Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In answer to your questions, NO you are not being overly dramatic and YES this is a big deal.

You are correct, you did miss out on one of the best parts of any + all romantic relationships, the "honeymoon" phase. It seems yours was pretty much unilateral which means you got the short end of the stick. How unfair.

So I get how you would feel resentful about it, even after 2 years together as a couple.

I cannot tell you what to do about it now, if your resentment over it has grown over the years, then it is highly likely it will continue to grow + that may interfere w/your relationship growing in a healthy manner.

This is a very tough call, you need to decide if you have the capability to erase that time period from your mind altogether and instead of looking backward, you can look forward to a happy and blessed future together which may include marriage.

Can you do that in all honesty??

Well...thats how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I love our relationship now. He's a very good and attentive boyfriend. I'm just really sore that I missed out on our "getting to know each other" phase where he'd have a huge crush on me and hang with me all the time and do cute things for me.

And this is my first real relationship...so its not like i ever got to experience that with anyone else either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with PP. I'm always worried when someone is like "oh my boyfriend was an asshole that couldn't commit until he fell in love with me". Like the magic V turned him around. When you have two toddlers under 5, both working full-time, plus commutes will he still be a thoughtful and loving ...if someone gets laid off from work or you face any adversity, will he still be thoughful and loving? If you are proud that he didn't treat the other girlfriend as well as you or have to imagine that he didn't talk about getting serious with the ex-girlfriend of 4 years to feel confident in your relationship that isn't healthy. I think it's fair to say someone grew or learned what to do or not do based on a long term relationship that didn't work out or that they have a better idea of compatibilty realizing you can really love someone but not be compatible. I'd rather build a lifetime with someone that is innately kind and thoughtful or made a conscious choice based on past situations to do so than believe something magical happened with me that turned them around.

OP here.

Yes, I agree with you. I take back what I said there, I don't think my boyfriend was terrible to his ex, he clearly wasn't which is why they lasted as long as they did. They must've had something beautiful and special, especially in the way first loves tend to be. He was very kind to her, he left me to try to work things out with her, because along with having feelings for her, he always likes to do the right thing. When we met, he was in a tumultuous long distance relationship with her. She had decided to stay in Atlanta after college and he moved to DC to go to grad school. I now know that he wasn't technically single when he happened upon me at a party back then and where we hit it off. I heard from mutual friends that he had broken up with his ex and wanted to take me out. It was stupid of me to accept his invite so fast after his breakup. Clearly they weren;t really over each other until much later.

So, long story short. I think my bf has grown a lot. He has certainly learned how to be a better boyfriend and partner and treats me better as a result of that.

I'm the PP you were responding to and I think you have your beginning, it was just more When Harry Met Sally than meet-cute. On some level you realize that you had to have the beginning that you had to have the relationship that you have now. If he hadn't tried to work it out with the ex, he would maybe be more unsure of the relationship now or always wonder if it could have worked out. If you didn't express disappointment when he dropped off the first time after the date he may not have contacted you figuring you had move on or not wanting to face possible rejection. Maybe he needed someone to be a little more into him in the beginning, especially since at least in relocation choice the ex did not put him first, in order to let down his guard and really throw himself in the relationship and feel safe in being more open with you. If your usual dating had the guy wooing you, maybe this relationship worked out better because you somehow acted differently because you weren't on a pedestal, had to give more of yourself etc.

Sometimes your relationship has to start different than your other relationships to be different than all your other relationships. Although my DH was interested in dating me, he let me set the pace for the relationship versus me being in the role of being pursued. I'm convinced it was some kind of reverse psychology and he was a genius because I let down my guard sooner with DH than any other guy because I didn't feel pressured. Don't get me wrong that I still looked for signs that he was interested and for example I wasn't always the one to call him or wanting to make plans but overall, other than the initial date, I set how fast things were going and pursued him in certain aspects. I don't lament that I didn't have the guy calling me all the time and delivering roses to my doorstop on date 2 because that guy would have scared the crap out of me, or caused me to be more reserved while I figured out if I liked him, or caused me to not be myself so I could play Cinderella to his Prince Charming. So anyway, if you really believe your relationship is strong, which I think you do, maybe things happened the way they did for a reason.

OMG haha! We are kind of like When Harry Met Sally! I always wondered how Sally was okay with how he treated her initially.

[Anonymous]

Op, I put my DH through the same thing. I could not get over my ex-boyfriend, I believe I was stuck on him because he was my first love. Actually a month into dating my Dh I ended up making out with my ex and I felt terrible. I asked Dh if he wanted to break up but he said no. Even though I missed my ex I knew he was bad for me so I kept pushing forward with Dh. I don't think he was robbed because we had a great time dating, actually those were some of the best years of my life. We've been married for seven years now and I'm sure we will grow old together. Being with Dh actually made me realize that my ex really wasn't that great of a person nor did he treat me even half as well as Dh.

On the other hand my ex dated a girl for about three years after me. I found out they broke up because he was still not fully over me and she caught him looking at my facebook page a few times. So long as your bf isn't displaying this type of behavior I wouldn't worry about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In answer to your questions, NO you are not being overly dramatic and YES this is a big deal.

You are correct, you did miss out on one of the best parts of any + all romantic relationships, the "honeymoon" phase. It seems yours was pretty much unilateral which means you got the short end of the stick. How unfair.

So I get how you would feel resentful about it, even after 2 years together as a couple.

I cannot tell you what to do about it now, if your resentment over it has grown over the years, then it is highly likely it will continue to grow + that may interfere w/your relationship growing in a healthy manner.

This is a very tough call, you need to decide if you have the capability to erase that time period from your mind altogether and instead of looking backward, you can look forward to a happy and blessed future together which may include marriage.

Can you do that in all honesty??

Well...thats how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I love our relationship now. He's a very good and attentive boyfriend. I'm just really sore that I missed out on our "getting to know each other" phase where he'd have a huge crush on me and hang with me all the time and do cute things for me.

And this is my first real relationship...so its not like i ever got to experience that with anyone else either.

PP here. I'm assuming he didn't say I love you while in love with his ex and has given you every indication that he is a good guy and never tried to lead you on for example he wasn't married while trying to date you. At some point you have to give up this notion that things have to be a certain way or they aren't worth having. Jobs have ebbs and flows, think about the coach that gets fired only to lead the next team to the playoffs. Or having the kid that is awkward with other kids and doesn't get invitations or has a learning challenge ...I'm sure 99% of the parents have this picture or this hope of kids being perfect, being popular, being great at sports either because it is similar to how they were as a kid or maybe because it wasn't and they want more for their kids. But you have to get over this expectation of movie perfection and see the good in your situation.

Even though you were the one to chase boyfriend in the beginning, it sounds like you haven't made peace with that. Not only is this your first serious relationship, you feel it didn't have a fairytale beginning. I would be more worried that you would cheat one day because you felt like you missed out than your boyfriend that has clearly resolved his relationship with the ex. I also wonder what would you do if you get married and your kid has special needs. Would you lament not having the typical newborn experience because you were in the NICU or that while everyone else is raving about the school you have an atypical experience because you constantly have to be at the school because of the challenges that your child faces. Everyone has hopes/dreams/fantasies of how you want the people in your life to be but as I always say you have to work with where people are, not where you want them to be. This is true with family relationships, friend relationships and romantic relationships. It's okay to take a moment to be disappointed as much because you had to give up a dream but you have to find a way to move forward. Sometimes you move forward by making a chmage (I.e. Maybe you stop putting in the effort with the relative that takes you for granted) or sometimes you change your perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP, this clearly still bothers you. You need to first realize that many of us miss out on "typical" experiences. Moms who adopt never get to experience pregnancy. Moms who have preemie babies never get to "bring home a newborn". Kids who have parents in the military never get to "grow up" in the same neighborhood. Have you thought about this at all? Life will at some point screw you out of an experience that by rights you should have had. My concern about you is that your boyfriend chose to text you while supposedly working things out with his ex. He dangled you for months while "doing the right thing". I'd urge you to read Gone With The Wind, it goes into many themes along this line. I would argue that your boyfriend didn't act with integrity, and your discomfort is that because on some level you know this. He dangled you in a very self-serving way. He's still dangling you because you two have "talked about marriage" yet he hasn't given you a ring and set a date. I'd dump him. He may have a lot of polish, but once you scrape that off, you're left with a rock, not the kind of rock you want and can depend on, but the kind that gets in your shoe and won't get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples that we're not "insta-love" that are happily married today. I was still dating other guys, but not seriously, up until I had an understanding of exclusivity with the guy that is now my DH. I'll say to him now when we reminisce , I knew right away you could be "the one" and he will smirk and say but you were dating these other guys before we had an understanding. Another person I know, the guy was dating another girl seriously and it overlapped with him starting to date my friend. My friend said he had to choose, and he chose my friend and as far as I know there haven't been any issues with exes or overlapping relationships since then. Another person met her husband while she with her boyfriend of a few years. When she asked for a break with boyfriend because he wasn't willing to commit, the other guy swooped in. The ex came back shortly after and she even went back to the ex for a brief period. She then went back to her now husband knowing that he made her way happier than the boyfriend of several years ever did and has not looked back.

I think the difference is in all these cases the other person knows that they were chosen. The tough thing was that you reached out to this guy when he disappeared after 4 dates two times, which means you don't know if he would have manned up and groveled to get back with you realizing he wanted to be in a relationship with you versus you being there making it easy for him to not to be alone. You also feel that you are in deeper than he is and given his track record of him being hung up on the ex, that puts you in an even more vulnerable spot.

At this point, what do you want? You aren't going to get a do-over beginning. Do you want to break up and date other people to be "sure" and risk possibly breaking up forever? Would you feel more certain of the relationship if you went to some sort of premarital counseling so you feel like you really are a good match, not just about being in luv, you learn to communicate even about the tough topics, and can make sure he is willing to make compromises for you and it isn't a one way street despite how the relationship started?

Yes this! You hit the nail on the head.it isn't so much that there was someone else before me, it's just that because he dumped me twice to try to get things started with her again makes me now feel like, oh wow, did he ever really want me that much? If I hadn't made it super easy for him to keep starting things back up with me, would he ever have worked hard to get me back? In retrospect, it's evident he worked really hard to get back with her versus me, and when she finally closed the door on him, he sauntered over to me licking his wounds.

I know he loves me now truly. And from what I hear, he never treated her as well as he does me and he never talked of marrying her so I know what we have is far superior to what they did. It just hurts to know that when given a choice, he picked someone else over me at one point. (I don't believe he'd trade me for anything in the world now though)

If you're so sure that he loves you now, then you need to get over the whole ex situation. Why linger on the past? Live in the present and plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In answer to your questions, NO you are not being overly dramatic and YES this is a big deal.

You are correct, you did miss out on one of the best parts of any + all romantic relationships, the "honeymoon" phase. It seems yours was pretty much unilateral which means you got the short end of the stick. How unfair.

So I get how you would feel resentful about it, even after 2 years together as a couple.

I cannot tell you what to do about it now, if your resentment over it has grown over the years, then it is highly likely it will continue to grow + that may interfere w/your relationship growing in a healthy manner.

This is a very tough call, you need to decide if you have the capability to erase that time period from your mind altogether and instead of looking backward, you can look forward to a happy and blessed future together which may include marriage.

Can you do that in all honesty??

Well...thats how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I love our relationship now. He's a very good and attentive boyfriend. I'm just really sore that I missed out on our "getting to know each other" phase where he'd have a huge crush on me and hang with me all the time and do cute things for me.

And this is my first real relationship...so its not like i ever got to experience that with anyone else either.

Oh good Lord. Does your BF know you spend this much time thinking about HIS past? Don't be surprised if he gets tired of your Jr. High BS and moves on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this clearly still bothers you. You need to first realize that many of us miss out on "typical" experiences. Moms who adopt never get to experience pregnancy. Moms who have preemie babies never get to "bring home a newborn". Kids who have parents in the military never get to "grow up" in the same neighborhood. Have you thought about this at all? Life will at some point screw you out of an experience that by rights you should have had. My concern about you is that your boyfriend chose to text you while supposedly working things out with his ex. He dangled you for months while "doing the right thing". I'd urge you to read Gone With The Wind, it goes into many themes along this line. I would argue that your boyfriend didn't act with integrity, and your discomfort is that because on some level you know this. He dangled you in a very self-serving way. He's still dangling you because you two have "talked about marriage" yet he hasn't given you a ring and set a date. I'd dump him. He may have a lot of polish, but once you scrape that off, you're left with a rock, not the kind of rock you want and can depend on, but the kind that gets in your shoe and won't get out.

Well, Yes.

I understand that upon first meeting and dating my boyfriend didn't treat me well. He wasn't completely honest with her or me. He broke up with her and tried dating me and when he realized he still had feelings for her, he left me (after like, 4 casual dates) to go patch things up with her presumably. He contacted me again 3 months later, apologizing profusely and asked to start again. I agreed and this time after again, 4 casual dates, he disappeared and after I pushed him, he told me he realized he still had feelings for his ex and he didn;t want to lead me on. And he went back to her to try to work things out. We dated for the third time 7 months later and things have since been great.

My issue is that I can't seem to make peace with the fact that I was mistreated initially. I cant figure out if he was being mean or he was genuinely clueless and tried to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this clearly still bothers you. You need to first realize that many of us miss out on "typical" experiences. Moms who adopt never get to experience pregnancy. Moms who have preemie babies never get to "bring home a newborn". Kids who have parents in the military never get to "grow up" in the same neighborhood. Have you thought about this at all? Life will at some point screw you out of an experience that by rights you should have had. My concern about you is that your boyfriend chose to text you while supposedly working things out with his ex. He dangled you for months while "doing the right thing". I'd urge you to read Gone With The Wind, it goes into many themes along this line. I would argue that your boyfriend didn't act with integrity, and your discomfort is that because on some level you know this. He dangled you in a very self-serving way. He's still dangling you because you two have "talked about marriage" yet he hasn't given you a ring and set a date. I'd dump him. He may have a lot of polish, but once you scrape that off, you're left with a rock, not the kind of rock you want and can depend on, but the kind that gets in your shoe and won't get out.

Well, Yes.

I understand that upon first meeting and dating my boyfriend didn't treat me well. He wasn't completely honest with her or me. He broke up with her and tried dating me and when he realized he still had feelings for her, he left me (after like, 4 casual dates) to go patch things up with her presumably. He contacted me again 3 months later, apologizing profusely and asked to start again. I agreed and this time after again, 4 casual dates, he disappeared and after I pushed him, he told me he realized he still had feelings for his ex and he didn;t want to lead me on. And he went back to her to try to work things out. We dated for the third time 7 months later and things have since been great.

My issue is that I can't seem to make peace with the fact that I was mistreated initially. I cant figure out if he was being mean or he was genuinely clueless and tried to do the right thing.

It hurts because he didn't meet you and automatically just know, and that's what you wanted. It hurts because he chose someone over you, if only temporarily, twice. It makes sense to me that you wouldn't like that and that it would be an ego blow. But like a lot of PP's have said, a not so hot beginning doesn't mean everything can't be great. If your relationship is as good as you say, you are way ahead of a majority of couples who 'just knew' when they met. I'm sure those women would trade a more typical and happy beginning for a good, strong relationship any day. Imagine how you'd feel if you had a perfect, idyllic beginning and then he cheated 5 years later? Every scenario has potential issues. Yours is not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things it's not so bad. IF you can get past it/gain a new perspective on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My issue is that I can't seem to make peace with the fact that I was mistreated initially. I cant figure out if he was being mean or he was genuinely clueless and tried to do the right thing.

I'm slapping my forhead right now.? You do realize the time to have decided if you could live with this was when you took him back the first time and for sure the second time. If you couldn't be at peace with that start, why did you let things go further? It really isn't about his behavior, it's about you taking him back. Either you forgive someone or you don't, either you believe you both learned what you needed to learn to do better the second or third time around or you don't go forward. The same type of waffling you are doing now about it being a great relationship buuuut, may have been the waffling your boyfriend was doing with the ex. Same advice applies to you now as it did to him. Make a decision and go with it and do what you have to do to feel at peace with your decision. Either let it go, let him go, or look into therapy to help you work out your emotions. Wishing it started differently, anger, and doubt without trying to resolve it are not your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My issue is that I can't seem to make peace with the fact that I was mistreated initially. I cant figure out if he was being mean or he was genuinely clueless and tried to do the right thing.

I'm slapping my forhead right now.? You do realize the time to have decided if you could live with this was when you took him back the first time and for sure the second time. If you couldn't be at peace with that start, why did you let things go further? It really isn't about his behavior, it's about you taking him back. Either you forgive someone or you don't, either you believe you both learned what you needed to learn to do better the second or third time around or you don't go forward. The same type of waffling you are doing now about it being a great relationship buuuut, may have been the waffling your boyfriend was doing with the ex. Same advice applies to you now as it did to him. Make a decision and go with it and do what you have to do to feel at peace with your decision. Either let it go, let him go, or look into therapy to help you work out your emotions. Wishing it started differently, anger, and doubt without trying to resolve it are not your friends.

+1 And, if you can't figure out after all this time whether he was mistreating you or whether he was trying to do the right thing, you need to break up. You'll never know him well enough,

[Anonymous]

Op ~ real life is not based on "magic". Don't screw-up the here-and-now because of some wish-you-had fairy-tale.

Life is long. If you have him now, that's all that really matters.

[Anonymous]

Unless he is still in love with his ex. I think that's OPs fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless he is still in love with his ex. I think that's OPs fear.

OP here.

How do I know if he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless he is still in love with his ex. I think that's OPs fear.

OP here.

How do I know if he is?

Sometimes you can tell by certain behaviors, but it is hard to say because people handle emotions differently. And sometimes you can't tell at all.
You should honestly ask him if he ever thinks about her, and see what the energy feels like. Is he forthcoming? Does he clam up? Is there a lot of raw emotion that is still there? Some of those things can signal that he is still working through resolving things for her. A healthy response is the best response.

And at some point, you just have to trust him and take a leap of faith.