Funeral for the parent of a friend-how do you decide whether to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks, I’m going. I”m actually gong to fly, which is expensive but I was dreading the drive. I think I’m most ruminating over the fact that if the situation were reversed she would send a lovely bouquet of flowers with her regrets …and I’m making sacrifices to be there. But I’d rather be the type of person who goes.

making it tit for tat is kinda weird. Do the right thing without it being an obligation that the other person has to "return" You never know what her situation will be like when your parent dies. You can go - you can afford the travel and the time off. You can't know what her future holds.

OP here -- I don't think it's weird. I'm going because I think it's the right thing to do. I think it's normal to also feel a bit conflicted because my friend wouldn't think the same. Both feelings can be true. (And you're right, I don't know what the future holds but I know how she's behaved in similar situations in the past, which is all I can go off).

But I appreciate this thread for confirming that my decision is the right one.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a good enough friend you can just ask her if she’d like you there. If it doesn’t matter to her one way or the other meet up with her locally when the dust settles. Send flowers or a donation or whatever they request.

[Anonymous]

If you can, go. Only my local friends from my hometown went to my Dad's funeral and it would have meant the world to me if my best friends (or at least one of them) from out of town had attended. One apologized for not coming which I really appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you knew her mom well and for a long time then I might suggest you go. I would not expect a friend who had limited contact with my mom to drive 4.5 hours for her funeral. Would be very touched if she did, but it wouldn't be expected. Especially if I knew she had to rent a car to do it.

I am someone who has gone to the funerals of friends' parents when the funeral was in the area. Because I do believe in showing support.

Mom is dead. You go for the friend, not the mom.

[Anonymous]

How old are you all? I’m 50 and if I went to all the funerals for my friends’ parents, it would be a full time job. It’s different when you’re 30 and the loss is more shocking. I didn’t invite nor expect any friends to fly to my parents’ out of state services. Even some family couldn’t make it. If you’re not important enough to be consulted on the date of the service, you don’t have to go. Yes, it’s lovely if you do. But don’t overextend yourself repeatedly and resent it. In our grandparents day, people didn’t travel extended distances for services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

I agree, I wouldn't go for a 4.5 hour drive and hotel room, and I'd never ask a single friend to go. 2 hours drive max for a parent of a friend. I'm surprised so many are saying to go.

[Anonymous]

Very good friend + huge thing (parent dying unexpectedly!) + manageable + she wants you there, you go.

[Anonymous]

Most friends, probably not. But a "very good friend" absolutely, I would go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

I agree, I wouldn't go for a 4.5 hour drive and hotel room, and I'd never ask a single friend to go. 2 hours drive max for a parent of a friend. I'm surprised so many are saying to go.

I have two very good friends, one I've known for over 20 years and the other for over 35 years. For them yes, I would go.

[Anonymous]

Send flowers or whatever the family requested instead. Then check in with your friend periodically. There is always a swarm of support right after someone passes and then everyone goes back to their lives while the bereaved have to pick up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

OP - glad you decided to go! I just went to a celebration of life for my friend's parent & it meant a lot to her that we showed (4.5 hr drive, hotel overnight, same distance sounds like). My husband (whose parent just died last year) urged me to go & I am so glad I did.

[Anonymous]

It meant the world to me that my friends came to my parents' funerals. You can only be there in this way for someone a few times in their life. Few things are as big as this. You will want the same when the roles are reversed.

[Anonymous]

Go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It meant the world to me that my friends came to my parents' funerals. You can only be there in this way for someone a few times in their life. Few things are as big as this. You will want the same when the roles are reversed.

Yes it meant a lot to one of my good friends who lost her mom young so I now try to do this for other friends whenever I can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks, I’m going. I”m actually gong to fly, which is expensive but I was dreading the drive. I think I’m most ruminating over the fact that if the situation were reversed she would send a lovely bouquet of flowers with her regrets …and I’m making sacrifices to be there. But I’d rather be the type of person who goes.

making it tit for tat is kinda weird. Do the right thing without it being an obligation that the other person has to "return" You never know what her situation will be like when your parent dies. You can go - you can afford the travel and the time off. You can't know what her future holds.

OP here -- I don't think it's weird. I'm going because I think it's the right thing to do. I think it's normal to also feel a bit conflicted because my friend wouldn't think the same. Both feelings can be true. (And you're right, I don't know what the future holds but I know how she's behaved in similar situations in the past, which is all I can go off).

But I appreciate this thread for confirming that my decision is the right one.

I think it's really good you're going.