who has actually talked to in laws about problems and did it help at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If you are worried about your Dh having regrets about seeing so little of his family, then talk to him about how frequently he thinks you should see them, make a schedule, and stick to it. And then suck it up, see above.

If they're not abusive or addicts or criminals, you can deal. Seriously.

THIS. Children pout and fret. Grown-ups deal.

[Anonymous]

I only want you to do it because I'm really interested in hearing the play-by-play reported back here after the holidays. But an honest answer to your question is, absolutely not, it will not help and it will Likely make everything worse. But if you've been looking for a reason for years to distance yourself from your in-laws this might be your ticket. Is being estranged from them worth it? Ask yourself that. In your position, I might say yes. It's sort of depends how much your husband cares about maintaining relationships with his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only want you to do it because I'm really interested in hearing the play-by-play reported back here after the holidays. But an honest answer to your question is, absolutely not, it will not help and it will Likely make everything worse. But if you've been looking for a reason for years to distance yourself from your in-laws this might be your ticket. Is being estranged from them worth it? Ask yourself that. In your position, I might say yes. It's sort of depends how much your husband cares about maintaining relationships with his family

OP, your DH can maintain relationships with his family, you can stay at arms length. There is nothing wrong with doing so, especially if the ILs are toxic. Lets face it, there are more of them than you, and many ILs have the mob mentality of "it's our way or the highway". Hopefully not, but it does happen. Some ILs (like mine) are not open to anyone who they consider different than them. Their loss, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husbands side of the family does not communicate well. They don't address problems and either sulk, ignore, make passive comments or a combination of the above. Several things have happened that have hurt me over the years and one major thing recently. My husband has brought it up in the past at my urging, but the situation did not change. I feel like we should both discuss my concerns and the problems of the past in person and DH has agreed. MIL said she was "perplexed about what we would want to discuss" but agreed. We'll see them in 2 weeks. Is this a bad idea? Should I let it all out (in as polite a way as I can) or will that overwhelm them. Did things improve for you after you conveyed what has been bothering you, hurtful or offensive? I figure at a minimum I'll be able to get things off my chest and if they reject my concerns, I'll definitely know where we stand. Or is it better to continue ignoring and just show up for the dog and pony show at Christmas and not see them again for another 6 months and accept this will be our relationship? I'm sad for my kids.

This is why your plan will blow-up in your face.

[Anonymous]

My ILs deflect and deny pretty much anything they don't take credit for - so no, I wouldn't bother talking to them about (issues they should have sought professional help for decades ago), OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

So in other words it's a lot of stuff that could and should be addressed as it happens. It's not like someone stole thousands of dollars from you or some other single big bad thing, is that correct?

You and your DH should get on the same page and start addressing little things as they occur. And honestly, a lot of it sounds like stuff you should just ignore if you're not willing to address it in real time. They brag about amazing times with other people or how they prefer how MIL's sister handles holidays? Why not just say "Oh, what is it about how they do it that you like and why don't you try to do it?" Or if you already know it's a set up to criticize you, why not just say "Well, you should do what makes you happy at the holidays. What is that exactly?" and maybe it'll help you spend more time with your own parents?

Your examples mostly sound like things that you need to address in real time, not sit down and try to hash out a list of little things. It will probably sound petty and weird if you do it as a "big conversation". I agree with the PP who said pick 2 issues, address those, and then everything else is in real time as it happens. You and your DH have a LOT of power you haven't used yet. Use it. It can make a difference, and even if it doesn't, you're modelling for yourselves and your kid that you at least tried to communicate and set things straight. All you can do it try, and it's better than modelling grumping about it in private but not saying diddly when they do the stuff that bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

I can't see any favorable outcome from dumping this list of complaints on them. I'd deal with things on a case-by-case basis, only as needed.

I would have DH talk with his mom at the time she does these things not as some type of intervention where she will get defensive, overwhelmed and just deny everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing how common this issues are! If only I'd seen this thread when I got married 6 years ago.

My MIL pouts about us spending any time with my nuclear family. It makes me lose respect for her each time it happens. She loves to keep score about what we do with them that we don't do with her. But honestly, the thing that has helped the most is to stop caring. I know we are treating everyone fairly, I'm not keeping her from my kids, she is welcome anytime. She just HAS to see herself as the victim in her weird little drama. Whatever. We are fabulous and fun and have kick ass kids. She's the only one missing out because she spends more time manufacturing things to be upset about than actually spending quality time with her grandkids. Her loss.

How does she know you are spending time with your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted up thread but just wanted to add: don't waste your precious time and mental energy trying to change the way your inlaws think or feel, even if it's about you. You can't change how they feel, but what you can change how they treat you. You teach them by letting them know what behaviors and comments are not ok with you, as often as necessary. Even the most stubborn will learn eventually. A side effect of this is may be that they will probably come to gain more respect for you.

From experience, I agree with this.

But OP, please come back and let us know what you decided to do and how it turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing how common this issues are! If only I'd seen this thread when I got married 6 years ago.

My MIL pouts about us spending any time with my nuclear family. It makes me lose respect for her each time it happens. She loves to keep score about what we do with them that we don't do with her. But honestly, the thing that has helped the most is to stop caring. I know we are treating everyone fairly, I'm not keeping her from my kids, she is welcome anytime. She just HAS to see herself as the victim in her weird little drama. Whatever. We are fabulous and fun and have kick ass kids. She's the only one missing out because she spends more time manufacturing things to be upset about than actually spending quality time with her grandkids. Her loss.

How does she know you are spending time with your family?

We split the holidays. So one year we do Thanksgiving with my inlaws and Xmas with my family and the next year we flip flop. So since we aren't at her Xmas she knows where we are...

Though it also comes up at other times of year. My brother lives in another state and she gets jealous we spend the night at his house and not her's. She lives locally and there's no reason for us to spend the night at her house. Things like that.

[Anonymous]

We did discuss it. Calmly and i told them how hurt i was when they did x or y. They politely apologized and now talk about how rude and demanding i am to other relatives. They also have told others i should not be so sensitive while also being so rude and confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

I can't see any favorable outcome from dumping this list of complaints on them. I'd deal with things on a case-by-case basis, only as needed.

+1

Talking is not going to change a thing. Seems like you have a problem with her general personality. I will recommend that if you want to keep a relationship with her , just be a bigger person, and ignore the above mentioned issues as being an ignorance on her part. If she does not like you spending holidays with your family, just do not say anything about it, and spend your holidays as you planned. I am assuming you do try to keep a balance between both sides of families though .

She will change when her actions yield no reaction.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it went as I expected. Now you can just ignore and dismiss her.

[Anonymous]

OP, what exactly did you address with them?

[Anonymous]

My long-term issue has been that the ILs favor the in-town grandkids over mine. Partly it's understandable in that they see them more, understand their needs and preferences more, etc. But partly it's also just rude -- I think they could make a better effort. I brought it up finally, after years of stewing, and it helped to the extend that at least now I don't feel like I have this big secret. They responded with fluff ("we are sorry you feel this way," etc.) that led me to believe they don't agree with my assessment, and not surprisingly, nothing has changed about their behavior. So in that sense, it didn't really help. But it did help my mental state to not just bottle it up. And now that I've explained my position, and they've still changed nothing, I feel like it's fair game for us to make a lot less effort with visits.