Question for those with difficult childhoods

[Anonymous]

My terrible parents won't get a dime from me. They are financially able to plan for themselves. They can get long-term care insurance and sell their house, which is too large for a couple and has many stairs.

I am a good parent. I will not expect a dime from my child nor expect her to be an unpaid home health aid. DH and I are planning responsibly for retirement. We have insurance and savings. Our child will never have to stretch herself financially or exhaust herself to care for us. As good parents we prioritize that. We are also committed to maintaining a loving relationship with her and eventually her spouse and children so that she and they want to visit, communicate, hopefully even confide in us. I hope to have money to leave her but my family has great longevity and I could be around a long time -- which is why it's even more important that I save and plan for a solvent and independent old age.

I would not be able to support my parents in any way and spare my child the risk of having to support me. It's one or the other. They had the financial wherewithal and opportunity to save, and they are assholes. She has no control over my financial future and she is kind and loving and my responsibility. So I choose her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

It all comes down to what you think family is. I think family is a community where you care for one another, love each other, and support each other emotionally. If your parents are destitute and unable to support themselves, I would certainly think that it is your responsibility to care for them. They raised you. They are family.

Personally, I don't see your parents' choice as stinginess, but I have a really strong feeling that adults should support themselves from my own experience of supporting myself, of which I am very proud. If my son gets a full scholarship to graduate school, I would help him come up with a plan to work and save and budget for his living expenses during that time. I would expect him to work to help fund his living expenses, and take out student loans for what he was not able to earn during school itself. I would not offer him an interest-free loan so that he did not have to work or economize.

I don't think the fact that you experienced some mild financial stress during graduate school to be a reason to cut your parents off. I'm not saying you have to support them financially - I have no idea what their situation is - but I hardly think that financial stress as an adult is a reason for you to cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

It all comes down to what you think family is. I think family is a community where you care for one another, love each other, and support each other emotionally. If your parents are destitute and unable to support themselves, I would certainly think that it is your responsibility to care for them. They raised you. They are family.

Personally, I don't see your parents' choice as stinginess, but I have a really strong feeling that adults should support themselves from my own experience of supporting myself, of which I am very proud. If my son gets a full scholarship to graduate school, I would help him come up with a plan to work and save and budget for his living expenses during that time. I would expect him to work to help fund his living expenses, and take out student loans for what he was not able to earn during school itself. I would not offer him an interest-free loan so that he did not have to work or economize.

I don't think the fact that you experienced some mild financial stress during graduate school to be a reason to cut your parents off. I'm not saying you have to support them financially - I have no idea what their situation is - but I hardly think that financial stress as an adult is a reason for you to cut them off.

You say adults have an obligation to take care of themselves. I agree. Doesn't that apply to elderly parents? The PP to whom you're responding has parents who are able to support themselves. By your logic w/r/t the loan, she shouldn't dis incentivize their working and economizing either.

FWIW I would have offered PP an interest-bearing loan at a lower rate than the credit cards - maybe keyed to current mortgage rates- with a firm repayment schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

It all comes down to what you think family is. I think family is a community where you care for one another, love each other, and support each other emotionally. If your parents are destitute and unable to support themselves, I would certainly think that it is your responsibility to care for them. They raised you. They are family.

Personally, I don't see your parents' choice as stinginess, but I have a really strong feeling that adults should support themselves from my own experience of supporting myself, of which I am very proud. If my son gets a full scholarship to graduate school, I would help him come up with a plan to work and save and budget for his living expenses during that time. I would expect him to work to help fund his living expenses, and take out student loans for what he was not able to earn during school itself. I would not offer him an interest-free loan so that he did not have to work or economize.

I don't think the fact that you experienced some mild financial stress during graduate school to be a reason to cut your parents off. I'm not saying you have to support them financially - I have no idea what their situation is - but I hardly think that financial stress as an adult is a reason for you to cut them off.

You say adults have an obligation to take care of themselves. I agree. Doesn't that apply to elderly parents? The PP to whom you're responding has parents who are able to support themselves. By your logic w/r/t the loan, she shouldn't dis incentivize their working and economizing either.

FWIW I would have offered PP an interest-bearing loan at a lower rate than the credit cards - maybe keyed to current mortgage rates- with a firm repayment schedule.

Elderly parents usually CAN'T work, and often can't take care of themselves physically. Even if they have been independent and functional for most of their adult lives, most elderly people cannot live independently forever.

Obviously, if they are able to work, and assuming they've been halfway fiscally responsible with those hundreds of thousands of dollars, they wouldn't need regular support from OP. But if they're in their 80's or 90's and they've had a financial downturn and they need help, I can't possibly see the lack of an interest-free loan during grad school as an excuse to abandon them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much contact with your parents do you have now? How much do you help support them?

My dad passed away. My mom is still alive. Admittedly she did a better job than my dad but was still a pretty horrible parent and role model in a lot of ways, which is reflected by her current life situation... basically requiring my brother and me to support her if we don't want her out on the street. I'm happy to provide some monetary support but I'm conflicted about how involved to be in her life. I like to think I've build a good life for myself in spite of my difficult upbringing, but being around her brings up all that old anger, resentment, feelings of life not being fair, etc. Friends have parents paying for down payments on fancy houses while I'm paying out to my mom every month to keep her afloat. It's not just about money, but more about sadness for not having a stable family of origin.

Anyway, I digress. Should I cut my mom out more or less because of the damage it does to me? Or it is my responsibility as a daughter to do a better job than she did with me?

Did you mother do a better job of parenting than her parents? That was the question I asked myself. The answer was yes. I am doing a better job than she did. We didn't all start out in the same place. The only thing we can ask is that each generation move a step forward. If she did, then you help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

It all comes down to what you think family is. I think family is a community where you care for one another, love each other, and support each other emotionally. If your parents are destitute and unable to support themselves, I would certainly think that it is your responsibility to care for them. They raised you. They are family.

Personally, I don't see your parents' choice as stinginess, but I have a really strong feeling that adults should support themselves from my own experience of supporting myself, of which I am very proud. If my son gets a full scholarship to graduate school, I would help him come up with a plan to work and save and budget for his living expenses during that time. I would expect him to work to help fund his living expenses, and take out student loans for what he was not able to earn during school itself. I would not offer him an interest-free loan so that he did not have to work or economize.

I don't think the fact that you experienced some mild financial stress during graduate school to be a reason to cut your parents off. I'm not saying you have to support them financially - I have no idea what their situation is - but I hardly think that financial stress as an adult is a reason for you to cut them off.

Certainly not cutting them off, I see them every month. They saved plenty, but one of them has an illness and the money is being spent quickly. At this rate, the other will need financial support. Should I cut my own retirement contributions, or my kid's college funds, drain my savings?

The point I am trying to make is that relationships are build on reciprocity. No one owes an adult anything, but I think that's a rigid way of looking at life. We all need help from others at some point in life. And how much help you get depends on how you have approached relationship with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.

There is so much wrong with this statement. You are raising your children to feel obligated to take care of you when they should be focused on their families when they are grown. This is a selfish, not selfless, reason.

Wow. A healthy child-parent relationship is centered around co-dependency. This is called family. You parents don't stop being family after you grow up/marry. If you are solely focused on yourself, you are selfish, not the PP you responded to.

I think pp has been a caring and loving DIL. Have any of you critical pps taken an IL into your home with whom their spouse had a strained relationship and cared for them for a year? Not only that, she also managed her MIL's transition to a nursing home and buys whatever she needs. Actions matter. You can say all the right words but not be there when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much contact with your parents do you have now? How much do you help support them?

My dad passed away. My mom is still alive. Admittedly she did a better job than my dad but was still a pretty horrible parent and role model in a lot of ways, which is reflected by her current life situation... basically requiring my brother and me to support her if we don't want her out on the street. I'm happy to provide some monetary support but I'm conflicted about how involved to be in her life. I like to think I've build a good life for myself in spite of my difficult upbringing, but being around her brings up all that old anger, resentment, feelings of life not being fair, etc. Friends have parents paying for down payments on fancy houses while I'm paying out to my mom every month to keep her afloat. It's not just about money, but more about sadness for not having a stable family of origin.

Anyway, I digress. Should I cut my mom out more or less because of the damage it does to me? Or it is my responsibility as a daughter to do a better job than she did with me?

Did you mother do a better job of parenting than her parents? That was the question I asked myself. The answer was yes. I am doing a better job than she did. We didn't all start out in the same place. The only thing we can ask is that each generation move a step forward. If she did, then you help her.

i think this is a very good point. My mom did some very negative things but when I look back on how she was raised , I really don't think she knew better. And I'm sure some of the stuff from my childhood negatively impacts my children, maybe in ways I can't see. I hope they forgive me and understand I'm doing the best I can, every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.

There is so much wrong with this statement. You are raising your children to feel obligated to take care of you when they should be focused on their families when they are grown. This is a selfish, not selfless, reason.

Wow. A healthy child-parent relationship is centered around co-dependency. This is called family. You parents don't stop being family after you grow up/marry. If you are solely focused on yourself, you are selfish, not the PP you responded to.

I think pp has been a caring and loving DIL. Have any of you critical pps taken an IL into your home with whom their spouse had a strained relationship and cared for them for a year? Not only that, she also managed her MIL's transition to a nursing home and buys whatever she needs. Actions matter. You can say all the right words but not be there when the time comes.

This. I think the lack of concern for aging parents and in-laws on this board is disturbing, and if you want to talk selfish, well, feeling your life is only about you and children is indeed truly selfish. Is this mindset truly what our society has become or is it just the mindset of the sancitimommies of dcum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much contact with your parents do you have now? How much do you help support them?

My dad passed away. My mom is still alive. Admittedly she did a better job than my dad but was still a pretty horrible parent and role model in a lot of ways, which is reflected by her current life situation... basically requiring my brother and me to support her if we don't want her out on the street. I'm happy to provide some monetary support but I'm conflicted about how involved to be in her life. I like to think I've build a good life for myself in spite of my difficult upbringing, but being around her brings up all that old anger, resentment, feelings of life not being fair, etc. Friends have parents paying for down payments on fancy houses while I'm paying out to my mom every month to keep her afloat. It's not just about money, but more about sadness for not having a stable family of origin.

Anyway, I digress. Should I cut my mom out more or less because of the damage it does to me? Or it is my responsibility as a daughter to do a better job than she did with me?

Did you mother do a better job of parenting than her parents? That was the question I asked myself. The answer was yes. I am doing a better job than she did. We didn't all start out in the same place. The only thing we can ask is that each generation move a step forward. If she did, then you help her.

i think this is a very good point. My mom did some very negative things but when I look back on how she was raised , I really don't think she knew better. And I'm sure some of the stuff from my childhood negatively impacts my children, maybe in ways I can't see. I hope they forgive me and understand I'm doing the best I can, every day.

Thank you. I took the time to truly understand what childhood was truly like for both my parents and my in-laws and not just through the clouded lens of my own pain or experience. It put a lot of things into perspective for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Your answers make me feel so much better. I was feeling like a horrible person for even considering drifting away.

I should clarify that my mom wasn't abusive or anything like that. Just made a lot of irresponsible decisions, didn't model healthy relationships, etc.

I'm in a similar boat. My mother was irresponsible in many ways (relationships, money, not taking me to a dentist until too late and I my teeth were all rotten). As an adult I drifted away from her and stopped giving her money two years ago, when my second child was born. I was really resentful that I was taking money away from what could have been my kids' saving accounts to give to someone so irresponsible with money. Told her "I have two kids to support on one salary, and they are my priority now". She gets a pension and she has no savings, despite the fact that she and her husband made decent money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.

This dynamic is puzzling to me. When people expect the world from their parents (in the material sense), no one on DCUM bats an eye. It is the norm. When it comes to supporting elderly parents in return, it is suddenly selfish of the parents to even hope for attention from their children.

Me, too. Since when is it an expectation of parents that they "stretch or jeopardize their financial health" for the sake of adult children? Their job is to raise you to be a functioning, independent adult. Their job is not to jeopardize their own financial security in order to pay for grad school.

For the record, my parents didn't pay for my college or grad school, either,
I understand that some parents choose to lavishly give money to their adult children, and even support adult children in perpetutity, but I am flabbergasted that some DCUM folks think that if they don't, this makes them bad parents. Their financial except $4,000 in 10 monthy installments my freshman year, which was a huge sacrifice for them. Other years they didn't feel able to do it, and I made do by working more and taking out more loans. I would never in my life consider asking them for money for grad school - I was an adult.
obligation ceases when you become an ADULT.

I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

I'd be interested to hear about their rationale though.

Money for grad school is a touchy subject. Money for school is a touchy subject. I presume you parents put you through college. They may have had a good reason to deny you a loan, but I understand why you are not willing to share it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My terrible parents won't get a dime from me. They are financially able to plan for themselves. They can get long-term care insurance and sell their house, which is too large for a couple and has many stairs.

I am a good parent. I will not expect a dime from my child nor expect her to be an unpaid home health aid. DH and I are planning responsibly for retirement. We have insurance and savings. Our child will never have to stretch herself financially or exhaust herself to care for us. As good parents we prioritize that. We are also committed to maintaining a loving relationship with her and eventually her spouse and children so that she and they want to visit, communicate, hopefully even confide in us. I hope to have money to leave her but my family has great longevity and I could be around a long time -- which is why it's even more important that I save and plan for a solvent and independent old age.

I would not be able to support my parents in any way and spare my child the risk of having to support me. It's one or the other. They had the financial wherewithal and opportunity to save, and they are assholes. She has no control over my financial future and she is kind and loving and my responsibility. So I choose her.

You have to be very young! Older crowd usually know about the best-laid plans of mice and men. Your carefree reliance on "insurance and savings" made me laugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why haven't you responded to the questions asking "What about your childhood made it difficult"? Beyond not getting an inheritance, which is the main thing you said.

Mother who made repeated bad decisions related to troubled father and his presence in kids lives. Mother who had an okay income but was unable to manage money or really function like an adult so lots of electricity going out, not having cash in hand when needed for school activities and such, no health insurance throughout childhood, etc. Also did not have or know how to maintain friendships or relationships so lots of poor examples there. There are worse parents I'm sure but I had to grow up and become the adult in the family quite young since my mother wasn't stepping up to the plate and continuing to interact with her in significant ways as an adult brings a lot of stress and anger to my life that isn't there otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why haven't you responded to the questions asking "What about your childhood made it difficult"? Beyond not getting an inheritance, which is the main thing you said.

Mother who made repeated bad decisions related to troubled father and his presence in kids lives. Mother who had an okay income but was unable to manage money or really function like an adult so lots of electricity going out, not having cash in hand when needed for school activities and such, no health insurance throughout childhood, etc. Also did not have or know how to maintain friendships or relationships so lots of poor examples there. There are worse parents I'm sure but I had to grow up and become the adult in the family quite young since my mother wasn't stepping up to the plate and continuing to interact with her in significant ways as an adult brings a lot of stress and anger to my life that isn't there otherwise.

Perhaps she did't have the where with all or the tools to "step up to the plate." There is an old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes...