Boyfriend was in love with ex when we met

[Anonymous]

^^ oh for cryin out loud, sorry for the typos...and I don't have time to correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being overly dramatic, but it's going to bug you the rest of your life. Dump him.

Agree with this. I can't tell if the problem is that you need to grow up a little or if there is something there that isn't right and you're sensing it. Either way, you should probably move on.

+ 3 if it's going to bug you, start over fresh

[Anonymous]

Yes this! You hit the nail on the head.it isn't so much that there was someone else before me, it's just that because he dumped me twice to try to get things started with her again makes me now feel like, oh wow, did he ever really want me that much? If I hadn't made it super easy for him to keep starting things back up with me, would he ever have worked hard to get me back? In retrospect, it's evident he worked really hard to get back with her versus me, and when she finally closed the door on him, he sauntered over to me licking his wounds.

I know he loves me now truly. And from what I hear, he never treated her as well as he does me and he never talked of marrying her so I know what we have is far superior to what they did. It just hurts to know that when given a choice, he picked someone else over me at one point. (I don't believe he'd trade me for anything in the world now though)

You are clinging to your romantic fantasies, being overly dramatic and sound very insecure. You either have faith in your relationship or you don't. You're carrying a grudge and disappointment for something that happened before you had much of a relationship with your BF ('four or so dates' don't count as a relationship).

Also, I want to point out that if they were together for the 4 years they were in college, I'm sure they talked about a future together. You need to get over the fact your BF had strong feelings for someone before he had strong feelings for you. Therapy can help. I don't mean that in a snarky way. You just need some assistance in learning to let go of these unreasonable feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ oh for cryin out loud, sorry for the typos...and I don't have time to correct.

The time you used to type this could have been used to correct the mistakes... so, not true.

[Anonymous]

Op, similar situation. Even a break up after 3 months of dating. Sure I was bothered, and worried I was a rebound, etc. But we are now married with two kids and it's not an issue, hasn't been for a long time. At a certain point you let it go or move in. If your bf is a great partner and does not exhibit signs of still being in love with her, let it go. We all have pasts, and certain relationships that have strong claims on us, for a variety if reasons. Doesn't mean your relationship is lesser, just different.

[Anonymous]

I probably was not completely over my ex-gf when I met my wife. I didn't "dump" my wife, or attempt to get back together with the ex - it was definitely over - but I still hadn't completely "gotten over" the relationship. I was actually just trying to start casually dating in order to "move on". I was also dating another woman at the same time - we hadn't gone exclusive.

Here's the interesting part: the quality of the relationship I was able to develop with my wife is vastly better precisely because I didn't have that head-over-heels infatuation. The fact that my heart was still a little tied up allowed me to stop and think, and soberly consider our wants and practical needs - to see if we were indeed compatible and to be willing to risk losing the relationship - when you're already in a degree of heartbreak and at the bottom, you've got exactly nothing to lose. I was more honest with her and myself, and with the wreckage of a failed relationship fresh in my mind, I was able to really stay focused on thinking - able to be mindful - about pitfalls and problems (and not repeat them!!!).

The Rom-Com "meet cute" butterflies are fun, like getting drunk is fun...and you do a lot more stupid stuff under the influence. I don't have much advice for the OP other than to point out that solid relationships aren't built on infatuation or cute back-stories. They are built by couples who make mindful, conscious efforts to be a good partner to their partner and themselves.

And now, I wake up days, and look at my wife, and I get a tingly thought about how lucky I am - how truly lucky to have met such a wonderful person and not to have screwed up the relationship. That's mushy butterflies enough for me.

[Anonymous]

DH and I were both getting over exes when we met. It had been about 3 months since the end of his engagement (she said yes then changed her mind after 2 days) and it had been a little less than 2 months after the end of my 5 year relationship. DH and I started dating not looking for anything serious and just wanting to get back into it. We had no idea we'd fall head over heels for each other. 6 years later with a toddler and I still cannot get over how incredibly lucky I am to have DH as my partner and my love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes this! You hit the nail on the head.it isn't so much that there was someone else before me, it's just that because he dumped me twice to try to get things started with her again makes me now feel like, oh wow, did he ever really want me that much? If I hadn't made it super easy for him to keep starting things back up with me, would he ever have worked hard to get me back? In retrospect, it's evident he worked really hard to get back with her versus me, and when she finally closed the door on him, he sauntered over to me licking his wounds.

I know he loves me now truly. And from what I hear, he never treated her as well as he does me and he never talked of marrying her so I know what we have is far superior to what they did. It just hurts to know that when given a choice, he picked someone else over me at one point. (I don't believe he'd trade me for anything in the world now though)

You are clinging to your romantic fantasies, being overly dramatic and sound very insecure. You either have faith in your relationship or you don't. You're carrying a grudge and disappointment for something that happened before you had much of a relationship with your BF ('four or so dates' don't count as a relationship).

[b]Also, I want to point out that if they were together for the 4 years they were in college, I'm sure they talked about a future together. You need to get over the fact your BF had strong feelings for someone before he had strong feelings for you. [b]Therapy can help. I don't mean that in a snarky way. You just need some assistance in learning to let go of these unreasonable feelings.

I agree with PP. I'm always worried when someone is like "oh my boyfriend was an asshole that couldn't commit until he fell in love with me". Like the magic V turned him around. When you have two toddlers under 5, both working full-time, plus commutes will he still be a thoughtful and loving ...if someone gets laid off from work or you face any adversity, will he still be thoughful and loving? If you are proud that he didn't treat the other girlfriend as well as you or have to imagine that he didn't talk about getting serious with the ex-girlfriend of 4 years to feel confident in your relationship that isn't healthy. I think it's fair to say someone grew or learned what to do or not do based on a long term relationship that didn't work out or that they have a better idea of compatibilty realizing you can really love someone but not be compatible. I'd rather build a lifetime with someone that is innately kind and thoughtful or made a conscious choice based on past situations to do so than believe something magical happened with me that turned them around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably was not completely over my ex-gf when I met my wife. I didn't "dump" my wife, or attempt to get back together with the ex - it was definitely over - but I still hadn't completely "gotten over" the relationship. I was actually just trying to start casually dating in order to "move on". I was also dating another woman at the same time - we hadn't gone exclusive.

Here's the interesting part: the quality of the relationship I was able to develop with my wife is vastly better precisely because I didn't have that head-over-heels infatuation. The fact that my heart was still a little tied up allowed me to stop and think, and soberly consider our wants and practical needs - to see if we were indeed compatible and to be willing to risk losing the relationship - when you're already in a degree of heartbreak and at the bottom, you've got exactly nothing to lose. I was more honest with her and myself, and with the wreckage of a failed relationship fresh in my mind, I was able to really stay focused on thinking - able to be mindful - about pitfalls and problems (and not repeat them!!!).

The Rom-Com "meet cute" butterflies are fun, like getting drunk is fun...and you do a lot more stupid stuff under the influence. I don't have much advice for the OP other than to point out that solid relationships aren't built on infatuation or cute back-stories. They are built by couples who make mindful, conscious efforts to be a good partner to their partner and themselves.

And now, I wake up days, and look at my wife, and I get a tingly thought about how lucky I am - how truly lucky to have met such a wonderful person and not to have screwed up the relationship. That's mushy butterflies enough for me.

OP Here:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It reallly really helped put my situation in perspective. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm so happy with him but I always get confused when I see other couples share their meet-cutes. They're always stories about how they met their SO and fell instantly in love and they couldn't get enough of each other.

My relationships didn't evolve that way. We met, had a few casual fun dates where I thought he was cute and wonderful, but he was hung up on his ex. He went back to try things with her twice and only during our third first date, did I finally feel like he was actually present and beginning to notice me how I had noticed him a few months prior.

I feel like we are now, almost two years in, in our "honeymoon phase" and can't get enough of each other and thank our lucky stars we each gave each other the third chance.

It feels good to know that we aren't doomed because we didn't fall head over heels in love upon first meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes this! You hit the nail on the head.it isn't so much that there was someone else before me, it's just that because he dumped me twice to try to get things started with her again makes me now feel like, oh wow, did he ever really want me that much? If I hadn't made it super easy for him to keep starting things back up with me, would he ever have worked hard to get me back? In retrospect, it's evident he worked really hard to get back with her versus me, and when she finally closed the door on him, he sauntered over to me licking his wounds.

I know he loves me now truly. And from what I hear, he never treated her as well as he does me and he never talked of marrying her so I know what we have is far superior to what they did. It just hurts to know that when given a choice, he picked someone else over me at one point. (I don't believe he'd trade me for anything in the world now though)

You are clinging to your romantic fantasies, being overly dramatic and sound very insecure. You either have faith in your relationship or you don't. You're carrying a grudge and disappointment for something that happened before you had much of a relationship with your BF ('four or so dates' don't count as a relationship).

[b]Also, I want to point out that if they were together for the 4 years they were in college, I'm sure they talked about a future together. You need to get over the fact your BF had strong feelings for someone before he had strong feelings for you. [b]Therapy can help. I don't mean that in a snarky way. You just need some assistance in learning to let go of these unreasonable feelings.

I agree with PP. I'm always worried when someone is like "oh my boyfriend was an asshole that couldn't commit until he fell in love with me". Like the magic V turned him around. When you have two toddlers under 5, both working full-time, plus commutes will he still be a thoughtful and loving ...if someone gets laid off from work or you face any adversity, will he still be thoughful and loving? If you are proud that he didn't treat the other girlfriend as well as you or have to imagine that he didn't talk about getting serious with the ex-girlfriend of 4 years to feel confident in your relationship that isn't healthy. I think it's fair to say someone grew or learned what to do or not do based on a long term relationship that didn't work out or that they have a better idea of compatibilty realizing you can really love someone but not be compatible. I'd rather build a lifetime with someone that is innately kind and thoughtful or made a conscious choice based on past situations to do so than believe something magical happened with me that turned them around.

OP here.

Yes, I agree with you. I take back what I said there, I don't think my boyfriend was terrible to his ex, he clearly wasn't which is why they lasted as long as they did. They must've had something beautiful and special, especially in the way first loves tend to be. He was very kind to her, he left me to try to work things out with her, because along with having feelings for her, he always likes to do the right thing. When we met, he was in a tumultuous long distance relationship with her. She had decided to stay in Atlanta after college and he moved to DC to go to grad school. I now know that he wasn't technically single when he happened upon me at a party back then and where we hit it off. I heard from mutual friends that he had broken up with his ex and wanted to take me out. It was stupid of me to accept his invite so fast after his breakup. Clearly they weren;t really over each other until much later.

So, long story short. I think my bf has grown a lot. He has certainly learned how to be a better boyfriend and partner and treats me better as a result of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure the percentage is high for people in relationships where at least ONE of the couple was in love with someone else before they met their current partner. If you truly love him, get over the fact that there was someone before you. You sound young

There wasn't just someone before her, there was someone during her. Twice. Early stages or not, that's a lot to swallow.

Disagree. A more mature person would put this in perspective and move on, especially two years into a great relationship. We all have a past. Big deal, get over it and live in the present.

Not a slam against OP, but she does sound young and has a lot of growing up to do. Agree, OP. He's not the one for you. You're not ready for him yet.

Def the older you get, the less it will bother you. Wait until after menopause, some women do not care for intimacy and turn a blind eye as long as it is not in the open. This explains why women like Hilary Clinton stays with Bill.

[Anonymous]

In answer to your questions, NO you are not being overly dramatic and YES this is a big deal.

You are correct, you did miss out on one of the best parts of any + all romantic relationships, the "honeymoon" phase. It seems yours was pretty much unilateral which means you got the short end of the stick. How unfair.

So I get how you would feel resentful about it, even after 2 years together as a couple.

I cannot tell you what to do about it now, if your resentment over it has grown over the years, then it is highly likely it will continue to grow + that may interfere w/your relationship growing in a healthy manner.

This is a very tough call, you need to decide if you have the capability to erase that time period from your mind altogether and instead of looking backward, you can look forward to a happy and blessed future together which may include marriage.

Can you do that in all honesty??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being overly dramatic, but it's going to bug you the rest of your life. Dump him.

Agree with this. I can't tell if the problem is that you need to grow up a little or if there is something there that isn't right and you're sensing it. Either way, you should probably move on.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with PP. I'm always worried when someone is like "oh my boyfriend was an asshole that couldn't commit until he fell in love with me". Like the magic V turned him around. When you have two toddlers under 5, both working full-time, plus commutes will he still be a thoughtful and loving ...if someone gets laid off from work or you face any adversity, will he still be thoughful and loving? If you are proud that he didn't treat the other girlfriend as well as you or have to imagine that he didn't talk about getting serious with the ex-girlfriend of 4 years to feel confident in your relationship that isn't healthy. I think it's fair to say someone grew or learned what to do or not do based on a long term relationship that didn't work out or that they have a better idea of compatibilty realizing you can really love someone but not be compatible. I'd rather build a lifetime with someone that is innately kind and thoughtful or made a conscious choice based on past situations to do so than believe something magical happened with me that turned them around.

OP here.

Yes, I agree with you. I take back what I said there, I don't think my boyfriend was terrible to his ex, he clearly wasn't which is why they lasted as long as they did. They must've had something beautiful and special, especially in the way first loves tend to be. He was very kind to her, he left me to try to work things out with her, because along with having feelings for her, he always likes to do the right thing. When we met, he was in a tumultuous long distance relationship with her. She had decided to stay in Atlanta after college and he moved to DC to go to grad school. I now know that he wasn't technically single when he happened upon me at a party back then and where we hit it off. I heard from mutual friends that he had broken up with his ex and wanted to take me out. It was stupid of me to accept his invite so fast after his breakup. Clearly they weren;t really over each other until much later.

So, long story short. I think my bf has grown a lot. He has certainly learned how to be a better boyfriend and partner and treats me better as a result of that.

I'm the PP you were responding to and I think you have your beginning, it was just more When Harry Met Sally than meet-cute. On some level you realize that you had to have the beginning that you had to have the relationship that you have now. If he hadn't tried to work it out with the ex, he would maybe be more unsure of the relationship now or always wonder if it could have worked out. If you didn't express disappointment when he dropped off the first time after the date he may not have contacted you figuring you had move on or not wanting to face possible rejection. Maybe he needed someone to be a little more into him in the beginning, especially since at least in relocation choice the ex did not put him first, in order to let down his guard and really throw himself in the relationship and feel safe in being more open with you. If your usual dating had the guy wooing you, maybe this relationship worked out better because you somehow acted differently because you weren't on a pedestal, had to give more of yourself etc.

Sometimes your relationship has to start different than your other relationships to be different than all your other relationships. Although my DH was interested in dating me, he let me set the pace for the relationship versus me being in the role of being pursued. I'm convinced it was some kind of reverse psychology and he was a genius because I let down my guard sooner with DH than any other guy because I didn't feel pressured. Don't get me wrong that I still looked for signs that he was interested and for example I wasn't always the one to call him or wanting to make plans but overall, other than the initial date, I set how fast things were going and pursued him in certain aspects. I don't lament that I didn't have the guy calling me all the time and delivering roses to my doorstop on date 2 because that guy would have scared the crap out of me, or caused me to be more reserved while I figured out if I liked him, or caused me to not be myself so I could play Cinderella to his Prince Charming. So anyway, if you really believe your relationship is strong, which I think you do, maybe things happened the way they did for a reason.

[Anonymous]

22:26- I really like the way you think! Great perspective.