Need a reality check - would this text make you angry?

[Anonymous]

I'm fairly impressed with these responses-I thought for sure DCUM would have the pitchforks out for the DH. Instead, OP, it really is on both of you, as YOU said you would take care of it, and HE needed to remind you. In a marriage where the division of labor is so skewed, it is not surprising that he expects you to do things like this for him. You should explore why it all falls on your shoulders-is he really not stepping up, or does he not do things in your time frame/to your specifications? Just something to keep in mind, since I know many women who "do it all" because they don't trust their husband enough to "do it right", i.e., do it their way. Not saying this is you, but really ponder this with an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I think you are so overwhelmed and feeling so unappreciated and taken advantage of that you're letting something minor be that straw that broke the camel's back. When he asked you weeks ago you should have told him to call the insurance company himself. Instead you agreed to be his secretary by saying yes and asking for a reminder. No, the txt wasn't that bad and we all know tone and intent are often misread. Please don't start off your big convo about division of labor based on this. What you describe is unfortunately what I have too. A man child who looks to me to handle everything. I've been trying to make that change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here- he needed info about our auto insurance to see if he can still drive to meetings in his car

No it wouldn't make me angry. Stop being a martyr. I'd text back "Call Jim at Nationwide, he can send you the info". And then it is no longer your problem.

This. I would not get mad because my attitude would be if he agreed to remind me and didn't, then either he gets the phone number to do it himself or he waits until it is convenient for me to do so - likely the next day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses, they really do put things in perspective and give me the reality check that I asked for.

Basically, DH has always been like this to some extent. We've had many many many conversations over the years about him helping, and for quite some time things were fairly balanced. Through a series of interesting events I became a sahm for about a year and picked up all the home stuff. Somehow when I found a permanent position, the balance never truly shifted back, despite conversations we've had.

I've obviously hit the breaking point of taking the discussion to the next step of saying that he needs to step up a bit.

And for some of the PPs, I think part of the reason why we're here is because I am flat out NOT a nag. Ask for specific things to be done once or twice and when it doesn't happen I just do them myself. I also genuinely don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done.


As I said thank you all for the reality check!

[Anonymous]

Texts are "heard" in the voice you perceive that person to be using. My DH and I aren't in a good place right now, so if I got that text from him I'd be pissed because I'd hear him ordering me to do something. If I got that text from a close friend of mine, I'd hear it differently and would just hear it as direct.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read 4 pages of responses, but my answer to the first request would have been "Great, so you have two weeks to put it together." You're not responsible for him. He could and should have done it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here- he needed info about our auto insurance to see if he can still drive to meetings in his car

Simple call to your agent can get it sent to him quickly. If not, change agents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses, they really do put things in perspective and give me the reality check that I asked for.

Basically, DH has always been like this to some extent. We've had many many many conversations over the years about him helping, and for quite some time things were fairly balanced. Through a series of interesting events I became a sahm for about a year and picked up all the home stuff. Somehow when I found a permanent position, the balance never truly shifted back, despite conversations we've had.

I've obviously hit the breaking point of taking the discussion to the next step of saying that he needs to step up a bit.

And for some of the PPs, I think part of the reason why we're here is because I am flat out NOT a nag. Ask for specific things to be done once or twice and when it doesn't happen I just do them myself. I also genuinely don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done.


As I said thank you all for the reality check!

LADY YOU HAVE TO PUSH BACK AND TELL HIM TO SORT HIS OWN STUFF OUT!! JUST SAY NO CALL THE INSURANCE AGENT YOURSELF!

[Anonymous]

You specifically told him to remind you....
And he didn't.

His bad, not yours.

I don't blame you for forgetting.
Being 100% responsible for keeping the home fires burning is A LOT in itself.

That would anger me more than his text actually.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm a woman and I find women like you irritating.

You take on all the responsibilities for running the household and you want to complain about it. I have friends who work at similar jobs as their husbands and yet, they do the family's laundry, clean up, make dinner, arrange lawn services, plan vacations - all kid stuff falls on them too. Then, they want to complain about how much this sucks.

Then, when it gets to be too much, something trivial like the text is what you choose to get angry about? I guess in a way it makes sense because it's easier to blow up over 'text tone' than to acknowledge that your whole division of labor at home is super messed up.

You're upset because he's not acknowledging that you're going above and beyond your regular responsibilities - yet you've made all of this stuff your regular responsibility...

[Anonymous]

Your situation would make me angry, but not the text.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you his secretary? His personal assistant?

This is stuff I wouldn't even do for my college age kids because it'd be weird if they couldn't do it themselves. Why are you doing this stuff for your husband?

Also, to directly answer your question, there was nothing wrong with the text he sent you.

Texts are brief by design. I don't get your diatribe over the difference between requests and orders. It's a text. It's a short way to convey information. If you agreed that it's your responsibility to get him the paperwork, then I guess getting mad at the text is one way blow off steam about the ridiculous division of labor you've agreed to.

[Anonymous]

How does he have a job if he isn't capable of logging into the auto insurance account and printing the declarations page of said policy? That doesn't work then call your agent of the insurance company. He can't do that? Sounds like a loser.

[Anonymous]

You don't reshift a balance in work by having "conversations." Conversations are generally when you talk with him, he agrees to your reasonable demands, and nothing changes.

You reshift by saying NO. "No, I can't do that." You reshift by simply not doing things. You reshift by announcing what you will be doing instead: "I have a massage planned for Saturday morning, so you'll need to take the kids." Generally, you act just like the guys act--you assume that the help will be there and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

It wouldn't make me angry at all. I handle all the bills. I know exactly where that information is. My DH would have no idea. For me, it would require that I open the USAA app and forward him the information. Might take 10 seconds. If you routinely "handle everything" it should be easy for you to find that information.