need feedback from a cannabis user married to a non user or vice versa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicating anxiety with pot???? I thought I'd heard it all! Pot causes horrible anxiety and paranoia. I've never seen someone with dx anxiety who could handle pot without completely freaking out.

Well, duh. Drugs affect everyone differently. the paranoia and horrible anxiety is for amateurs like you.

[Anonymous]

Not a user anymore, married to someone who uses casually. We have never been in the same place when he's smoked, or I might have joined him to check if I enjoyed it as an adult (last time I smoked, the 90s were barely in the rear view).

The person you're looking for does exist, but it doesn't sound like that kind of relationship with pot is possible for your husband. You're trying to find a model of a person who orders a glass of wine with dinner and doesn't finish it and applying that model to a person who doesn't believe there is anything wrong with drinking a whole bottle of wine.

You can have and maintain a casual relationship with pot, just like you can with alcohol, but it's next to impossible for a person who has an all or nothing relationship, who states that bad things would happen if they stopped using, who blames he issues caused by their use on a partner who doesn't get it. It doesn't sound like he's been terribly invested in helping you get it, either, but more in shutting you down because you couldn't understand.

The logical response to this is that he has violated he ground rules - in terms of amount he spends, in maintaining his responsibilities, in not smoking at home, etc. that's where I'd start, if I was in your situation. You want him to have his coping mechanisms, but not at the expense of other aspects of life. I don't have any recent numbers, but for frame of reference, $300/mo is half our grocery budget. It's the utilities (all of the them). I would frame it to him as an expense that needs to be managed and budgeted for and hold him accountable for not doing that. The other ground rules - venue, any failures to complete household tasks, etc. - are simply part of that trend. It is highly unlikely that your daughter is not aware. If she's not now, I promise you, from experience, the first time she encounters pot socially, a lightbulb will go on in her head. That's pretty much exactly how I realized my hippie dad smoked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am really struck with the number of times you are qualifying your posts..."I know there's a spectum", "I'm not anti-pot!", etc. We don't need convincing. This is a board largely full of busy parents raising kids who just want the best for our familes. No one here is going to find a way to justify how to make your DH's behavior. It's clear he's tasked you (or you've tasked yourself) with finding this magical "non-addicted user"...then you can present your DH with a workable model that he can emulate, and it'll all work out. Except it won't. Either he's given you an impossible task so he can continue his behavior the way addicts do, or you've given it to yourself because you're not ready to let go.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. It sounds like he was once a man you loved very much. It's time to go. He will sink or swim, but you need to get your daughter (and yourself!) out of that environment. Otherwise, be prepared to have a child whose experience matches 19:35. Good luck.

+1. You can not make life work with an addict. They will ruin your life. He is deflecting all responsibility and making it seem like you have the problem. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol or drugs. The person abusing them will rationalize their behavior at the expense of everyone else. Free yourself from this person.

[Anonymous]

My DH quit while we were dating. If he started up again, that would be divorce territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

do you grow your own? how do you spend $10-20 a month? Wtf? you aren't a user - more like a social smoker, if that.

300 is not crazy - that's about an ounce a month or about 1 joint a day.

its the having one glass of nice single-malt macallan, or belgian abbey beer (rochefort, westmalle, etc), or very good wine every day. - and no one would bat an eyelid over that habit.

[Anonymous]

If you're spending $300 on dope per month, you have a problem, even if you do have that kind of money to burn.

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're spending $300 on dope per month, you have a problem, even if you do have that kind of money to burn.

Jesus.

ridiculous double standard - 300/month is one nice drink at bar after work.

If OP had said "my husband likes to drink one glass of single malt after work before coming home" this thread would be less than a page long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

do you grow your own? how do you spend $10-20 a month? Wtf? you aren't a user - more like a social smoker, if that.

300 is not crazy - that's about an ounce a month or about 1 joint a day.

its the having one glass of nice single-malt macallan, or belgian abbey beer (rochefort, westmalle, etc), or very good wine every day. - and no one would bat an eyelid over that habit.

That's what I spend. I just purchased a quarter oz of skunk for $100 and it will last me a good 6 months. I'm a grown ass adult with real world responsibilities. I can't be smoking a joint each day. I can't smoke a joint full of skunk weed any day. That would render me comatose and would certainly be a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

do you grow your own? how do you spend $10-20 a month? Wtf? you aren't a user - more like a social smoker, if that.

300 is not crazy - that's about an ounce a month or about 1 joint a day.

its the having one glass of nice single-malt macallan, or belgian abbey beer (rochefort, westmalle, etc), or very good wine every day. - and no one would bat an eyelid over that habit.

That's what I spend. I just purchased a quarter oz of skunk for $100 and it will last me a good 6 months. I'm a grown ass adult with real world responsibilities. I can't be smoking a joint each day. I can't smoke a joint full of skunk weed any day. That would render me comatose and would certainly be a serious problem.

Well, I'm also an adult with real world responsibilities and a quarter lasts me about 9 days. Your "use" is virtually non-existent if that'll last you six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

do you grow your own? how do you spend $10-20 a month? Wtf? you aren't a user - more like a social smoker, if that.

300 is not crazy - that's about an ounce a month or about 1 joint a day.

its the having one glass of nice single-malt macallan, or belgian abbey beer (rochefort, westmalle, etc), or very good wine every day. - and no one would bat an eyelid over that habit.

That's what I spend. I just purchased a quarter oz of skunk for $100 and it will last me a good 6 months. I'm a grown ass adult with real world responsibilities. I can't be smoking a joint each day. I can't smoke a joint full of skunk weed any day. That would render me comatose and would certainly be a serious problem.

Well, I'm also an adult with real world responsibilities and a quarter lasts me about 9 days. Your "use" is virtually non-existent if that'll last you six months.

OK angry stoner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're spending $300 on dope per month, you have a problem, even if you do have that kind of money to burn.

Jesus.

ridiculous double standard - 300/month is one nice drink at bar after work.

If OP had said "my husband likes to drink one glass of single malt after work before coming home" this thread would be less than a page long.

That would be a huge waste of money, too. $300 on booze? What a waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

do you grow your own? how do you spend $10-20 a month? Wtf? you aren't a user - more like a social smoker, if that.

300 is not crazy - that's about an ounce a month or about 1 joint a day.

its the having one glass of nice single-malt macallan, or belgian abbey beer (rochefort, westmalle, etc), or very good wine every day. - and no one would bat an eyelid over that habit.

That's what I spend. I just purchased a quarter oz of skunk for $100 and it will last me a good 6 months. I'm a grown ass adult with real world responsibilities. I can't be smoking a joint each day. I can't smoke a joint full of skunk weed any day. That would render me comatose and would certainly be a serious problem.

Well, I'm also an adult with real world responsibilities and a quarter lasts me about 9 days. Your "use" is virtually non-existent if that'll last you six months.

OK angry stoner.

i'm not PP you quoted, but PP nested regarding a joint a day - good to see there's more than one of us.

all in all, some people wind down with one or two drinks a day - and some wind down with 1/2-1 gram of kush a day.

Nothing different.

[Anonymous]

Be careful how you involve your child. Being a support person for you doing this could have lasting consequences.

[Anonymous]

a $300/mo pot habit is pretty bad and yes, I'm a casual user. Most would consider someone who did that psychologically addicted. Sure better than drinking 2 bottles of wine a night, but certainly the same pathology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want him to change. He's not going to. Take the energy you're putting into researching arguments for his moderation and put it towards your plan to become independent. I'm sorry. Good luck.

Of course I want him to. But I know I cant make him. Ive known that for a while. However, this recent turn of him putting energy into arguments for ME NEEDING TO CHANGE by becoming more "accepting" of "who he is" has prompted me to want to have at least some proper comeback. Besides "There is no point in discussing this any more" which is where I am now.

Today I asked him if HE thought he was an addict. I asked this calmly and there was no drama. He said "By what definition?" I said, "Well, you define it for me. Just answer the question based on your definition" and he said "Well, if you define addiction according to how bad it would be to stop completely, then it would be bad for me to stop completely". Interesting response. Whatever.

His latest thing is to draw comparisons between my drinking wine and his smoking weed. Yeah, the constant attention I pay to making sure I dont exceed the healthful average of a glass a day, researching stats on breast cancer and alchohol, blood pressure and alcohol, talking to my doctors about alcohol, all that is really is equal to toking up througout every day just to get through it. Hmm.

So, yes, the picture of his alternate universe is now complete to me.

Now, all I am asking is about al-anon that people keep saying I should go to. I want to know what posters believe I can achieve with al anon based on experience.

You say you know you can't change him so why do you keep arguing with him?! Stop engaging with him on this subject. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon can help you with this but you have to go regularly and you have to do the difficult work of letting go of your dh. I know you think you have detached from your dh -- and it sounds like you've taken the first step -- but you are still trying to get him to see your point of view. He won't.