Sibling Only Vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op given you all see your dad and family frequently, then I don't think it is unreasonable to want some time with just your brother and the kids.

I would just keep reinforcing what you have told them - not this time. Tell them you are on different schedules, have different routines and have different needs and this vacation isn't the time for everyone to be together.

If you and your brother end up deciding to 'cave', is it an option for your dad and co to rent a nearby cottage where you could spend time together during the day but still have your own house and your own routines.

Renting a second house for them is already on the table. My brother and I agreed to sit on the idea for a few days and discuss again later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the grandparents want to spend time with the kids and they are old enough, why not send the grandkids to stay with them during the summer when none of the parents are on vacation. It's great to have some kid free time!

Plus, the grandkids will love it. Just make sure the grandparents are up for taking care of the kids.

I would agree this is a great idea. But with her mom living with them, it's hard. Unfortunately, taking care of her is very similar to taking care of an infant. Since her mom moved in, they no longer babysit my kids. It's just too much for them. I could propose flying the kids down a week early and having them stay with me if the kids schedules permit this. I could take them to my parents every day or my dad could pick them up and do something with them. I'd even be willing to enroll the kids in day camp and go to my parents for dinner each night with them if all day is too much for them.

Ot but how do they take care of her? Do they do it themselves? Or does she have a nurse/aid/companion? Do they take her everywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the grandparents want to spend time with the kids and they are old enough, why not send the grandkids to stay with them during the summer when none of the parents are on vacation. It's great to have some kid free time!

Plus, the grandkids will love it. Just make sure the grandparents are up for taking care of the kids.

I would agree this is a great idea. But with her mom living with them, it's hard. Unfortunately, taking care of her is very similar to taking care of an infant. Since her mom moved in, they no longer babysit my kids. It's just too much for them. I could propose flying the kids down a week early and having them stay with me if the kids schedules permit this. I could take them to my parents every day or my dad could pick them up and do something with them. I'd even be willing to enroll the kids in day camp and go to my parents for dinner each night with them if all day is too much for them.

Ot but how do they take care of her? Do they do it themselves? Or does she have a nurse/aid/companion? Do they take her everywhere?

They do it themselves. Her mom gets very angry if anyone other than her family takes care of her. They take her most places with them. A few months ago they went to Rome fore 3 weeks. They put her in a respite home during this trip. The mom is still angry about that.

[Anonymous]

Can you Skype with them (or just your dad) while on the vacation a couple times, so they can take part a bit without being there?

[Anonymous]

So you and your dad live in dc and brother is flying into dc and then driving?

If so, brother should stay in dc for a night or so to visit with dad and then go to beach.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be mean to exclude your dad but I kind of understand not wanting to take on stepmom and her mom.

Maybe say, "dad, if it was just you, that'd be great, but the reality is having the 100 yr old around is really a challenge and we want to be able to focus on the kids. Maybe the kids could come down a little early and we can do some local outings with them?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is the big deal? So what if they come along?

DH and I would like to go out to dinner alone one night, we've already agreed to swap babysitting duties. The parental units feel that dinner should all be eaten together. My kids are 3 and 6, they still don't get why we eat dinner before 9pm. They are night owls and don't start their day until 2-3pm but everything should be done as a family so we should not go to the beach without them. My step mom is a fantastic gourmet cook. I am a mom with 2 kids. She enjoys making multi course meals. She expects others to do the same in return. If I manage a protein, a vegetable and a starch on a plate, I consider that a success. She starts her meals with an app, a soup, and salad followed by the main course and dessert. Everything is homemade and delicious. She has come right out and told me she does not enjoy store bought food and won't eat it. I just can't cook like she does and yes, they eat like that every night.

The last time we tried this a few years ago it didn't work out well. There were a lot of hurt feelings around expectations that were not communicated. This time my brother and I just wanted a fun, non stressful vacation.

OP, if you want absolution of guilt, I'll give it to you. Go have your great week with your sibling. You've tried a vacation with your dad and stepmom, you know it doesn't work, and now there's her 100 year old mom to consider…nope, hold your ground, tell dad and stepmom that you love them, but you're having some time with your sibling, and you'll see them when you get home.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow, why the multigenerational vacations? Are they foreign? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can take issue with the vocabulary, but what about addressing the sentiment? What has our society come to when elderly grandparents are excluded because...Why? You give no reason other than we "want" to be with "the kids" only. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Ungrateful, ungrateful, ungrateful. What kind of model are you providing for your own children and the nieces/nephews? SMH

No. Grownups realize that not everyone gets included every time. That includes grandparents. You are trying to lock everyone everywhere into having their parents around on every vacation til the parents kick the bucket. That just isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that what is lost is the inter-generational caring and commitment that used to mark human family relationships. There are many people, lots on this board, with toxic parents and relationships characterized by abuse. You don't describe that type of problem. You describe wanting to be a "kid" and have fun time away from your parents while your parents, who are admittedly elderly and may or may not have another year of life left in them, want to impose on your good time.

What is there to be grateful for? How about being grateful for having living parents who are still mentally stable and physically able at 75 years old and having parents that you love and who love you and who love their grandchildren. These are not things to be taken for granted or blown off.

What a lot of treacly sentimental overwrought guilt tripping. You can love someone dearly and still not want them around for EVERY. SINGLE. SPECIAL. OCCASION. EVER. OP also doesn't have to spend every waking moment wondering how she can possibly show how grateful she is to her parents for raising her. Shit. I *chose* to have my kids -- they don't owe me anything for raising them. And I hope to god I don't send them off into the world with the kind of guilt you are trying to shoulder OP with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is the big deal? So what if they come along?

DH and I would like to go out to dinner alone one night, we've already agreed to swap babysitting duties. The parental units feel that dinner should all be eaten together. My kids are 3 and 6, they still don't get why we eat dinner before 9pm. They are night owls and don't start their day until 2-3pm but everything should be done as a family so we should not go to the beach without them. My step mom is a fantastic gourmet cook. I am a mom with 2 kids. She enjoys making multi course meals. She expects others to do the same in return. If I manage a protein, a vegetable and a starch on a plate, I consider that a success. She starts her meals with an app, a soup, and salad followed by the main course and dessert. Everything is homemade and delicious. She has come right out and told me she does not enjoy store bought food and won't eat it. I just can't cook like she does and yes, they eat like that every night.

The last time we tried this a few years ago it didn't work out well. There were a lot of hurt feelings around expectations that were not communicated. This time my brother and I just wanted a fun, non stressful vacation.

OP, stop explaining yourself to the martyrs. You aren't doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again... If we really want to get in to it, we would invite my dad. But it's a package deal with my step mom and now her mother who lives with them. Her mother is downright ornery. I don't blame her. She is over 100, can't see, can't walk, and can't hear. But she thinks she can... So they're is constant yelling in the house. What did you say? I can't hear you. Speak louder. It's a very stressful environment for me to spend time in and would be much of a vacation for anyone. That's why my dad and I go out to lunch a few times a week. There is no way to only invite my dad but not the other two.

OP, read over this paragraph carefully and think about what you have said. It is not about your Dad: it is a package deal. Her mother is very old and not the best company (plus I would be worried about having someone that old at the beach) It is a stressful environment. Then there is the part about your step moms three course meals (however delicious) -- that just keeps you all sitting around the table forever -- not fun for children and more than a bit controlling. You are emphatically NOT describing a vacation which is about the kids, or spending time with the kids, or doing anything that the kids will really enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you and your dad live in dc and brother is flying into dc and then driving?

If so, brother should stay in dc for a night or so to visit with dad and then go to beach.

Agree with this. He should either go up a day later or come back a day early. It's not going to kill them to miss a day at the beach, and it would probably be better for avoiding traffic anyway.

[Anonymous]

Remind them that this is all about the little kids this time. You are working on establishing relationships among the little ones. This trip will be geared toward their interests and schedules and allow you and Brother to spend some needed quality time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Minus the name calling, I agree with the sentiment of the PP. At least I think you should reconsider inviting your dad.

I see my dad 2-3x per week and at least once on the weekend for a family activity with my kids. I see my brother and his family once a yr. My dad and step mom are retired and travel extensively. They visit my brother a few times a yr. For this week, we want it to be just the kids. If our parents found out that my family was flying to NY for a week, they would not ask to be invited. I don't know why renting a house at the beach changes the desire to be included.

How often does he get to see all his grandkids together?
That's probably the driving factor.