Funeral for the parent of a friend-how do you decide whether to go?

[Anonymous]

A very good friend's mom died unexpectedly and she told me the date/time of the funeral... a 4.5-hour drive away. Clearly I can, and should, go..but I'm struggling with the decision for a few reasons:

* Would have to take a day off work and stay at a hotel
* Would miss a kids sports tournament - they won't care too much but I like to go
* We only have one car so I have to rent one and it's not cheap, plus gas/hotel/incidentals (I'm not doing the drive in a day)
* I think only one other friend may be going and I don't think she still has friends back home
* I'm pretty sure she wouldn't come if the situation was reversed. She's a wonderful person and very good friend but putting herself out there when it's an imposition for her is her least likable quality

All that said, I think it's the right thing to go and support her. But how does one decide when to go or not?

[Anonymous]

All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Would your friend appreciate it? Then go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This. And if your other friend goes you can split expenses.

If you truly can't make it work, send flowers.

[Anonymous]

If you knew her mom well and for a long time then I might suggest you go. I would not expect a friend who had limited contact with my mom to drive 4.5 hours for her funeral. Would be very touched if she did, but it wouldn't be expected. Especially if I knew she had to rent a car to do it.

I am someone who has gone to the funerals of friends' parents when the funeral was in the area. Because I do believe in showing support.

[Anonymous]

I think if you can, you should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

I like this. I went to a similar funeral years ago and had to take a nursing infant on my own for a 4 hour drive and wear her at the funeral. My friend was shocked I came and it still means so much to her that I made such an effort. I barely knew the mother.

[Anonymous]

Your friend will definitely remember if you go. But she will understand if you can't make it and you send flowers or some kind words in a card.

You sound like a very good friend and a caring person.

[Anonymous]

Was the death a surprise/shock/unexpected? (go)
Will they be supported by other siblings? (go if they won't be)

I use the above to decide if it's a hardship for me to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This is true in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

1) If you can afford to go, go
2) Telling your kid you are missing a sports game to go to a friend's funeral is sending your kid the RIGHT message

[Anonymous]

I would go. Having lost a patent suddenly, all the support from friends meant so much to me.

[Anonymous]

I once did not go to a friend's stepmom's funeral because I did not want to rent a car and drive three hours round trip and I still regret it

[Anonymous]

Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

+1.