Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t allow this. But I’m surprised at the responses here. It seems most people on DCUM are cool with their teens having sex, so why object to a sleepover?

We expect them to sneak around like we did. We want plausible deniability.

Is this really how you feel or do you actually not have teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My senior ds has had a girlfriend for about six months. We know they are having sex (dh had talk with ds about it). His girlfriend is very good friend with dd too, and I'd have zero issue with her sleeping at our house if needed (she lives a little far away), but I am not okay with her staying in ds's room. With dd, in spare room...fine anytime. Is it hypocritical? Perhaps, but to me sleeping together under one roof is more of a committed/married level behavior. Dh and I didn't do that until years into our relationship at our respective parents' place. It's just a matter of respect.

The bolded sentence confuses me. What's disrespectful?

To me it's about respecting your parents' home and having some boundaries, and also respecting the girlfriend and her parents. It may not make sense to you and that's totally okay. People can parent how they see fit. It wasn't an issue with ds and he understood and respects it.

Right I was asking you how it is disrespectful, but if you don't want to (or can't) explain it that's fine.

I don't know that I can explain it. It just feels completely wrong and "adult" to me in a way that I am not comfortable with from very young people who are not yet adults.

NP. I am a "no sex for teens" puritan but I actually see your point here. It's not about the actual act of sex, it's more about the intimacy and social clues that are tied to staying over as a partner. I do think that's a different thing, and I respect you drawing the line as you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My senior ds has had a girlfriend for about six months. We know they are having sex (dh had talk with ds about it). His girlfriend is very good friend with dd too, and I'd have zero issue with her sleeping at our house if needed (she lives a little far away), but I am not okay with her staying in ds's room. With dd, in spare room...fine anytime. Is it hypocritical? Perhaps, but to me sleeping together under one roof is more of a committed/married level behavior. Dh and I didn't do that until years into our relationship at our respective parents' place. It's just a matter of respect.

The bolded sentence confuses me. What's disrespectful?

To me it's about respecting your parents' home and having some boundaries, and also respecting the girlfriend and her parents. It may not make sense to you and that's totally okay. People can parent how they see fit. It wasn't an issue with ds and he understood and respects it.

Right I was asking you how it is disrespectful, but if you don't want to (or can't) explain it that's fine.

I don't know that I can explain it. It just feels completely wrong and "adult" to me in a way that I am not comfortable with from very young people who are not yet adults.

NP. I am a "no sex for teens" puritan but I actually see your point here. It's not about the actual act of sex, it's more about the intimacy and social clues that are tied to staying over as a partner. I do think that's a different thing, and I respect you drawing the line as you have.

NP. I agree this is an issue.

We (both sets of parents) allowed teens to spend the night on "special occasions" due to the distance they lived from each other and safe/reliable transportation on those occasions. For example, I did not want to ask this couple not to spend NYE together or put anyone in harm's way for a ride home. We typically planned in advance for these situations, didn't let kids make up excuses on the fly, the default was coming home. For those reasons, I believe it was the right decision.

On the other hand, this was an intense relationship. It seemed to be going that way before any of these occasions were allowed, but I will always wonder if it contributed (negatively) to the intensity of the relationship, feelings, and breakup.

The next relationship was much a different transportation situation, sleepovers were never allowed, nor did my child who had been allowed them in the past assume they would be. Although, eventually everyone got comfortable enough they would nap in each other's beds, doors closed, but I still think that is a different thing (and I am relatively certain that's not when/where they were having sex with parents home).

[Anonymous]

Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They aren’t even allowed under the same roof with the sun shining if parents aren’t home.

In the same bedroom?! Not going to happen here. Not even in college.

You do allow it though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.

How are you going to approve appropriate consent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.

Depends on where you live in some places no one under 18 can give consent even if the other person is under 18.

Id you're going to be the cool mom make sure you know the law in your area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.

How are you going to approve appropriate consent?

I have frequent and open talks with my children on consent, safety, trust, healthy relationships, birth control, privacy, etc. They get to make that choice for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case

It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.

How are you going to approve appropriate consent?

I have frequent and open talks with my children on consent, safety, trust, healthy relationships, birth control, privacy, etc. They get to make that choice for themselves.

But you can't prove that appropriate consent was given and it becomes your problem if someone says they were raped in your home and you knew what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Over my dead body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?

I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.

More flexible about other things but not this.

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?

I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.

More flexible about other things but not this.

I do not know any parents that would allow this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?

I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.

More flexible about other things but not this.

I do not know any parents that would allow this

I do, and - gasp - I think they're good parents. I'm not saying they're good parents BECAUSE of this, but I know them, and have for a long time, and...they're good parents. So, I can only assume that they came to the decision to allow it the same way they've made other parenting decisions, which is what they felt worked for their DCs and families. I will say, having been on the Tweens/Teens Forum for way too long, that it skews young. Seniors in high school are a long way from 13 and 14 year olds, and what you can't imagine in the early teens is very real in the older teens, for some at least. For me, keeping up with the changes has been the most challenging part of parenting so far. You simply aren't ready for the speed at which very natural changes occur (quest for independence, increase in general capability to take care of themselves and, yes, romantic relationships).

I am not saying anyone should allow this, but I am saying, especially if your teens are younger, reserve judgment a few more years at least. I did not do so on many issues over the years, and have certainly been humbled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?

I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.

More flexible about other things but not this.

I do not know any parents that would allow this

I do, and - gasp - I think they're good parents. I'm not saying they're good parents BECAUSE of this, but I know them, and have for a long time, and...they're good parents. So, I can only assume that they came to the decision to allow it the same way they've made other parenting decisions, which is what they felt worked for their DCs and families. I will say, having been on the Tweens/Teens Forum for way too long, that it skews young. Seniors in high school are a long way from 13 and 14 year olds, and what you can't imagine in the early teens is very real in the older teens, for some at least. For me, keeping up with the changes has been the most challenging part of parenting so far. You simply aren't ready for the speed at which very natural changes occur (quest for independence, increase in general capability to take care of themselves and, yes, romantic relationships).

I am not saying anyone should allow this, but I am saying, especially if your teens are younger, reserve judgment a few more years at least. I did not do so on many issues over the years, and have certainly been humbled.

They allowed it in HS? Just curious. We allow it with our college kids who are technically adults.