Anyone think the stress of working isn't worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have kids yet, but work full time, am pregnant and in my third trimester currently. We have no family in the area to help so once the baby is born I will be looking into a nanny if I go back to work. But I just don't know if it is worth it. Currently, I love my field and like my job but I dread Mondays, often feel annoyed and stressed during the workday, and feel a huge time crunch to get all my chores and errands done on the weekends (too tired after work to do anything). This makes my weekends stressed and non-relaxing.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my 6-week-old (my first) after a difficult third trimester, so I say this with sympathy and respect: you do not need to make this decision now, and this is not a good time to make this decision. You are tired and easily annoyed and the daily grind seems overwhelming. It may be that after the baby arrives you feel differently about working ... or not. You may find you like DH's staycations, or not. But you can decide later. If you quit now and it turns out this was all hormones and extra weight talking, you may be SOL in a tough economy when -- if you'd just postponed the decision a while -- you could have still had a job you liked in a field you loved.

So make plans to return to work after your maternity leave. You can always change your mind and give notice while you are on leave. Or you can go back to work for a couple weeks and, if you still hate it, quit then. But there is no reason to limit your options right now.

Good luck!

This is the best advice I have seen so far! Follow it.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so totally lame, I know, but I am copying my post from a smilar thread (think it might be the same OP), since it probably applies more here than it does in the other thread.

You know, I was reading The article in The Atlantic about gays, marriage, and gender roles this weekend, and there is a part in it that just really resonated.

There are still issues (power struggles, authority, and diminishment), but in gay male marriages, about 33% of couples have one partner who stays home, compared to 32% in hetero marriages.

Yet the accusation of being a mooch is never leveled at these guys the way it is at women. They are embracing, with some waves, the idea of "specialization," and it overall seems to be working.

Major point in the article for me (without the problem of traditional gender roles): "Now the example of gay and lesbian parents might give us all permission to relax a little:maybe sometimes it really is easier when one parent works and the other is the supplementary or nonearning partner, either because this is the natural order of things or because the American workplace is so greedy and unforgiving that something or somebody has to give"
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/0...-guide-to-wedded-bliss/309317/

So basically, as a working mom here, may I suggest we step back from the SAHM bashing and mooching rhetoric and think about this issue a little more logically and look at what works for each family.

OP--absolutely stay home if it works, go back to work when it doesn't. It won't be easy to re-enter, so do what you can to stay current in your field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM. I gave up my dream career because it involved too much travel.

I am happy being a SAHM, but it makes you financially vulnerable. Therefore, I think that an essential part of making that decision depends on what type of guy you married.

For instance, my DH is a hard worker, and in a secure field where he's not going to be laid off. He's not into a particularly expensive lifestyle and doesn't need the latest new guy-toy. He's not the cheating type either (as far as I can tell).

I also saved a bit and we have some money for any unforseen event.

Being a SAHM is a bit of an exercise in humility. My boss laughed at me and asked what I did all day. My stockbroker told me I was "wasting my brain." My former colleagues look at me as if I'm the bulb on the Christmas tree string of lights that sputtered out. It's all ok; I'm fine with my decision but just mentioning that you will get a little of that.

I was extremely ambitious before I quit. I worked myself through law school, was a hard-core career woman, very ego-involved in my career, and someone who never envisioned having kids. DH convinced me to have kids and I said, "ok, but just one," (LOL and now we have two).

It was a transition. I always remember that my DH was attracted to me when I was a woman who his educational, career, and financial equal and was very independent and flying all over the place and had great stories---and now he has a SAH dependent. So I try and cut him some slack for that when I'm annoyed because I feel like I'm a servant always picking up after everybody. I also try to give him time to have some fun (for him this means playing computer games), and time for us to have fun together.

For me, being a SAHM has been mostly a positive experience. I can be anxious and my work was anxiety-producing, so this is a better fit for me. (When I worked, I used to start getting anxious on Sunday around 1pm)

Re the respect angle: I work really hard and long--it never seems to end! and my DH has evolved in that now he really does see our house a bit like the oasis after a long day (read: hotel and guess who's the maid?)

I used to get really mad about that. I also used to have a honey-do list for when he got home. Then I heard someone on the radio who said, "you have to make him WANT to come home," and that was like an epiphany. No more honey-do list, no getting upset that he's a slob. God knows those expensively-clad much-younger lawyers in his office aren't giving him chores to do. He's adorable and if being a slob is his only vice I'm damn lucky.

Therefore, I not infusing his messy behavior with a negative symbolic meaning (lack of respect). He wants to come home; he loves coming home, to me and to unwind. It may indeed be a lack of respect, but I'm going with the nicer interpretation.

As for the kids, it's better for us because (in my situation, as a SAHM) I'm there for them more often. In general, I don't believe one can manufacture quality moments (where things happen that you can use as a teachable moment). I think it's unpredictable when the quality moment happens. If you are there when it happens, you can make it a teachable moment. Since it's unpredictable, if you are around more (quantity), you catch more of those quality-moment opportunities. For my situation, the only way to be with the kids for any good quantity of time was to be a SAHM.

Nice post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have kids yet, but work full time, am pregnant and in my third trimester currently. We have no family in the area to help so once the baby is born I will be looking into a nanny if I go back to work. But I just don't know if it is worth it. Currently, I love my field and like my job but I dread Mondays, often feel annoyed and stressed during the workday, and feel a huge time crunch to get all my chores and errands done on the weekends (too tired after work to do anything). This makes my weekends stressed and non-relaxing.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my 6-week-old (my first) after a difficult third trimester, so I say this with sympathy and respect: you do not need to make this decision now, and this is not a good time to make this decision. You are tired and easily annoyed and the daily grind seems overwhelming. It may be that after the baby arrives you feel differently about working ... or not. You may find you like DH's staycations, or not. But you can decide later. If you quit now and it turns out this was all hormones and extra weight talking, you may be SOL in a tough economy when -- if you'd just postponed the decision a while -- you could have still had a job you liked in a field you loved.

So make plans to return to work after your maternity leave. You can always change your mind and give notice while you are on leave. Or you can go back to work for a couple weeks and, if you still hate it, quit then. But there is no reason to limit your options right now.

Good luck!

This is the best advice I have seen so far! Follow it.

OP here. This is good advice, but I actually thought about quitting even before I got pregnant, and just being a stay at home wife. Working has always annoyed me, and I've always felt stressed and exhausted by working full-time, and I just don't know if it's worth it to feel so stressed and have to rush during my weekends to get everything done.

I used to be career driven in my 20s but then it just stopped being as important in my 30s. I enjoy my field and like what I do but I value my free time and not being stressed more.

If I made more money and had more vacation time I would feel very differently about working. But it just doesn't seem worth it given my low paying job and lack of vacation time.

I make very little (50K) working full-time and we would basically be paying a nanny close to my hourly wage so I'm just not sure it makes sense for me to not stay at home.

[Anonymous]

I wholeheartedly agree with the advice to hold off on making this decision. It's all well and good that you find work annoying, OP (most of us do!), but until you see what it's like to be home 24/7 with a baby you really don't know if being a stay at home mom is going to be the right fit. It is not at ALL the same as being a stay at home wife with no kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Many people feel this way, OP, yet they still go to work. Most of them do this because doing what you are thinking of doing is short sighted and irresponsible. You're counting on a luxury that is very precarious, especially in this economy. So many things could happen...your husband could lose his job or become disabled. Sadly, marriages end, for a lot of unforeseen reasons. It isn't so easy to just get another job if you have been out of the workforce for awhile. PPs who think differently have not been job searching lately. Being a responsible adult means being able to support yourself and it just isn't smart to leave that to chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fantasize about staying at home sometimes. I kind of hope it is in my future. But, given my career, it is pretty likely that it may never happen.

Just as well, I suppose. I also like having a career. My older sister stayed at home and was an amazing mom, but suffered terribly when the kids left and now, at 50, has no way to support herself and her husband lost all their money. She is always on my to keep working.

Guess we will see how it all works out.

Your sister relies on her husband to keep working? How did he lose their savings?
Hopefully she will find something, anything for some income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will lose respect for you, no matter what he claims.

totally not true! A good man will always have respect for a woman who is worth getting respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Many people feel this way, OP, yet they still go to work. Most of them do this because doing what you are thinking of doing is short sighted and irresponsible. You're counting on a luxury that is very precarious, especially in this economy. So many things could happen...your husband could lose his job or become disabled. Sadly, marriages end, for a lot of unforeseen reasons. It isn't so easy to just get another job if you have been out of the workforce for awhile. PPs who think differently have not been job searching lately. Being a responsible adult means being able to support yourself and it just isn't smart to leave that to chance.

+1

[Anonymous]

It's not worth it at all because of the hours, traffic, and dealing with jerk bosses. I wish I could find a job with six figures and work 10am to 2pm, lol.

I want to be a SAHM on my next child, but it is risky in this economy. Not to mention some men do flip the script when they are the moneymaker in the household. My dad did this to my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Go for it!

[Anonymous]

I loved being SAHM. With commuting times I found that it was 6:30AM to 7PM. I just did not love my job that much.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP whose advice was to wait. Even if you would have become a stay-at-home-wife before getting pregnant, and even if you can picture yourself being a stay-at-home-mom once baby comes, just let it ride and see how you feel in another few months.

I have a 14 month old. When I took maternity leave I tried to keep an open mind on all sides - I intended to go back to work after about 8 months on leave, but also considered staying home. Staying home definitely had/has it's benefits, and my husband earns plenty enough to support our family without my (relatively moderate) income, but let me tell you: I love my child dearly and by 8 months I was SOO ready to get back into the workforce.

For me it was a combination of things including needing more adult/intellectual stimulation, earning my own money again (in spite of feeling free to use DHs earnings) and having that independence, and simply getting a break from my child. He (DS) and I are both better off, at least right now, when we have some time apart and he gets mommy-free interaction and I get DS-free interaction.

All that said, my current job is turning a bit sour and wouldn't you know if but that combined with the cost of day care I've been considering staying home again. It is alluring when you feel that your work is crappy. The "grass is always greener" adage has stuck around for a reason!

What about looking into part-time work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Many people feel this way, OP, yet they still go to work. Most of them do this because doing what you are thinking of doing is short sighted and irresponsible. You're counting on a luxury that is very precarious, especially in this economy. So many things could happen...your husband could lose his job or become disabled. Sadly, marriages end, for a lot of unforeseen reasons. It isn't so easy to just get another job if you have been out of the workforce for awhile. PPs who think differently have not been job searching lately. Being a responsible adult means being able to support yourself and it just isn't smart to leave that to chance.

For us it was a well thought out, responsible decision that was a sacrifice not a luxury. Your perspective on SAH makes it sound to you like it is irresponsible, and short sighted but for us and many of our friends, it was a well thought out decision, SAH is not irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Many people feel this way, OP, yet they still go to work. Most of them do this because doing what you are thinking of doing is short sighted and irresponsible. You're counting on a luxury that is very precarious, especially in this economy. So many things could happen...your husband could lose his job or become disabled. Sadly, marriages end, for a lot of unforeseen reasons. It isn't so easy to just get another job if you have been out of the workforce for awhile. PPs who think differently have not been job searching lately. Being a responsible adult means being able to support yourself and it just isn't smart to leave that to chance.

For us it was a well thought out, responsible decision that was a sacrifice not a luxury. Your perspective on SAH makes it sound to you like it is irresponsible, and short sighted but for us and many of our friends, it was a well thought out decision, SAH is not irresponsible.

I see your point, but it sounds like OP is more interested in SAH generally than she is in being a SAHM. She just doesn't like working, period. Kids or no kids, she finds working stressful and would rather be at home.

I don't have any sympathy for that approach. Most of us find working stressful, but we do it because we are grownups and need to be responsible for ourselves.