing on him. So even she gets the power of inoculation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone wonder if this post was from the mom murdered in Reston?

I had the same thought.

[Anonymous]

Kill him with kindness and invite him in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kill him with kindness and invite him in.

Usually parents feel this way after getting to know the kid and researching him. It is not an easy decision to push a person away.

[Anonymous]

Be careful what you wish for. My friend's "winner" son graduated Harvard, married a Yale grad and is estranged from parents because his wife hates them. Same friend's "loser" daughter graduated from good regional college, married an engineer educated at State U. Grandparents very involved and sad for lavishing too much on son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. My friend's "winner" son graduated Harvard, married a Yale grad and is estranged from parents because his wife hates them. Same friend's "loser" daughter graduated from good regional college, married an engineer educated at State U. Grandparents very involved and sad for lavishing too much on son.

I think you have a very sheltered definition of loser. I don't know what OP is dealing with, but when I think "loser," I think the kid is dealing drugs or has racist views or is strung out on drugs and has no interest in rehap or is already an alcoholic and refuses to get help or can't hold down a job due to his obnoxious attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. My friend's "winner" son graduated Harvard, married a Yale grad and is estranged from parents because his wife hates them. Same friend's "loser" daughter graduated from good regional college, married an engineer educated at State U. Grandparents very involved and sad for lavishing too much on son.

I think you have a very sheltered definition of loser. I don't know what OP is dealing with, but when I think "loser," I think the kid is dealing drugs or has racist views or is strung out on drugs and has no interest in rehap or is already an alcoholic and refuses to get help or can't hold down a job due to his obnoxious attitude.

I think a lot of parents with AP-class, student-government, jock kids consider the artsy, less academic sorts to be "losers." That was the case with my friend's children. They never stopped bragging on the athlete/science contest/popular son and were clearly embarrassed by the daughter and her nose stud. It didn't turn out as they expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. My friend's "winner" son graduated Harvard, married a Yale grad and is estranged from parents because his wife hates them. Same friend's "loser" daughter graduated from good regional college, married an engineer educated at State U. Grandparents very involved and sad for lavishing too much on son.

I think you have a very sheltered definition of loser. I don't know what OP is dealing with, but when I think "loser," I think the kid is dealing drugs or has racist views or is strung out on drugs and has no interest in rehap or is already an alcoholic and refuses to get help or can't hold down a job due to his obnoxious attitude.

I think a lot of parents with AP-class, student-government, jock kids consider the artsy, less academic sorts to be "losers." That was the case with my friend's children. They never stopped bragging on the athlete/science contest/popular son and were clearly embarrassed by the daughter and her nose stud. It didn't turn out as they expected.

Huh? Artsy kids are in APs too. Artsy poseur burnouts who just smoke dope after school != artsy smart kids who have mastered graphic design and have taught themselves programming languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. My friend's "winner" son graduated Harvard, married a Yale grad and is estranged from parents because his wife hates them. Same friend's "loser" daughter graduated from good regional college, married an engineer educated at State U. Grandparents very involved and sad for lavishing too much on son.

I think you have a very sheltered definition of loser. I don't know what OP is dealing with, but when I think "loser," I think the kid is dealing drugs or has racist views or is strung out on drugs and has no interest in rehap or is already an alcoholic and refuses to get help or can't hold down a job due to his obnoxious attitude.

Most of the posters here are rightly concerned about "losers" who use/sell drugs, drop out, mistreat their boyfriends or girlfriends, etc. On the other hand, I was once the loser girlfriend in high school. My boyfriend's mother hated me. Why? My parents were less educated and less financially well-off. She was obsessed with the girl he dated before me, who went to private school, had two attorney parents, and came from an old money, well connected family.

It's kind of silly to be thinking about this 20 years later, but the boyfriend was my first love and we dated on and off for years. It does still sting to think of someone looking down on my hardworking, kind, and lovely parents. They're regular middle class people; it's not like they were poor and boyfriend's family was rich. But my parents didn't have PhDs or interesting jobs like they did. I'll never forget a big family Christmas where the first conversational opening to me was "what do your parents do" and the subtle shaming that ensued.

Today, her son has his Phd, but it took him twice the standard time frame in an undistinguished program. He's single. He lives about as far away from his mother as you can get in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone wonder if this post was from the mom murdered in Reston?

Yes! When I heard of the Reston murders, I immediately thought of this thread.