I think there's an issue with task initiation going on here. I struggle with this myself and it can be part of ADHD. My spouse can just get in the shower. I get derailed if there's no soap because when I get the soap I think about something else, etc. Each task like get up, get toothbrush, brush teeth, get soap, put shampoo on and on and on, can be a separate task that takes new initiating especially if I'm tired. I honestly don't understand how some people just do things and change tasks so easily. |
I am a slow riser in the morning and it's really hard for me to shower in the morning. If I get in the shower when I'm still sleepy it will also take 3x longer because I zone out and forget what I'm doing. I have to keep things pretty simple in the morning because I don't really zone in until 9:30 or 10am.
If her hair is a stressor then showering at night and then using a spray bottle to rewet and then "do" her hair could seriously cut down on morning time. Also exploring products that might make her hair more manageable. I get you are low maintenance about your appearance but she's not you. She's also 9 and just started a new school year -- you are entering the years where girls become very aware of their appearance and often highly critical of each otehr and themselves. Finding ways to help her feel confident about her appearance will help a lot and are worth the effort even if it's not really your thing. She doesn't need to spend an hour getting ready -- she just needs a good routine that creates a consistent appearance she can feel good about. Also if this is how she's responding to her hair looking wrong then please prepare yourself for when she starts getting pimples and maybe get to a derm at the first sign. |
agree. the “masking” explanation is a pop-culture thing not really evidence based. some settings are more stressful, others are less stressful. “masking” is nonfalsifiable and also seems to put the blame on the child (some even try to make it sound like people on the spectrum are deliberately deceptive.) plenty of kids are better regulated at school because everything is predictable and structured there, but less regulated at home. with autism it would be more typical to see less regulation at school because of more transitions, a tougher time understanding the social cues of the group, more noise and sensory overload. |
Is your husband treating his anxiety? If she's like him, she may be picking it up from him. |
OP - sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't. He does meditation and exercise to try and treat it but then other times he drinks alcohol and doesn't treat it at all. |
For the hair -- https://langehair.com/products/le-vite
This thing really helps tame my DD's long thick wavy hair after sleeping on it. It takes five mins. A conscientious kid could probably do it herself. Showering in the am is too much for a nine year old with an early start. |
She sounds like my kids, except my kids are much younger. I took my oldest to a behavioral evaluation at her pediatrician's office when she was 4. He recommended the book, "The Explosive Child." I highly recommend the book as well, though applying the principles taught in it will take some work. |
You should think about anxiety meds. This can then allow to her really access therapy. And then, you can get off the meds. |
This. |
I don't think it's fair to intentionally deliver a wreck for the teachers and classmates to deal with. |
Not showering at night is gross. |
Op - I read your schedule again. I am a pretty efficient adult and I can't get myself out the door from bed to shower in 45 mins. If she insists on the am shower, she needs to get up way earlier - probably more like 6. |
Is she already on medication? I would ask about that. Hopefully she can get some immediate relief/reset of her mental state that buys her more space to implement and practice her coping strategies when she is not feeling intense anxiety. Also you need to empathize/connect with her and try to learn more about what she is feeling day to day. The hair is the trigger for an outburst but likely there are subtle things happening to her constantly that put her on a permanent edge. It is really really hard going through the day constantly feeling under attack. So, when you are exasperated by the outburst, remember that her anger isn’t over something silly like hair. Her anger is really from the previous 24 hours of battling relentless anxiousness. It is difficult and isolating. then the one thing you are trying to control, won’t work and you just lose it. I know it’s exhausting being the parent of, but it helps if you can understand better what she’s going through. |
I agree. It’s a lot easier to handle a hair meltdown 45 minutes before you need to leave than 5 minutes before you need to leave. |
No, it's not normal. It's not normal to bang your head against anything. |