Parents out of money at 75

[Anonymous]

Don’t do this. You need to help them survive on their own assets. Downsize. Get into an apartment. Make sure the house money is well managed. Don’t pay for care. Let them become poor and go to Medicaid.

You can supplement with a nice trip, a dinner out, new clothes or a trip to the mall, etc. But don’t let this turn into endless big ticket support of another household or ongoing medical needs. If you do that, you’ll be in the sh*tter with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do this. You need to help them survive on their own assets. Downsize. Get into an apartment. Make sure the house money is well managed. Don’t pay for care. Let them become poor and go to Medicaid.

You can supplement with a nice trip, a dinner out, new clothes or a trip to the mall, etc. But don’t let this turn into endless big ticket support of another household or ongoing medical needs. If you do that, you’ll be in the sh*tter with them.

Yes. This is very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives entirely on SS. I thought that was pretty much par for the course. She owns her townhome.

I'd pay for a new roof if she needed one. I don't have much money but she raised me entirely by herself. If I can't pay her back, what kind of child am I?

That's the only question that matters. Keep up that thinking, but be realistic about your ability to do so as well. As another poster suggested, consider having her move into your place (or you move into hers) so costs can be shared and she has someone to take care of her, and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another option which people around the world use -

Why not they sell the house and move in with you? Then invest the money smartly for them, so they are getting some returns.

You charge them a acceptable amount for room, board and other amenities (without being greedy), so that they can live with dignity and they also save money from their SS. The saved money will be used to get them the nursing care or hospice care that they need at the end of their life.

Take some of the money they pay to get cleaning service, lawn service and inhome care etc at home, so it is comfortable for all of you. Make sure that there is an equitable sharing of their wealth after their passing with your sibling and your sibling is looped into all the major decisions.

That's a big no-no for Americans. Even when there's just one parent remaining and they are really, really old, they'd rather have that parent live in some shitty home rather at theirs.

It was a no-no for my European family AND my east Asian family as well, PP. You seem to have a skewed vision of the world. No one in developed countries ever wants to take in their seniors. It's only in developing countries that they can't do otherwise, because there are no homes for the elderly; or as a lingering cultural tradition in certain families - but women in these families are pushing back on these burdensome expectations, because they're realizing that all modern society gives them other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would sell the house and get them into a continuous care community near you, take the left-over money and put it in the bank/whatever a financial planner recommends.

Use the extra money for fun trips and save some for care when they are too told to care for themselves.

We did this for my mom and it was the best thing we did. Friends, no house to care for, activities, easily affordable.

A continuous care that takes Medicaid. When the money is gone, they will be able to stay there.

It won't be luxury or sometimes even decent care, but it's the one that's "free" for you. You would have to find and visit facilities, persuade them to sell their home, help them move, and then pay for your visits there. The staff will take better care of your elder if they know you like to pop in unexpectedly.

And of course... please don't expect any inheritance.

When they run out of money they will have to qualify for Medicaid. And that’s not all about money. You have to physically and medically qualify. If they are currently living independently in their own home there is a good chance they won’t qualify when they run out of money. And then they get evicted for nonpayment. Eviction from Eldercare communities is a real thing.

If they can live off social security and the only issue is big expenses, then we’d probably give them the money if it really is a necessary expenditure. But we’d make the arrangements, manage the project and pay directly. And I wouldn’t be paying for upgrades.

Also, if I were looking at future large expenses for my family, I’d be clear that during my kids’ college years or whatever, we wouldn’t be able to assist so they might want to do some budgeting and cost cutting so they have some savings.

My housing expenses are so minimal - $750 a month for taxes and insurance and a bit for utilities. No way could I get an apartment for less than the cost of my housing. And a condo HOA could be more than my costs. So moving might not reduce their costs.

[Anonymous]

There are medicaid homes they can live in. It will not be pretty, but it's a step above living in a tent.

[Anonymous]

Of one of them has a serious health issue that requires $$$, how are they going to pay for it? Don't tell me Medicare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives entirely on SS. I thought that was pretty much par for the course. She owns her townhome.

I'd pay for a new roof if she needed one. I don't have much money but she raised me entirely by herself. If I can't pay her back, what kind of child am I?

If you can't pay her back because you don't have the resources, it doesn't change who you are. If you are able and don't, that's a different story.

I can always find more jobs. Where there's a will, there's a way. Even with all three of my jobs, I still make less than $100k.

It sounds like you don't have the money to help your mother in this way without endangering your own retirement.

"Where there's a will there's a way" also applies to your mom. There's no shame in finding her a place she can live in on her means.

Also, this sounds very different than the OP, whose parents are not careful with their money and are possibly past the point of being able to manage it themselves.

It sounds like your mom is poor through no fault of her own because she worked her butt off as a single mom to care for you and your sibling.

[Anonymous]

Most older people live on SS. There were pensions back in the day in some industries but not all. 401ks didn't really show up until the 80s or so.

[Anonymous]

You can put a lien on their home... but not the best plan for your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

They have plenty of money left. It's in their house. They need a home equity line of credit on their home.

I wouldn't let it impact my own future retirement but up to you. They should sell their house and rent somewhere and build that into their fixed costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would sell the house and get them into a continuous care community near you, take the left-over money and put it in the bank/whatever a financial planner recommends.

Use the extra money for fun trips and save some for care when they are too told to care for themselves.

We did this for my mom and it was the best thing we did. Friends, no house to care for, activities, easily affordable.

A continuous care that takes Medicaid. When the money is gone, they will be able to stay there.

It won't be luxury or sometimes even decent care, but it's the one that's "free" for you. You would have to find and visit facilities, persuade them to sell their home, help them move, and then pay for your visits there. The staff will take better care of your elder if they know you like to pop in unexpectedly.

And of course... please don't expect any inheritance.

When they run out of money they will have to qualify for Medicaid. And that’s not all about money. You have to physically and medically qualify. If they are currently living independently in their own home there is a good chance they won’t qualify when they run out of money. And then they get evicted for nonpayment. Eviction from Eldercare communities is a real thing.

If they can live off social security and the only issue is big expenses, then we’d probably give them the money if it really is a necessary expenditure. But we’d make the arrangements, manage the project and pay directly. And I wouldn’t be paying for upgrades.

Also, if I were looking at future large expenses for my family, I’d be clear that during my kids’ college years or whatever, we wouldn’t be able to assist so they might want to do some budgeting and cost cutting so they have some savings.

My housing expenses are so minimal - $750 a month for taxes and insurance and a bit for utilities. No way could I get an apartment for less than the cost of my housing. And a condo HOA could be more than my costs. So moving might not reduce their costs.

Of course moving doesn’t reduce their costs. What it does is free up a few hundred thousand dollars in home equity that they can use toward those costs.

[Anonymous]

Never under any circumstances loan money to family and friends. If the bank won't lend it then its because they dont have the means to pay it back. So you could do it as a gift, or you can help them find a way to use the equity of their house to get by.

If I was going to gift the money though, I would pry into their finances some to understand whether its a worthwhile expense or whether im just throwing away money before making the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would sell the house and get them into a continuous care community near you, take the left-over money and put it in the bank/whatever a financial planner recommends.

Use the extra money for fun trips and save some for care when they are too told to care for themselves.

We did this for my mom and it was the best thing we did. Friends, no house to care for, activities, easily affordable.

A continuous care that takes Medicaid. When the money is gone, they will be able to stay there.

It won't be luxury or sometimes even decent care, but it's the one that's "free" for you. You would have to find and visit facilities, persuade them to sell their home, help them move, and then pay for your visits there. The staff will take better care of your elder if they know you like to pop in unexpectedly.

And of course... please don't expect any inheritance.

When they run out of money they will have to qualify for Medicaid. And that’s not all about money. You have to physically and medically qualify. If they are currently living independently in their own home there is a good chance they won’t qualify when they run out of money. And then they get evicted for nonpayment. Eviction from Eldercare communities is a real thing.

If they can live off social security and the only issue is big expenses, then we’d probably give them the money if it really is a necessary expenditure. But we’d make the arrangements, manage the project and pay directly. And I wouldn’t be paying for upgrades.

Also, if I were looking at future large expenses for my family, I’d be clear that during my kids’ college years or whatever, we wouldn’t be able to assist so they might want to do some budgeting and cost cutting so they have some savings.

My housing expenses are so minimal - $750 a month for taxes and insurance and a bit for utilities. No way could I get an apartment for less than the cost of my housing. And a condo HOA could be more than my costs. So moving might not reduce their costs.

PP you replied. Thanks for reminding me that the elderly also need to qualify medically and physically. In that case, yes, the house sale needs to be pushed back to a time when they do qualify. But if a Medicaid home is the end goal, no one should sink anything but the absolute minimum into that home. OP handles the bills, to ensure nothing goes to expenses she doesn't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never under any circumstances loan money to family and friends. If the bank won't lend it then its because they dont have the means to pay it back. So you could do it as a gift, or you can help them find a way to use the equity of their house to get by.

If I was going to gift the money though, I would pry into their finances some to understand whether its a worthwhile expense or whether im just throwing away money before making the decision.

This especially if the reason they ran out because they are funneling money to the broke sibling. It’s really common for deadbeat siblings to not only drain their parent’s assets but to drain assets from their siblings using the parents as the conduits. If you start sending an extra few hundred a month for groceries expect a % to be sent over to the sibling.