Just dropped off DS and it hurts so bad

[Anonymous]

I'm sad but didn't cry. I think this is large part because I've been pre-grieving for a good 18 months--very conscious of how quickly time was going and how many events were the last.

Also, the kid I just dropped off made it really difficult for us the past 2 months. She is awesome and capable and funny and smart but woah, she was not easy to live with for the months of July and August. A weird mix of anxiety, anger (sometimes rage), and know-it-all-ness. I had really reached the end of my rope. I'm a really hands-on parent and I've loved being a parent but I was pushed to my limit. To be honest, it felt almost like sending her to inpatient therapy or the hospital---like she medically she NEEDED to go and fly and transition to the next step. She's an older teen (19 in Sept) and I think this contributed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, develop a mantra. And anytime a sad thought about it creeps in, replace it with your (positive) mantra. A few sentences. Use them consistently. Make it an automatic counter-response.

Such as, "he's doing important work and is making new friends."

or she could just feel her feelings and ignore people who think we should all be robots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat op.

I guess my tears are from knowing things arent really ever going to be the same anymore - the daily dynamics, comings& goings, routine, spontaneous reputoire, etc.

I liked our status quo.

Same. I am not at all “sad” that DS is successfully launching and happy. I feel _loss_ at his absence and the end of an era that I really really really liked.

I acknowledge that there is no correct way to feel here, but I have to say that I do not get at all the people who are SO excited that their children are gone from their day to day lives. (“So thrilled to be empty nesters now!”). (“Really enjoying this empty nest time!”) It’s not as if they couldn’t read a book in peace or take an adults only weekend or dinner or tango class when the kid was, say, a 16 year old junior. So it really does sound like these “Yassss! I’m alone!” people are genuinely thrilled not to be seeing the teens on the regular.

Which is foreign to me - not right or wrong

I have a rising senior and I feel a touch sad thinking about next year.

But I can understand the everyday joy in empty nesting too. My schedule and daily focus revolves around my children -and I’m the breadwinner. Their every days issues still take a part of my brain. I stop work to check in the evening t and make/eat dinner with them - not at a natural stop point for work. I schedule work travel to coincide with that they are doing. We plan vacations they might like that corresponds to the school year. (Weekends away depend on kids to be sure - everyone thinks their kid won’t throw the party). So sure I can go dinner or tango class, I’m looking forward to flying somewhere fun on a Tuesday in October.

+1

I feel like the people who doesn’t understand the degree of freedom that comes with empty nesting probably had a great village while they were parenting. And maybe took it for granted/don’t realize not everyone has that.

Very interesting post. I do have a great village and am grateful for it. Both sets of (loving) grandparents within an hour drive.

I enjoy daily life with my kids. I enjoy doing things for them and with them. We can talk for hours and it’s just awesome. Yes, life will go on without them but it won’t be as compelling. I guess this is why some get pets- to have a living being to care for. I won’t get a pet. I do have a professional career that I love - maybe that in part makes me feel sadder. I haven’t spent 24/7 with my kids and my life hasn’t been all about them. I don’t feel this sense of “freedom” others mention. I feel happy for the kids but sad for me. Maybe this is why people push for grandkids. Lol.

[Anonymous]

I had the same experience. Sat in my DD's bedroom after she left, looked at all the stuff from her childhood, all the memories and broke down.

Well, don't go in there!! Really. Most of us know not to go in there -- for weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sad but didn't cry. I think this is large part because I've been pre-grieving for a good 18 months--very conscious of how quickly time was going and how many events were the last.

Also, the kid I just dropped off made it really difficult for us the past 2 months. She is awesome and capable and funny and smart but woah, she was not easy to live with for the months of July and August. A weird mix of anxiety, anger (sometimes rage), and know-it-all-ness. I had really reached the end of my rope. I'm a really hands-on parent and I've loved being a parent but I was pushed to my limit. To be honest, it felt almost like sending her to inpatient therapy or the hospital---like she medically she NEEDED to go and fly and transition to the next step. She's an older teen (19 in Sept) and I think this contributed.

"Soiling the nest" is REAL. This was my DD last summer - by the time we dropped her off it was so bad. This summer before her sophomore year she was a joy again and we had a great relationship. Enjoy the break from each other and let is play out, for both of you.

[Anonymous]

I was on the Notre Dame campus today with DS who is going into 7th grade. It was for something completely unrelated to college, but it happened to be freshman moving in time. While we were walking to the parking lot there was a couple and their DS in front of us. I watched him hug them goodbye and walk away. I then watched the couple, who were clearly comforting each other holding hands, walk the other direction while the mom turned around 4 different times, each time she turned back to the dad crying harder. Complete strangers made me start crying while walking next to DS and thinking about how quickly it will come.

[Anonymous]

Struggling here. Managed to keep it together at the goodbye but coming home to the empty house has been hard.

[Anonymous]

Get a grip, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat op.

I guess my tears are from knowing things arent really ever going to be the same anymore - the daily dynamics, comings& goings, routine, spontaneous reputoire, etc.

I liked our status quo.

Same. I am not at all “sad” that DS is successfully launching and happy. I feel _loss_ at his absence and the end of an era that I really really really liked.

I acknowledge that there is no correct way to feel here, but I have to say that I do not get at all the people who are SO excited that their children are gone from their day to day lives. (“So thrilled to be empty nesters now!”). (“Really enjoying this empty nest time!”) It’s not as if they couldn’t read a book in peace or take an adults only weekend or dinner or tango class when the kid was, say, a 16 year old junior. So it really does sound like these “Yassss! I’m alone!” people are genuinely thrilled not to be seeing the teens on the regular.

Which is foreign to me - not right or wrong

I have a rising senior and I feel a touch sad thinking about next year.

But I can understand the everyday joy in empty nesting too. My schedule and daily focus revolves around my children -and I’m the breadwinner. Their every days issues still take a part of my brain. I stop work to check in the evening t and make/eat dinner with them - not at a natural stop point for work. I schedule work travel to coincide with that they are doing. We plan vacations they might like that corresponds to the school year. (Weekends away depend on kids to be sure - everyone thinks their kid won’t throw the party). So sure I can go dinner or tango class, I’m looking forward to flying somewhere fun on a Tuesday in October.

+1

I feel like the people who doesn’t understand the degree of freedom that comes with empty nesting probably had a great village while they were parenting. And maybe took it for granted/don’t realize not everyone has that.

Very interesting post. I do have a great village and am grateful for it. Both sets of (loving) grandparents within an hour drive.

I enjoy daily life with my kids. I enjoy doing things for them and with them. We can talk for hours and it’s just awesome. Yes, life will go on without them but it won’t be as compelling. I guess this is why some get pets- to have a living being to care for. I won’t get a pet. I do have a professional career that I love - maybe that in part makes me feel sadder. I haven’t spent 24/7 with my kids and my life hasn’t been all about them. I don’t feel this sense of “freedom” others mention. I feel happy for the kids but sad for me. Maybe this is why people push for grandkids. Lol.

I wrote the post above the one you are responding to. I will be 54 year when my last child leaves. And I suppose I’m just not willing to concede in advance that the decades ahead won’t be as compelling, as you said, as the two decades before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a grip, people.

Thanks! This is so helpful!

[Anonymous]

I always thought this 2013 column in The Washington Post by Michael Gerson, a former speechwriter for George W. Bush, captured this “letting go” period well. Gerson died 9 years later at 58, of kidney cancer.


This should be a gift link:

Michael Gerson: Saying goodbye to my child, the youngster

https://wapo.st/41jOepR

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t super sad sending our youngest DS off last year. It was a rough year and he was pretty much ready to leave 8 months earlier. He’s been home this summer and is like a new person. We’ve had so much fun. I’m sad thinking about him going back.