Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.

[Anonymous]

While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

I have to disagree with this a little. My youngest child is 13. The early years with children are very hard in many ways, but the sum total of the parenting experience is more than the 0 to 5 years. Children are infinitely more rewarding as they grow into the people they will become. I'm so glad I didn't realize fully the sacrifices we would have to make early on as parents, because the later years are so incredibly great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

I have to disagree with this a little. My youngest child is 13. The early years with children are very hard in many ways, but the sum total of the parenting experience is more than the 0 to 5 years. Children are infinitely more rewarding as they grow into the people they will become. I'm so glad I didn't realize fully the sacrifices we would have to make early on as parents, because the later years are so incredibly great.

How can you disagree with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I get in "a mood" about having a dog, I take care of one of my friend's dogs for a week while they vacation. That week reminds me of how much work they are! Kids are totally different--exhausting and rewarding at the same time. You never knew how big your heart can be!

This post is fascinating to me. I find all the effort I've put into training my dog to be SO rewarding. Far better reward-for-effort ratio than raising a human.

But humans grow up to become independent adults. Dogs never get to be any less work.

Comparing a pet to a kid is always hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

I have to disagree with this a little. My youngest child is 13. The early years with children are very hard in many ways, but the sum total of the parenting experience is more than the 0 to 5 years. Children are infinitely more rewarding as they grow into the people they will become. I'm so glad I didn't realize fully the sacrifices we would have to make early on as parents, because the later years are so incredibly great.

How can you disagree with this?

I disagree that it's a good idea for people considering conceiving to do full time childcare first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

I have to disagree with this a little. My youngest child is 13. The early years with children are very hard in many ways, but the sum total of the parenting experience is more than the 0 to 5 years. Children are infinitely more rewarding as they grow into the people they will become. I'm so glad I didn't realize fully the sacrifices we would have to make early on as parents, because the later years are so incredibly great.

How can you disagree with this?

I disagree that it's a good idea for people considering conceiving to do full time childcare first.

Why in God's name not? The sacrifices don't end after 6.

[Anonymous]

OP,

As a mom of two, I completely get your POV as well as the POV of the parents on this thread.

Everything that OP has said is true. Child rearing is hellishly exhausting and never-ending. It sucks up all your "me" time until you feel like a Zombie. Everything you think is tough about parenting is TRUE.

On the other hand, no one can explain how HUGE the little moments of joy is when your newborn smiles at you! The rewards of raising your kid is so immense that you cannot explain it to anyone. It has to be experienced.

My advice to newlyweds is - don't be in a hurry to procreate. and don't have a baby if your marriage is shaky.

In the end, parents raise their children because it brings them happiness, otherwise parents would abandon their children after the first few sleepless nights. Nature wires us to love our children and find satisfaction in raising them, above most other pleasurable activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree with the peanut gallery that it *IS* different with your own kids, I also think in trying to drive that home, many of the PPs are missing the point.

I agree with OP that it is a good idea for couples trying to conceive to experience full-time child care before conceiving. While the majority of those who conceive want children desperately, many really aren't well suited to child care. Any couples who are on the fence about raising children, including those where one wants children and the other does not, should do this to get an idea of the amount of work and the change of lifestyle that would be required to have a family. I know that the PPs who are responding are right, that you love your own children to the point of making sacrifices that you would not make for anyone else, including beloved nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. However, look at the number of families where one parent abandons the family after kids; the ones where the family divorces acrimoniously and the children get stuck in the middle; the families where one spouse becomes "like a single parent" and then feels complete resentment about not have a participating co-parent; the families who have no idea what they were getting into and then are not prepared for the complete change of life-style. Many of them would be better off experiencing full-time childcare and maybe we'd have fewer chronic broken households and children living through break-up hell needing years and years of therapy to recover. And it wouldn't hurt a few couples to learn ahead of time what to expect and how hard the journey will be.

I agree that the sacrifice is worth it. I have two pre-schoolers and sometimes I do miss the pre-kids life. It was very hard journey for us to become parents and it continues to be a hard life at least for the next few years. But I think that this is not the life for everyone, including many who do have kids. Many might have reconsidered if they knew how much work it can be, the sacrifices that you have to make, the stress that you have to go through and the expense that many do not plan for. I think that the majority would do it again whole-heartedly, but there are still a small minority who probably could benefit from what OP proposes and might make a different choice.

I have to disagree with this a little. My youngest child is 13. The early years with children are very hard in many ways, but the sum total of the parenting experience is more than the 0 to 5 years. Children are infinitely more rewarding as they grow into the people they will become. I'm so glad I didn't realize fully the sacrifices we would have to make early on as parents, because the later years are so incredibly great.

How can you disagree with this?

I disagree that it's a good idea for people considering conceiving to do full time childcare first.

I'm the long-winded PP. So you think it is better for people to end up as one of the families that I bolded because the parents were not really well-suited or willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get their children to adulthood? Despite the fact that children become more rewarding as they get older, you are still focusing on the majority of families that come through healthy and sound (whether or not they remain intact). Just look at DCUM for the large number of families where the children end up in therapy, the families end up bitterly divided and/or fighting around and through the children, parents abandoning their families. I never said all families, but I said those who were on the fence or didn't really know what they were getting into might be better off going into such a decision with their eyes open knowing more about what kinds of challenges that they'd have to deal with. And while 5 years may not seem like that long to most parents, it can be extremely long for some families to cope with very difficult circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the experience helped confirm OP and her DH's pre-existing desire. uh, good for them I guess? As for the generic advice to try childcare first, it falls flat to me. If the amount of work little kids take is enough to switch someone from wanting to not wanting kids, then they wanted them for the wrong reasons.

[Anonymous]

I don't think taking care of other people's kids for a week gives a couple a true picture of what raising their own children, from 0 to 18, will be like.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

As a mom of two, I completely get your POV as well as the POV of the parents on this thread.

Everything that OP has said is true. Child rearing is hellishly exhausting and never-ending. It sucks up all your "me" time until you feel like a Zombie. Everything you think is tough about parenting is TRUE.

On the other hand, no one can explain how HUGE the little moments of joy is when your newborn smiles at you! The rewards of raising your kid is so immense that you cannot explain it to anyone. It has to be experienced.

My advice to newlyweds is - don't be in a hurry to procreate. and don't have a baby if your marriage is shaky.

In the end, parents raise their children because it brings them happiness, otherwise parents would abandon their children after the first few sleepless nights. Nature wires us to love our children and find satisfaction in raising them, above most other pleasurable activities.

This pp stated it perfectly!

And then there is a quote from daddy daycare my Dh and I always laugh at: "there are days when you hate hate hate it, and then they do something small, very small and its amazing. And then you hate hate hate it"...LOL...something like that

[Anonymous]

^^ crap not daddy daycare! Its the movie with J-lo pregnant with twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, humans are unable to love other people's kids as their own. Don't fool yourself.

Not to say you should have kids, but your premise is flawed. Babysitting relatives' kids is quite different from experiencing parenthood.

I feel this statement is offensive to people who adopt children, especially when the children are older! I don’t think adoptive parents feel as you have stated. I also know of people who end up with their nieces and nephews in tragic circumstances and certainly love those children an experience "parenthood". I think the OP is 100% right that spending a week w/ any children alone is an indicator of what life will be like as a parent when you speaking of the day to day freedoms. The work on the daily level is the same regardless if they are your own or not. The OP is not talking about if they would love or not love their kids or filling a missing void, she is talking about what lifestyle changes would have to be made and she is 100% correct. The things she brings to light do go away with young children and although some people are willing to trade those things, others are not. OP, I think you are making a great decision and I applaud you for making the right choice for you and your husband! No one should ever feel like they have to have children because that is what society thinks! You are being responsible and I agree that any childless couple should spend a week with young children and see what kind of works is involved.

~signed a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a parent.
I agree with that 100%.
This experience did give me a good idea of what day to day life would be like.
These are my observations:
1. My house was an absolute mess by the time the children left.
2. I can't have nice furniture and have children.
3. I barely spoke to my husband. We were both too busy wrangling children to communicate about anything other than what was happening at the exact moment.
4. I didn't want to be touched by my husband at the end of the day.
5. I spent A LOT of money.
6. I felt like a zombie amd was exhausted the entire time.

I took 2 personal days in order to do this. I can't imagine having to work full-time, raise children and keep a house in order. These things, I feel, are fair representations of things you experience and go through being a parent. These things happen whether you're caring for your own children or someone else's child.

And yet BILLIONS of people manage to have and raise kids successfully! They even manage to have nice houses and maintain their marriages! While working full-time!

If you can stop being such a princess crybaby for a minute, you should think about that. Are you really so fragile that you can't do something that billions of people throughout history have routinely done?