Kinda Dumb But Kinda Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is out west helping his wife move their father from her childhood home into a nursing home. She is also collecting her HS memorabilia that has been sitting there for 25 years. She found a photo album with the usual pics of prom, homecoming, beach week, etc.

There are, according to him, about 25 pictures of her with different guys. He jokingly asked if she'd slept with all of them. She got angry at the question but eventually admitted she had.

They have been married for 13 years and both shared their 'numbers' but he now realizes this is a complete lie. He is quite upset, really not so much about the number, but more that she's been lying for years and years. He feels like he doesn't really know here now.

Why would she lie about sex from HS?

Honestly, if my brother asked me this, I would ask him if he was upset about the lie or upset about the number. Either way my brother answers, I’d still tell him he’s sexist. The whole conversation about numbers is sexist - women are judged for their number in a way that a man would not be. Your brother feels like it is his role to investigate and question his wife about her sexual history that happened a decade before your brother met and married her - that is bananas sexist and controlling. Who his wife slept with prior to him is actually none of his business. If he was worried about STDs, then the thing to do is get tested and negotiate monogamy. If he was worried about sexual fidelity, then the thing to do is talk about that and negotiate it explicitly, not guess whether fidelity will won’t happen because of past sexual history.

The conversation about numbers also doesn’t include any thought to the ways in which women are taught about their sexuality by the culture - ways that encourage them to sleep with men (gatekeeping sex and childbirth are still a woman’s main power even in these modern times) or ways in which they are sexually abused which encourages a cycle of sleeping with people to soothe or act out abuse, and then there’s the whole aspect of figuring out your sexuality and what you do and don’t like in people.

Honestly, if a guy asked me for my number, I would dump him. Your brother is lucky she didn’t do that to him.

Dumping him for asking the question is of course principled, and I respect your view there; lying instead is not. You don’t get to decide what other people should and should not care about in selecting a spouse, and if she knew the information was material to his decision and she lied anyway, that’s an act of profoundly low character. This idea that there are certain things that are “none of your business” in selecting a spouse seems entirely indefensible to me, when considering making a lifetime commitment to someone it is reasonable to be interested in basically everything about that person, and if you want someone to commit to you for a lifetime, you should be willing to be honest. It should not be a high-stakes poker game where you conceal information to get the result you want.

Even “that’s none of your business” is fine. That makes everyone’s boundaries clear, and everyone gets to make decisions both based on the fact that the question was asked (and what that says about the asker) and the answer that was given.

Choosing to answer and intentionally lying in an effort to deceive someone to whom you are making lifelong promises purportedly on a foundation of trust is something else entirely.

It doesn’t even have to be such a stark “none of your business.” One could say “I’m uncomfortable talking about that.” And, to be clear, I’m not saying that getting super granular about these issues is a necessary or healthy thing to do, but getting a general sense of one’s partner’s sexual past is a reasonable thing to want to do when settling down, and if someone is materially deceptive about it that’s not cool. There’s nuance. Obviously I think we can all agree that claiming to be a virgin when your body count is 200 is materially deceptive; saying it’s high single digits when actually it’s low teens does not seem to me materially deceptive; but if—as I read OPs post—you imply the number is like three when it’s actually like 25, I do think that’s not fair to your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is out west helping his wife move their father from her childhood home into a nursing home. She is also collecting her HS memorabilia that has been sitting there for 25 years. She found a photo album with the usual pics of prom, homecoming, beach week, etc.

There are, according to him, about 25 pictures of her with different guys. He jokingly asked if she'd slept with all of them. She got angry at the question but eventually admitted she had.

They have been married for 13 years and both shared their 'numbers' but he now realizes this is a complete lie. He is quite upset, really not so much about the number, but more that she's been lying for years and years. He feels like he doesn't really know here now.

Why would she lie about sex from HS?

Honestly, if my brother asked me this, I would ask him if he was upset about the lie or upset about the number. Either way my brother answers, I’d still tell him he’s sexist. The whole conversation about numbers is sexist - women are judged for their number in a way that a man would not be. Your brother feels like it is his role to investigate and question his wife about her sexual history that happened a decade before your brother met and married her - that is bananas sexist and controlling. Who his wife slept with prior to him is actually none of his business. If he was worried about STDs, then the thing to do is get tested and negotiate monogamy. If he was worried about sexual fidelity, then the thing to do is talk about that and negotiate it explicitly, not guess whether fidelity will won’t happen because of past sexual history.

The conversation about numbers also doesn’t include any thought to the ways in which women are taught about their sexuality by the culture - ways that encourage them to sleep with men (gatekeeping sex and childbirth are still a woman’s main power even in these modern times) or ways in which they are sexually abused which encourages a cycle of sleeping with people to soothe or act out abuse, and then there’s the whole aspect of figuring out your sexuality and what you do and don’t like in people.

Honestly, if a guy asked me for my number, I would dump him. Your brother is lucky she didn’t do that to him.

Dumping him for asking the question is of course principled, and I respect your view there; lying instead is not. You don’t get to decide what other people should and should not care about in selecting a spouse, and if she knew the information was material to his decision and she lied anyway, that’s an act of profoundly low character. This idea that there are certain things that are “none of your business” in selecting a spouse seems entirely indefensible to me, when considering making a lifetime commitment to someone it is reasonable to be interested in basically everything about that person, and if you want someone to commit to you for a lifetime, you should be willing to be honest. It should not be a high-stakes poker game where you conceal information to get the result you want.

Even “that’s none of your business” is fine. That makes everyone’s boundaries clear, and everyone gets to make decisions both based on the fact that the question was asked (and what that says about the asker) and the answer that was given.

Choosing to answer and intentionally lying in an effort to deceive someone to whom you are making lifelong promises purportedly on a foundation of trust is something else entirely.

Of course it is. But some rando slut with a chip on her shoulder wants to claim it isn't. Imagine a thread about a women discovering the man she married had lied about wanting or having kids. Same thing. The b**ch lied about something important to him.

awwwwww poor baby. Maybe you should work on that hatred for women a little bit. I bet it will do wonders for your sex life if you're just not a POS.

LOL. I hurt your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

[Anonymous]

It's strange that he would share this with you, but whatever. Tell him it's not important and to get over himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is out west helping his wife move their father from her childhood home into a nursing home. She is also collecting her HS memorabilia that has been sitting there for 25 years. She found a photo album with the usual pics of prom, homecoming, beach week, etc.

There are, according to him, about 25 pictures of her with different guys. He jokingly asked if she'd slept with all of them. She got angry at the question but eventually admitted she had.

They have been married for 13 years and both shared their 'numbers' but he now realizes this is a complete lie. He is quite upset, really not so much about the number, but more that she's been lying for years and years. He feels like he doesn't really know here now.

Why would she lie about sex from HS?

Honestly, if my brother asked me this, I would ask him if he was upset about the lie or upset about the number. Either way my brother answers, I’d still tell him he’s sexist. The whole conversation about numbers is sexist - women are judged for their number in a way that a man would not be. Your brother feels like it is his role to investigate and question his wife about her sexual history that happened a decade before your brother met and married her - that is bananas sexist and controlling. Who his wife slept with prior to him is actually none of his business. If he was worried about STDs, then the thing to do is get tested and negotiate monogamy. If he was worried about sexual fidelity, then the thing to do is talk about that and negotiate it explicitly, not guess whether fidelity will won’t happen because of past sexual history.

The conversation about numbers also doesn’t include any thought to the ways in which women are taught about their sexuality by the culture - ways that encourage them to sleep with men (gatekeeping sex and childbirth are still a woman’s main power even in these modern times) or ways in which they are sexually abused which encourages a cycle of sleeping with people to soothe or act out abuse, and then there’s the whole aspect of figuring out your sexuality and what you do and don’t like in people.

Honestly, if a guy asked me for my number, I would dump him. Your brother is lucky she didn’t do that to him.

Dumping him for asking the question is of course principled, and I respect your view there; lying instead is not. You don’t get to decide what other people should and should not care about in selecting a spouse, and if she knew the information was material to his decision and she lied anyway, that’s an act of profoundly low character. This idea that there are certain things that are “none of your business” in selecting a spouse seems entirely indefensible to me, when considering making a lifetime commitment to someone it is reasonable to be interested in basically everything about that person, and if you want someone to commit to you for a lifetime, you should be willing to be honest. It should not be a high-stakes poker game where you conceal information to get the result you want.

Even “that’s none of your business” is fine. That makes everyone’s boundaries clear, and everyone gets to make decisions both based on the fact that the question was asked (and what that says about the asker) and the answer that was given.

Choosing to answer and intentionally lying in an effort to deceive someone to whom you are making lifelong promises purportedly on a foundation of trust is something else entirely.

Of course it is. But some rando slut with a chip on her shoulder wants to claim it isn't. Imagine a thread about a women discovering the man she married had lied about wanting or having kids. Same thing. The b**ch lied about something important to him.

awwwwww poor baby. Maybe you should work on that hatred for women a little bit. I bet it will do wonders for your sex life if you're just not a POS.

LOL. I hurt your feelings.

I can't tell you how much you DIDN'T hurt my feelings. I'm laughing at you, loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is out west helping his wife move their father from her childhood home into a nursing home. She is also collecting her HS memorabilia that has been sitting there for 25 years. She found a photo album with the usual pics of prom, homecoming, beach week, etc.

There are, according to him, about 25 pictures of her with different guys. He jokingly asked if she'd slept with all of them. She got angry at the question but eventually admitted she had.

They have been married for 13 years and both shared their 'numbers' but he now realizes this is a complete lie. He is quite upset, really not so much about the number, but more that she's been lying for years and years. He feels like he doesn't really know here now.

Why would she lie about sex from HS?

Honestly, if my brother asked me this, I would ask him if he was upset about the lie or upset about the number. Either way my brother answers, I’d still tell him he’s sexist. The whole conversation about numbers is sexist - women are judged for their number in a way that a man would not be. Your brother feels like it is his role to investigate and question his wife about her sexual history that happened a decade before your brother met and married her - that is bananas sexist and controlling. Who his wife slept with prior to him is actually none of his business. If he was worried about STDs, then the thing to do is get tested and negotiate monogamy. If he was worried about sexual fidelity, then the thing to do is talk about that and negotiate it explicitly, not guess whether fidelity will won’t happen because of past sexual history.

The conversation about numbers also doesn’t include any thought to the ways in which women are taught about their sexuality by the culture - ways that encourage them to sleep with men (gatekeeping sex and childbirth are still a woman’s main power even in these modern times) or ways in which they are sexually abused which encourages a cycle of sleeping with people to soothe or act out abuse, and then there’s the whole aspect of figuring out your sexuality and what you do and don’t like in people.

Honestly, if a guy asked me for my number, I would dump him. Your brother is lucky she didn’t do that to him.

Dumping him for asking the question is of course principled, and I respect your view there; lying instead is not. You don’t get to decide what other people should and should not care about in selecting a spouse, and if she knew the information was material to his decision and she lied anyway, that’s an act of profoundly low character. This idea that there are certain things that are “none of your business” in selecting a spouse seems entirely indefensible to me, when considering making a lifetime commitment to someone it is reasonable to be interested in basically everything about that person, and if you want someone to commit to you for a lifetime, you should be willing to be honest. It should not be a high-stakes poker game where you conceal information to get the result you want.

Even “that’s none of your business” is fine. That makes everyone’s boundaries clear, and everyone gets to make decisions both based on the fact that the question was asked (and what that says about the asker) and the answer that was given.

Choosing to answer and intentionally lying in an effort to deceive someone to whom you are making lifelong promises purportedly on a foundation of trust is something else entirely.

Of course it is. But some rando slut with a chip on her shoulder wants to claim it isn't. Imagine a thread about a women discovering the man she married had lied about wanting or having kids. Same thing. The b**ch lied about something important to him.

awwwwww poor baby. Maybe you should work on that hatred for women a little bit. I bet it will do wonders for your sex life if you're just not a POS.

LOL. I hurt your feelings.

I can't tell you how much you DIDN'T hurt my feelings. I'm laughing at you, loser.

You're only proving my point more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

You don't get to know every intimidate detal that happend in my previous relationships, sexual or not. There is a lot that's private in every relationship and that's ok. For example, my relationship with my parents. Of course, I want to facilitate a great relationship between you and my parents but that doesn't mean you get to know about or question every single detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is out west helping his wife move their father from her childhood home into a nursing home. She is also collecting her HS memorabilia that has been sitting there for 25 years. She found a photo album with the usual pics of prom, homecoming, beach week, etc.

There are, according to him, about 25 pictures of her with different guys. He jokingly asked if she'd slept with all of them. She got angry at the question but eventually admitted she had.

They have been married for 13 years and both shared their 'numbers' but he now realizes this is a complete lie. He is quite upset, really not so much about the number, but more that she's been lying for years and years. He feels like he doesn't really know here now.

Why would she lie about sex from HS?

Honestly, if my brother asked me this, I would ask him if he was upset about the lie or upset about the number. Either way my brother answers, I’d still tell him he’s sexist. The whole conversation about numbers is sexist - women are judged for their number in a way that a man would not be. Your brother feels like it is his role to investigate and question his wife about her sexual history that happened a decade before your brother met and married her - that is bananas sexist and controlling. Who his wife slept with prior to him is actually none of his business. If he was worried about STDs, then the thing to do is get tested and negotiate monogamy. If he was worried about sexual fidelity, then the thing to do is talk about that and negotiate it explicitly, not guess whether fidelity will won’t happen because of past sexual history.

The conversation about numbers also doesn’t include any thought to the ways in which women are taught about their sexuality by the culture - ways that encourage them to sleep with men (gatekeeping sex and childbirth are still a woman’s main power even in these modern times) or ways in which they are sexually abused which encourages a cycle of sleeping with people to soothe or act out abuse, and then there’s the whole aspect of figuring out your sexuality and what you do and don’t like in people.

Honestly, if a guy asked me for my number, I would dump him. Your brother is lucky she didn’t do that to him.

Dumping him for asking the question is of course principled, and I respect your view there; lying instead is not. You don’t get to decide what other people should and should not care about in selecting a spouse, and if she knew the information was material to his decision and she lied anyway, that’s an act of profoundly low character. This idea that there are certain things that are “none of your business” in selecting a spouse seems entirely indefensible to me, when considering making a lifetime commitment to someone it is reasonable to be interested in basically everything about that person, and if you want someone to commit to you for a lifetime, you should be willing to be honest. It should not be a high-stakes poker game where you conceal information to get the result you want.

Even “that’s none of your business” is fine. That makes everyone’s boundaries clear, and everyone gets to make decisions both based on the fact that the question was asked (and what that says about the asker) and the answer that was given.

Choosing to answer and intentionally lying in an effort to deceive someone to whom you are making lifelong promises purportedly on a foundation of trust is something else entirely.

Of course it is. But some rando slut with a chip on her shoulder wants to claim it isn't. Imagine a thread about a women discovering the man she married had lied about wanting or having kids. Same thing. The b**ch lied about something important to him.

awwwwww poor baby. Maybe you should work on that hatred for women a little bit. I bet it will do wonders for your sex life if you're just not a POS.

LOL. I hurt your feelings.

I can't tell you how much you DIDN'T hurt my feelings. I'm laughing at you, loser.

You're only proving my point more.

Awwwww, someone is feeling very insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

This just sounds super adversarial to me. I mean, why wouldn’t you expect your potential spouse to be curious about you? It would seem strange to me if they weren’t. “Need to know” is for spies and classified information, in my experience. But, i agree, it’s good to flesh out such differences in approach early in a relationship to assess compatibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

This just sounds super adversarial to me. I mean, why wouldn’t you expect your potential spouse to be curious about you? It would seem strange to me if they weren’t. “Need to know” is for spies and classified information, in my experience. But, i agree, it’s good to flesh out such differences in approach early in a relationship to assess compatibility.

+1.

"My spouse of 22 years doesn't know the name of any of my exes, my favorite ice cream or half my family. Why would they need to?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

This just sounds super adversarial to me. I mean, why wouldn’t you expect your potential spouse to be curious about you? It would seem strange to me if they weren’t. “Need to know” is for spies and classified information, in my experience. But, i agree, it’s good to flesh out such differences in approach early in a relationship to assess compatibility.

Because I consider the relationships and encounters I had in the past meaningful and I don't want to demean them or cheaper them so that you can feel like the big man on the block. Secure, mature men communicate what they like, what their expectations are without having to compare themselves to another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

This just sounds super adversarial to me. I mean, why wouldn’t you expect your potential spouse to be curious about you? It would seem strange to me if they weren’t. “Need to know” is for spies and classified information, in my experience. But, i agree, it’s good to flesh out such differences in approach early in a relationship to assess compatibility.

+1.

"My spouse of 22 years doesn't know the name of any of my exes, my favorite ice cream or half my family. Why would they need to?"

I love when people play dumb on purpose. There is a huge difference between not knowing my ex's name and not knowing how I made him orgasm in bed. I'm sure you'd LOVE to know how much bigger and better he was, am I right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming she would lie because of the kind of judgement women face for having a sex life? Just a shot in the dark.

There is 'having a sex life' and then there is 'sleeping with 25 people between the ages of 14 and 18.'

Most (men and women) would not consider them synonymous.

What's the difference?

You think there is none?

Did you buy your mattress at a second hand store?

You sleep in hotels. This is a nonsense comparison.

The difference between 'having a sex life' and some bullshit judgments about what is/isn't an appropriate sex life is some judgmental nonsense and cultural programming that wouldn't bat an eye at a man doing the same thing.

Unpack that instead of making ridiculous comparisons to used mattresses.

Not for you to shame someone for having preferences. The husband does not have a right to tell the wife what she should or should not have done in her life. He also has the right to marry whoever he wishes and she should not have lied about something that was important to him (for whatever reason).

While a bit of a digression, you often see these types of women who will do the dirtiest things in their sloot phase but decline to anything remotely dirty with the one they supposedly love.

Are you under the impression that a woman owes you something?

No, but the level of sexual attraction your potential spouse has for you has a lot of implications for how the relationship will function going forward. A man would be foolish to marry a woman who was a lot more attracted to prior lovers as this will play out negatively for that man over the course of a marriage in a host of ways, women in general know that men feel this way, and thus some make the strategic choice to be less than candid about this fact.

Sure, but that has NOTHING to do with "she did it with him so she owes me the same."

No, but it’s a reasonable thing to discuss. The answer might be: “I tried it and didn’t like it”; it might be “I was pressured into it”; but it also might be “Because I was more attracted to Larlo and was into it with him, but not with you.” Not, of course, that the woman would ever say that, but that’s the kind of information that is certainly relevant to how the marriage will go.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask or discuss how the sex occurred in previous relationships. Focus on communicating what you currently like, and don't worry about what she might have done with someone else.

Interesting. What other topics do you think are off limits in this manner, or is it merely a special rule for sex?

"Things that make me embarrassed and ashamed for my poor decisions."

HAHHAHAHAHA Are you under the impression that I'm embarrassed about my previous relationships or sexual encounters? No, idiot. I just don't think you need to know.

This just sounds super adversarial to me. I mean, why wouldn’t you expect your potential spouse to be curious about you? It would seem strange to me if they weren’t. “Need to know” is for spies and classified information, in my experience. But, i agree, it’s good to flesh out such differences in approach early in a relationship to assess compatibility.

Because I consider the relationships and encounters I had in the past meaningful and I don't want to demean them or cheaper them so that you can feel like the big man on the block. Secure, mature men communicate what they like, what their expectations are without having to compare themselves to another man.

As I said, this sounds very adversarial. My DW and I talked about our past relationships in the course of getting to know each other and it didn’t demean or cheapen anything. And you don’t have to press for unseemly amounts of detail to get a general sense of someone’s experience and preferences. Just don’t see why that’s should be treated like a state secret, it seems like you are presuming a high level of bad faith about such discussions.