Is it just me or are people on this board getting really mean?

[Anonymous]

The posts with a lot of "meanness" are the ones where the OP wants to use their kid's SN to excuse bad behavior. I have zero problem calling out a mom who thinks it's okay for her kid to go ape shit on multiple teachers "because he was a preemie." And if you do then you're part of the reason people get annoyed with SN parents. You know what's mean? Letting your kid keep getting kicked out of daycares for his aggression issues instead of getting help for him so that he has a stable care environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM did not exist in 2002. And the SN forum came into being in 2007.

Sure it did. Feel free to ask Jeff. It was a list serve - there were no forums. It was kind of like a Yahoo group (but it wasn't Yahoo). You posted to the site (with a title) and all the posts were listed sequentially by time. The titles always appeared in blue until you read them and then they turned purple. Even back then, you could post anonomously. Most people did. WreckHavoc was one person I remember that often had good responses. She was often really witty but always a good writer.) You could choose to have new posts emailed to you as they were posted, batched and sent as a digest or not sent to you at all. There was a lot less traffic back then but I assure you, DCUM did exist in 2002.

Interesting past history, but I'm not sure it's really valuable to compare meanness levels about special needs on the DCUM listserve (which still exists, and you can still post to it) way back when vs. meanness levels on the Special Needs Board as it exists in its current form since 2007.

[Anonymous]

There is so much snark and nastiness and trolling on this board that you have to ignore most of it, OP.

OTOH, I've found very useful advice and information on this board, so I just try to ignore as much of the crap and nastiness as I can.

I wish DCUM were moderated, and that the nasty posts were deleted, as they do in other moderated boards. But that's not the case here so nasty posters and trolls go at it. Spoils the board most of the time, but on occasion, I will read an entire five or six page thread that has not a single snarky or mean post!

Score one for the kindness of strangers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much snark and nastiness and trolling on this board that you have to ignore most of it, OP.

OTOH, I've found very useful advice and information on this board, so I just try to ignore as much of the crap and nastiness as I can.

I wish DCUM were moderated, and that the nasty posts were deleted, as they do in other moderated boards. But that's not the case here so nasty posters and trolls go at it. Spoils the board most of the time, but on occasion, I will read an entire five or six page thread that has not a single snarky or mean post!

Score one for the kindness of strangers!

It is moderated, all one has to do is report an offensive post and it will addressed and probably deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much snark and nastiness and trolling on this board that you have to ignore most of it, OP.

OTOH, I've found very useful advice and information on this board, so I just try to ignore as much of the crap and nastiness as I can.

I wish DCUM were moderated, and that the nasty posts were deleted, as they do in other moderated boards. But that's not the case here so nasty posters and trolls go at it. Spoils the board most of the time, but on occasion, I will read an entire five or six page thread that has not a single snarky or mean post!

Score one for the kindness of strangers!

It is moderated, all one has to do is report an offensive post and it will addressed and probably deleted.

There's a difference between offensive and mean. The responses referred to above don't mean rise to the level of offensive and are unlikely to be deleted. Still, they color the forum in an ugly palette.

[Anonymous]

My feeling on this is -- I have dealt with kind SN professionals, and blunt and mean and offensive ones. Sometimes the blunt/mean/offensive ones have had valuable things to say/offer, even if I deeply disliked what they were saying. There is a line between blunt/harsh and something that should be reported to the moderator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of similar posts clustering within a narrow time range, I suspect it's a small minority that are trying to change the norms of the forum.

Maybe you should instruct them on what the "norms" are. Is it written down somewhere?

I'm sorry you feel the need or have the desire to be so snarky. People have been quite clear on what the norms of this forum are. Given the challenges in our lives, it's been nice to have a place to let my guard down and find support with people who face similar issues, worries, concerns and judgments. That doesn't mean we always agree with each other but at least differing opinions were expressed and recieved respectfully. If you feel you have been respectful, I would encourage you to look at how others perceive your comments. This may not be the right forum for you.

I wasn't being snarky. It's a valid question to ask what the "standard of politeness" is especially since OP felt the need to post examples of what is polite, impolite and verges on impolite. You cannot judge "tone" from internet posts or have control of how others perceive posts. Apparently you and OP feel that only "butterflies and sunshine" posts belong here and feel you can control an anon forum. Well, start your own then. Your last sentence telling me, "This may not be the right forum for you." is telling and very mean. Like who are you to tell another SN parent whether they belong here or not.

I started out preparing a detailed response but through the writing process, I realized this discussion really boils down to the following point.

What is your purpose in coming to the SN forum?

Support and assistance are the defining characteristics of this forum and distinguish us from the other forums. To do that, communication needs to be effective, particularly if you are in disagreement with something that was posted. You most certainly can judge tone and politeness in posts. We do it all the time in the workplace and in our personal correspondence. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see why those posts are viewed as rude/snarky for this forum. They’re more typical of General Parenting where the desire to help is often lacking and people don’t undertake the self-editing needed to write in such a way to avoid an emotional response (a goad). The SN forum isn’t about goading or provoking people. It’s to provide support and assistance. That doesn’t mean you always agree with a post but if you truly want someone to consider a differing viewpoint, you need to avoid provoking an emotional response. That doesn't mean 'butterflies and sunshine', it can be brusque or to the point, but it shouldn't be provocative. You want to generate consideration, not emotion. That is, if you are truly interested in helping.

That you fail to see this makes me question why you come to the SN forum and if it's right for you. That’s not mean (or bullying), that’s the natural consequence of poor behavior. People don't want you around if you're not contributing in a positive manner. I hope the incivility of this forum doesn’t continue to increase. I want the support/assistance the forum has offered me over the last decade and I have a lot to contribute. I believe the vast majority of the community in the SN forum agrees. Until the last 6 months or so, the norm of this community has been civility so that we can effectively support and assist one another – whether or not we agree with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of similar posts clustering within a narrow time range, I suspect it's a small minority that are trying to change the norms of the forum.

Maybe you should instruct them on what the "norms" are. Is it written down somewhere?

I'm sorry you feel the need or have the desire to be so snarky. People have been quite clear on what the norms of this forum are. Given the challenges in our lives, it's been nice to have a place to let my guard down and find support with people who face similar issues, worries, concerns and judgments. That doesn't mean we always agree with each other but at least differing opinions were expressed and recieved respectfully. If you feel you have been respectful, I would encourage you to look at how others perceive your comments. This may not be the right forum for you.

I wasn't being snarky. It's a valid question to ask what the "standard of politeness" is especially since OP felt the need to post examples of what is polite, impolite and verges on impolite. You cannot judge "tone" from internet posts or have control of how others perceive posts. Apparently you and OP feel that only "butterflies and sunshine" posts belong here and feel you can control an anon forum. Well, start your own then. Your last sentence telling me, "This may not be the right forum for you." is telling and very mean. Like who are you to tell another SN parent whether they belong here or not.

I started out preparing a detailed response but through the writing process, I realized this discussion really boils down to the following point.

What is your purpose in coming to the SN forum?

Support and assistance are the defining characteristics of this forum and distinguish us from the other forums. To do that, communication needs to be effective, particularly if you are in disagreement with something that was posted. You most certainly can judge tone and politeness in posts. We do it all the time in the workplace and in our personal correspondence. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see why those posts are viewed as rude/snarky for this forum. They’re more typical of General Parenting where the desire to help is often lacking and people don’t undertake the self-editing needed to write in such a way to avoid an emotional response (a goad). The SN forum isn’t about goading or provoking people. It’s to provide support and assistance. That doesn’t mean you always agree with a post but if you truly want someone to consider a differing viewpoint, you need to avoid provoking an emotional response. That doesn't mean 'butterflies and sunshine', it can be brusque or to the point, but it shouldn't be provocative. You want to generate consideration, not emotion. That is, if you are truly interested in helping.

That you fail to see this makes me question why you come to the SN forum and if it's right for you. That’s not mean (or bullying), that’s the natural consequence of poor behavior. People don't want you around if you're not contributing in a positive manner. I hope the incivility of this forum doesn’t continue to increase. I want the support/assistance the forum has offered me over the last decade and I have a lot to contribute. I believe the vast majority of the community in the SN forum agrees. Until the last 6 months or so, the norm of this community has been civility so that we can effectively support and assist one another – whether or not we agree with each other.

The point is that some people have assigned themselves the role of moderator and the only mod here is Jeff. I personally don't like the incivility that are clearly meant to be a "goad" but most of the time people seem to read "harschness" into posts that is simply brusque and to the point. I haven't read all the postings but the one thread that sticks out is the one with the 2E kid whose mother wants to blame "inflexible" Easter Seals daycare, the fact that her child was a premie, her entering Ker is "2E", etc. for her child's rage issues. Even on that thread, someone complained that the OP was being judged harshly when people were mostly telling her that her child needs a therapeutic environment.

While I don't always agree with what people post here, I want to hear others' opinions without having individuals censure themselves b/c god forbid, their post may come off as "unsupportive" and "harsh". The fact of the matter is, most people find opinions that they disagree with to be "unsupportive" and "harsh".

[Anonymous]

I don't have a problem with harshness from other parents if SN kids, if it's called for. I do have a problem with parents if NT kids coming here and saying nasty things. It adds nothing. If you don't know what you are talking about, you shouldn't be attacking us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of similar posts clustering within a narrow time range, I suspect it's a small minority that are trying to change the norms of the forum.

Maybe you should instruct them on what the "norms" are. Is it written down somewhere?

I'm sorry you feel the need or have the desire to be so snarky. People have been quite clear on what the norms of this forum are. Given the challenges in our lives, it's been nice to have a place to let my guard down and find support with people who face similar issues, worries, concerns and judgments. That doesn't mean we always agree with each other but at least differing opinions were expressed and recieved respectfully. If you feel you have been respectful, I would encourage you to look at how others perceive your comments. This may not be the right forum for you.

I wasn't being snarky. It's a valid question to ask what the "standard of politeness" is especially since OP felt the need to post examples of what is polite, impolite and verges on impolite. You cannot judge "tone" from internet posts or have control of how others perceive posts. Apparently you and OP feel that only "butterflies and sunshine" posts belong here and feel you can control an anon forum. Well, start your own then. Your last sentence telling me, "This may not be the right forum for you." is telling and very mean. Like who are you to tell another SN parent whether they belong here or not.

I started out preparing a detailed response but through the writing process, I realized this discussion really boils down to the following point.

What is your purpose in coming to the SN forum?

Support and assistance are the defining characteristics of this forum and distinguish us from the other forums. To do that, communication needs to be effective, particularly if you are in disagreement with something that was posted. You most certainly can judge tone and politeness in posts. We do it all the time in the workplace and in our personal correspondence. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see why those posts are viewed as rude/snarky for this forum. They’re more typical of General Parenting where the desire to help is often lacking and people don’t undertake the self-editing needed to write in such a way to avoid an emotional response (a goad). The SN forum isn’t about goading or provoking people. It’s to provide support and assistance. That doesn’t mean you always agree with a post but if you truly want someone to consider a differing viewpoint, you need to avoid provoking an emotional response. That doesn't mean 'butterflies and sunshine', it can be brusque or to the point, but it shouldn't be provocative. You want to generate consideration, not emotion. That is, if you are truly interested in helping.

That you fail to see this makes me question why you come to the SN forum and if it's right for you. That’s not mean (or bullying), that’s the natural consequence of poor behavior. People don't want you around if you're not contributing in a positive manner. I hope the incivility of this forum doesn’t continue to increase. I want the support/assistance the forum has offered me over the last decade and I have a lot to contribute. I believe the vast majority of the community in the SN forum agrees. Until the last 6 months or so, the norm of this community has been civility so that we can effectively support and assist one another – whether or not we agree with each other.

Well, you should start your own forum... then you can ban whoever you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of similar posts clustering within a narrow time range, I suspect it's a small minority that are trying to change the norms of the forum.

Maybe you should instruct them on what the "norms" are. Is it written down somewhere?

I'm sorry you feel the need or have the desire to be so snarky. People have been quite clear on what the norms of this forum are. Given the challenges in our lives, it's been nice to have a place to let my guard down and find support with people who face similar issues, worries, concerns and judgments. That doesn't mean we always agree with each other but at least differing opinions were expressed and recieved respectfully. If you feel you have been respectful, I would encourage you to look at how others perceive your comments. This may not be the right forum for you.

I wasn't being snarky. It's a valid question to ask what the "standard of politeness" is especially since OP felt the need to post examples of what is polite, impolite and verges on impolite. You cannot judge "tone" from internet posts or have control of how others perceive posts. Apparently you and OP feel that only "butterflies and sunshine" posts belong here and feel you can control an anon forum. Well, start your own then. Your last sentence telling me, "This may not be the right forum for you." is telling and very mean. Like who are you to tell another SN parent whether they belong here or not.

I started out preparing a detailed response but through the writing process, I realized this discussion really boils down to the following point.

What is your purpose in coming to the SN forum?

Support and assistance are the defining characteristics of this forum and distinguish us from the other forums. To do that, communication needs to be effective, particularly if you are in disagreement with something that was posted. You most certainly can judge tone and politeness in posts. We do it all the time in the workplace and in our personal correspondence. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see why those posts are viewed as rude/snarky for this forum. They’re more typical of General Parenting where the desire to help is often lacking and people don’t undertake the self-editing needed to write in such a way to avoid an emotional response (a goad). The SN forum isn’t about goading or provoking people. It’s to provide support and assistance. That doesn’t mean you always agree with a post but if you truly want someone to consider a differing viewpoint, you need to avoid provoking an emotional response. That doesn't mean 'butterflies and sunshine', it can be brusque or to the point, but it shouldn't be provocative. You want to generate consideration, not emotion. That is, if you are truly interested in helping.

That you fail to see this makes me question why you come to the SN forum and if it's right for you. That’s not mean (or bullying), that’s the natural consequence of poor behavior. People don't want you around if you're not contributing in a positive manner. I hope the incivility of this forum doesn’t continue to increase. I want the support/assistance the forum has offered me over the last decade and I have a lot to contribute. I believe the vast majority of the community in the SN forum agrees. Until the last 6 months or so, the norm of this community has been civility so that we can effectively support and assist one another – whether or not we agree with each other.

Excellent point! That being said, who really knows who is posting? Some of the rude one sentence responses sound like a teenager at home with nothing better to do. Probably not even NT parents. One really has to weigh the advice on this sight, personally I am not going to take advice from my sulky, immature, prepubescent niece! OTOH a seasoned SN parent in a rush, whose post is harsh but has some BTDT insight- I will take. Sometimes it is hard to figure the too-