How do you find out how someone died?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Want to explain why we lost touch and why I didn't pursue us getting back together as friends, and why that doesn't automatically translate into "well then I guess you weren't very close friends."

First, (as a brief tangent) for those 40 and under, please understand that there was a time when there were no cell phones and email. That meant that you didn't take your contact info with you automatically. So if you moved, people couldn't find you unless they called your mom or something. This used to be a very common thing to do, not long ago. When high schoolers went off to college, they actually lost touch. You could still find them through the parents, or at a reunion or through classmates, but say if you MET in college and only had their college address, then you could actually lose track of them after graduation. This concept is SO WEIRD even as I think about it, but that's how it was just 10-15 years ago and back.

Ok but onto this situation, which didn't involve the above (that was my other friend's situation): My deceased friend was a very practical person, and also very very ambitious.

My now-DH was engaged before to Person Y, and he broke the engagement and they ended up on bad terms. Person Y was a partner at Firm Z. Flash-forward a few years and my friend transferred over and became a partner at Firm Z about the same time I became engaged to DH.

So I could see how suddenly, my friend was in a partnership at a junior level and dealing with Person Y, and being friends with me and future DH would be awkward for her. She basically phased me (us) out.

And you know, I understand it. This was pre-marriage, pre-kids, at a time when we were very career-driven and didn't necessarily have the same viewpoint as people do after marriage/kids, growing older, watching parents die, etc. At the time it's just about me-and-my-career. And one worries about their career, and thinks about what could mess it up. DH's ex was volatile, which is why he broke off her engagement with her in the first place.

Anyways I saw that yes, it was awkward for her and after a few attempts, I let it lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies.

No of course I'm not going to do anything creepy. I don't think I'm coming from a gossipy place; I'm coming from a place of real shock and sadness.

I mentioned it in an email to a friend of mine who knew both of us at the time and has only stayed in touch with me, and he just said, "oh, wow, I always think of X and that time we were walking down the street and some weirdo threw a bag of mayonnaise at us….ha ha…I'm sorry you're upset, but that was sooo long ago."

Bottom line: He doesn't get it; that wasn't helpful; I want someone to GET IT that I'm upset even though we were out of touch.

Ok so I realize I've asked the wrong question. It's really not about how she died. I guess the real question is, when someone you cared about dies, and you don't know what happened, and don't have any friends in common to discuss it, what do you do to help yourself let it go?

Sorry OP. I wish I had a good answer for you. I posted elsewhere about learning that an acquaintance died in the last couple of days, and I'm surmising it was a suicide. I'm obsessively following the FB page that was set up when she was merely missing, and the page of our mutual friend, who was her BFf. I think it's the idea that grief is a process, and you have to sort of wallow in it for a while in order to be able to let it go. I think that's why we have things like wakes and memorial services, because people need these rituals to work through grief. Maybe take some time to write a condolence letter to the family, share some favorite memories, be alone with those thoughts for a while, and see if that helps you process everything.

Sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Blah blah blah. Did you find out the cause of death or not?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it matters why you weren't in touch. If her family wanted you know her cause of death, they would have informed you. Please be sensitive to the fact that she did leave behind young children who could be affected by this information being shared publicly.

[Anonymous]

First, I'd do some Facebook research (you might call it "creeping" or "stalking" but I call it research); look up her name and the names of her close relatives or other mutual friends (such as your husband's ex-girlfriend) and dig around to find any mentions of the situation.

You could go to the Caring Bridge website and search her name. It's a website a lot of people use as a sort of Hub where family or friends of somebody who is sick or dying (typically) can post updates or stories or keep a journal so loved ones can stay updated.

Also, in the obit, did it state where they'd like donations sent? I usually presume it gives a clue to how the person dies.

[Anonymous]

Read the Irish Sports Page!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 7:48, all I can say is, wait until it happens to you. The untimely death; they are your peer and you liked them. You want to know; there is a closure element.

I had a very good friend from high school pass away a few years ago. No one knows what happened; no one, none of our mutual friends seemed to be able to find out. At that time he would have been about 42. I still wonder about my friend, what happened to him?

But you don't want to cross a line, become too intrusive, don't want to actually call the family. So you wonder. And now I've got two that I'm going to be wondering about.

You will see, PP. It doesn't feel good.

I guess I can understand the desire to know, but it is very disrespectful and creepy to be researching this in an effort to find out. Either you we close enough that you find through regular channels or it isn't something that you need to know. I would definitely myob. It would make me very, very uneasy that long lost friends were trying to figure out the cause of my spouse's death.

Me either - it's a natural thing to want to know.
I don't find it creepy at all. Now I don't think OP should start calling peopke she doesn't know well, etc to find out, but doing a bit of internet research and feeling a desire to know is normal and natural.

This would not bother me at all.