Do you rein in the spender in your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

Spendthrift means the opposite of what you think it means.

Op - ha you are right! Probably right word is cheap. I hate spending money.

PP, it's not terribly relevant to this thread, but FYI the word you are looking for is "tightwad".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's $800k HHI, and >400k after taxes...

I'd focus on your goals instead of individual expenses. What are you saving for? Education? Retirement? House or car? Agree on the goals and the time horizon with your partner and if you're not meeting the goals talk about that. Don't bring up individual expenses unless they're very large (like >250).

At that much money a categorized budget is too abstract without agreed goals and targets, you're way beyond needing to care about eating out unless you're hitting up Michelin star places on the reg.

Once you agree on goals then set up automatic investments out of the cash accounts. The cash is fair game, your goals all become automatic.

Agree with this. Focus on your goals, get that on auto pilot, and let him do what he wants otherwise. If you can meet your goals, why does it matter if he wastes some money? It doesn’t.

I’m assuming it takes significant time/effort to make 650k. I agree with the other poster that you may lose him if you keep nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the spender is also the main breadwinner in the family? Do you give them a budget of how much they can spend each month on extraneous items?

Our salary difference is extreme - DH makes $650,000 and I make $150,000. But DH is the spender of the two of us and I do our budget. I feel bad when I tell him to spend less because I know he works a lot and deserves to reap the benefits of his hard work. But I also have a budget and financial goals for us that we need to meet each year so think it’s silly to spend money on things like a new grill, workout equipment, sports events, etc.

We make more, but our salaries are about equal. My spouse doesn’t spend more or may only spend slightly more, but he spends differently and he views money differently. I view money first and foremost as security. He views money first and foremost as allowing him to meets his wants and needs. I have found that our disagreements about money stem from the fact that we view money differently.

OP- you may benefit from trying to understand if there is a similar situation at play with you and your spouse and if that may be influencing your view of his spending on a new grill as frivolous. You may also feel less anxious about your financial situation if you sit down with an accountant to discuss the basics of your financial situation and goals. It’s unclear to me if what your husband wants to spend on is unreasonable because you haven’t provided any figures and we don’t know your NW and what of that amount is liquid and we don’t know how much your husband wants to spend annually or if these purchases (equipment, grill) will be used for 10+ years or for one year and with the gym equipment, of it’s replacing a gym membership.

[Anonymous]

We are both frugal but I have to prevent dh from being foolishly frugal, like putting off regular maintenance or an important repair on the car, picking a slightly cheaper flight with connections which might end up costing more or being annoying if there are delays...

[Anonymous]

Op, we have a mid-seven figures HHI, all brought in by my DH and I am constantly giving him a hard time about watching our budget.

The thing is, DH and I sit down together at the beginning of the year and set savings goals for ourselves. We also set a general budget. It’s generous (we spend about $30k per month including our mortgage, not including income taxes or private school tuition) and then I expect us to stick to it.

We can afford to spend more than our budget, but what’s the point in making a budget if we aren’t going to follow it? I don’t mind if we overspend by $1-2K during a month, but there is no reason we should regularly be overspending that much each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, we have a mid-seven figures HHI, all brought in by my DH and I am constantly giving him a hard time about watching our budget.

The thing is, DH and I sit down together at the beginning of the year and set savings goals for ourselves. We also set a general budget. It’s generous (we spend about $30k per month including our mortgage, not including income taxes or private school tuition) and then I expect us to stick to it.

We can afford to spend more than our budget, but what’s the point in making a budget if we aren’t going to follow it? I don’t mind if we overspend by $1-2K during a month, but there is no reason we should regularly be overspending that much each month.

This doesn’t sound like a monthly spending issue (maybe the sports events?) but rather large-ish purchases. However, the OP and her spouse could try to amortize the grill and gym equipment purchase over the next 8 years and the sporting events (if something like season tickets) over the course of a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, we have a mid-seven figures HHI, all brought in by my DH and I am constantly giving him a hard time about watching our budget.

The thing is, DH and I sit down together at the beginning of the year and set savings goals for ourselves. We also set a general budget. It’s generous (we spend about $30k per month including our mortgage, not including income taxes or private school tuition) and then I expect us to stick to it.

We can afford to spend more than our budget, but what’s the point in making a budget if we aren’t going to follow it? I don’t mind if we overspend by $1-2K during a month, but there is no reason we should regularly be overspending that much each month.

This doesn’t sound like a monthly spending issue (maybe the sports events?) but rather large-ish purchases. However, the OP and her spouse could try to amortize the grill and gym equipment purchase over the next 8 years and the sporting events (if something like season tickets) over the course of a year.

Is he paying for these things from your checking account or a credit card? If he's good about not putting things on a credit card, the easy solution is to set up automatic investments in retirement accounts, college savings, and a brokerage account, and the rest is available to spend, provided there is money in the account. If needed, you could add automatic investments into sub savings accounts for upcoming expenses like vacations, cars, home repairs, etc. I find it's the best way to rein in an overspender because you're not telling them "no," just that they can only spend it if there's enough cash in the checking account. However, if he finances these things on credit cards, you can do very little to rein him in within your marriage, short of working it out through good communication and possibly third-party help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH makes $650,000 let him spend what he wants or he will find someone who will. You are obnoxious.

No, you work together to developed budget that supports you goals--current and future. And you each get an allowance of "free money" to spend however you want. Just because he makes more does not mean he gets to waste $$ the family needs to save for college or retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make about the same— I make a little more, HHI is $500.

I am the budgeter, and have shown husband how we are on track to pay off our 30 year mortgage 15 years early if we keep our spending in check. That’s a very tangible goal.

We also sometimes talk about shorter term goals, spending splurges or vacation funds.

I do not police him, but I do the grocery shopping and meal planning even though he is the cook because he isn’t good at shopping on a budget. He has seen how much quicker our mortgage balance drops when we aren’t eating out as much, and that was the biggest budget lifestyle change for us.

Otherwise, if there’s a large purchase (car), I set the general guidelines and we make a decision together. For medium things (new tech, anything >$1000) we discuss together.

Why are you in such a rush to pay off your mortgage? What is the interest rate? That is often a foolish decision to take.

6%, which feels painful after our condo was 3%. I hate paying interest, it’s a tremendous savings to knock it off sooner and as someone who didn’t grow up with wealth, I think I’m more debt/risk averse than others.

We max our retirement account contributions and have solid emergency savings + kids tuitions taken care of first. The thought of not having that bill every month by the time our kids are in HS is hugely motivating to us.

DH gains access to a substantial trust at 55, and there are separate trusts for the kids. I’d rather take care of ourselves and use that $$$ for the kids or emergencies, but knowing it’s there does make me favor paying off debts more.

[Anonymous]

^ meant to say $$ for kids future college tuitions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH makes $650,000 let him spend what he wants or he will find someone who will. You are obnoxious.

NP: You are obnoxious.

It doesn't matter how much you earn: if you overspend, you will face a financial crisis. What if he was gambling or buying a garage full of fancy cars they don't drive while not investing in retirement? What if his spending involves running up credit card debt that exceeds his high income? "Let him spend what he wants" is only a good plan if he is financially savvy and wants to stick to the budget with his spending.

How about a couple works together to develop the family savings goal and both stick to the plan?

It sounds like OP has a financial goal her husband hasn't agreed to; and it sounds like he is spending in a manner that OP sees as jeopardizing the family's future finances and their retirement plan. They need to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

A day in the life.
OP's DH tries cooking Saturday night dinner for family and DD friend on the Dollar Store Hibachi that is all he was allowed to buy.
Dinner is raw in middle, has to be microwaved.
Everybody has haid and clothing reeking of lighter fluid smoke and charred meat, fat drippings.
DD friend leaves early.
DH and DD move to hotel. Serve OP with papers.

[Anonymous]

I recommend listening to the podcast Money for Couples with Ramit Sethi. Both over and under-spending can be issues in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make about the same— I make a little more, HHI is $500.

I am the budgeter, and have shown husband how we are on track to pay off our 30 year mortgage 15 years early if we keep our spending in check. That’s a very tangible goal.

We also sometimes talk about shorter term goals, spending splurges or vacation funds.

I do not police him, but I do the grocery shopping and meal planning even though he is the cook because he isn’t good at shopping on a budget. He has seen how much quicker our mortgage balance drops when we aren’t eating out as much, and that was the biggest budget lifestyle change for us.

Otherwise, if there’s a large purchase (car), I set the general guidelines and we make a decision together. For medium things (new tech, anything >$1000) we discuss together.

Why are you in such a rush to pay off your mortgage? What is the interest rate? That is often a foolish decision to take.

6%, which feels painful after our condo was 3%. I hate paying interest, it’s a tremendous savings to knock it off sooner and as someone who didn’t grow up with wealth, I think I’m more debt/risk averse than others.

We max our retirement account contributions and have solid emergency savings + kids tuitions taken care of first. The thought of not having that bill every month by the time our kids are in HS is hugely motivating to us.

DH gains access to a substantial trust at 55, and there are separate trusts for the kids. I’d rather take care of ourselves and use that $$$ for the kids or emergencies, but knowing it’s there does make me favor paying off debts more.

This all makes sense now. There's a significant power imbalance stemming from his family's wealth. He isn't worried because he and the kids are financially secure through his family's money—but OP is not (spouses never are). Hence, he's a spender and she's a saver.

If I were OP, I would save 100% of my salary and tell my husband that, since he earns $650k and has a large trust fund in his future, he should cover all family expenses, including the house and kids' expenses. He can spend whatever remains after that. This isn't simply a matter of figuring out a family budget. Everyone in this family, except OP, is financially set for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the spender is also the main breadwinner in the family? Do you give them a budget of how much they can spend each month on extraneous items?

Our salary difference is extreme - DH makes $650,000 and I make $150,000. But DH is the spender of the two of us and I do our budget. I feel bad when I tell him to spend less because I know he works a lot and deserves to reap the benefits of his hard work. But I also have a budget and financial goals for us that we need to meet each year so think it’s silly to spend money on things like a new grill, workout equipment, sports events, etc.

You can't possibly be for real. Workout equipment? Sports events? 800K household income?