If you were on the fence about having kids

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t on the fence, but I knew we would still have happy, fulfilling lives if we didn’t have children and that made going through infertility treatments easier.

We have 2 kids. I find them annoying at times. I find other people’s kids annoying at times. However over all, I enjoy parenting and my kids enough that the good outweighs the bad and the mediocre.

If you are on the fence, think about how much time you are willing to spend with other parents and supporting your kids’ activities. Sure you can take them with you and hand them live your life until they are preschoolers, but eventually they have their own social lives and interests.

You can also consider how much tolerance you have for having your own worst traits and behaviors reflected back to you on a consistent basis. If you are snarky and sarcastic, wait until you hear it from a 7yr old every day. If you are naturally snippy and impatient or stubborn or resistant to change, well just wait until you have 4 yr old with the same traits and behaviors. The traits that make you a great lawyer or a shrewd negotiator at work are less attractive when you create a miniature version of yourself to battle wills with. They will emulate your good side too, but it’s the tough stuff you notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people that claim to like their kids are just saying that because it would be too painful to admit they ruined the rest of their lives.

I think a lot of people claim to be happy without kids because it’s too painful to admit they missed their chance when they had it.

[Anonymous]

My sister was also on the fence about having kids. Knowing her (and I don't know you so take or leave this) my advice was to have 1 child only. And that's what she did. She loves her kid and does not regret being a parent but she deliberately stopped at one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people that claim to like their kids are just saying that because it would be too painful to admit they ruined the rest of their lives.

I think a lot of people claim to be happy without kids because it’s too painful to admit they missed their chance when they had it.

I don't think they are lying. I do also know people that tried and couldn't have kids so they HAD to come to terms with being childless. That doesn't mean they don't have regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

This is probably me. But FOMO. You don't know what you don't know. We couldn't get off the fence, I got pregnant accidentally and then we went through a lot to get pregnant a second time because I knew that if I had kids I wanted two. One kid always seemed to me just dipping your toe in and if I did, I was going all in. I read a lot of books pro and con and the one that put me over the edge was Waiting for Daisy. The author's partner wants kids more than she does. His rationale is that having kids is a basic life experience. In the book he says that life is like an amusement park and that he wants to ride all the rides.

Damn, people are so weird about only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people that claim to like their kids are just saying that because it would be too painful to admit they ruined the rest of their lives.

I think a lot of people claim to be happy without kids because it’s too painful to admit they missed their chance when they had it.

That might be, but I'm sure they're happier than those with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

This is probably me. But FOMO. You don't know what you don't know. We couldn't get off the fence, I got pregnant accidentally and then we went through a lot to get pregnant a second time because I knew that if I had kids I wanted two. One kid always seemed to me just dipping your toe in and if I did, I was going all in. I read a lot of books pro and con and the one that put me over the edge was Waiting for Daisy. The author's partner wants kids more than she does. His rationale is that having kids is a basic life experience. In the book he says that life is like an amusement park and that he wants to ride all the rides.

Damn, people are so weird about only children.

I agree. I am an only child and I have an only child.

It made for a much more pleasant life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ambivalent towards kids. I found all kids annoying and never really sought out relationships with my nephews or other children in my life. I still find most all children annoying including my own - but for my own I have a much more in depth view of them and their annoying behavior. I’m also very motivated to engage with them and help them grow and learn.

All in all I’d definitely say I’m glad I had kids. I’m all in on them (in a healthy way) even though I definitely have days I fantasize about life without them. By the time I had them, I’d traveled the world, had tons of fancy dinners, had tons of relaxing weekends, etc…I definitely miss that phase of life but I don’t think another 40 years of that would have been as exciting as it was.

I don’t believe you have to be 100% certain you want them, I do believe you have to be 100% certain you will make the best life of it and do right by them if you have them. It’s possible to both love your kids deeply and be glad you had them and imagine other paths for your life that would have their own merits

18 years is a long time for resentment to build up. You can only fool yourself for so long before you're forced to acknowledge the horrible mistake you made.

What a bizarre thing to say - I have no resentment at all and take a ton of joy in them. I can just also imagine other lives. Just like I imagine the life where Id pursued zoology instead of a business degree…doesn’t mean I regret the career I have, but I can also imagine what might have been.

You were suggesting to go ahead and have kids even if you're not sure about it. That's horrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want kids. I have two. I love them, but I would be happier if I did not have kids.
I don’t think you would be happy being a mom. That incident at old navy is something that can happen every day for years.

This is probably me. But FOMO. You don't know what you don't know. We couldn't get off the fence, I got pregnant accidentally and then we went through a lot to get pregnant a second time because I knew that if I had kids I wanted two. One kid always seemed to me just dipping your toe in and if I did, I was going all in. I read a lot of books pro and con and the one that put me over the edge was Waiting for Daisy. The author's partner wants kids more than she does. His rationale is that having kids is a basic life experience. In the book he says that life is like an amusement park and that he wants to ride all the rides.

Damn, people are so weird about only children.

I agree. I am an only child and I have an only child.

It made for a much more pleasant life.

Just not for everyone around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate most kids but love my own. Remember that you can parent them how you want. If others are annoying, it’s because they were not parented how you would do it. Personalities do matter but most of it is just parenting (no matter what anyone says).

Hard disagree but looks like PP was expecting pushback so no surprise there.

If we are just talking about people letting their kids behave poorly in a restaurant then yes I agree that's a parenting problem. I find kids annoying in hundreds of situations beyond that...

Kids are their own people, not just an extension of you as a parent. There are plenty of good kids with good parents who are definitely annoying, not because something is wrong, but because people are wildly individual and don't always work the same way.

Also, what if your child has special needs, mental illness, etc. and behavior that you find very annoying? It's totally out of your control whether that's part of who they are. Sure, good parenting, therapies and strategies can make a big difference, but kids are sometimes a nuisance and not through any fault of their own. We love them anyway and think they are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like any hard / life altering work (take olympic athlete for example). It alters your life, the path involves more hard days than highlights, the highs are high but most of the time isn’t that, you give up a lot, for many it was still all worth it for the highs / the accomplishment / the purpose. For some it wasn’t worth the work and sacrifice

The research on it is pretty clear - the average people is unhappier than a childfree person, but the happiness peaks are much higher

This isn't good research so your claims are irrelevant

I'm not sure what you mean. People without kids are undoubtedly happier than those with kids. Don't try to drag the OP down with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate most kids but love my own. Remember that you can parent them how you want. If others are annoying, it’s because they were not parented how you would do it. Personalities do matter but most of it is just parenting (no matter what anyone says).

Hard disagree but looks like PP was expecting pushback so no surprise there.

If we are just talking about people letting their kids behave poorly in a restaurant then yes I agree that's a parenting problem. I find kids annoying in hundreds of situations beyond that...

Kids are their own people, not just an extension of you as a parent. There are plenty of good kids with good parents who are definitely annoying, not because something is wrong, but because people are wildly individual and don't always work the same way.

Also, what if your child has special needs, mental illness, etc. and behavior that you find very annoying? It's totally out of your control whether that's part of who they are. Sure, good parenting, therapies and strategies can make a big difference, but kids are sometimes a nuisance and not through any fault of their own. We love them anyway and think they are worth it.

Most parents with kids with significant special needs don't think they're worth it, though.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. Unless you are 100% committed, don’t bring a human who will be completely dependent on you into this world. There are enough bad parents out there, and the consequences are everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ambivalent towards kids. I found all kids annoying and never really sought out relationships with my nephews or other children in my life. I still find most all children annoying including my own - but for my own I have a much more in depth view of them and their annoying behavior. I’m also very motivated to engage with them and help them grow and learn.

All in all I’d definitely say I’m glad I had kids. I’m all in on them (in a healthy way) even though I definitely have days I fantasize about life without them. By the time I had them, I’d traveled the world, had tons of fancy dinners, had tons of relaxing weekends, etc…I definitely miss that phase of life but I don’t think another 40 years of that would have been as exciting as it was.

I don’t believe you have to be 100% certain you want them, I do believe you have to be 100% certain you will make the best life of it and do right by them if you have them. It’s possible to both love your kids deeply and be glad you had them and imagine other paths for your life that would have their own merits

18 years is a long time for resentment to build up. You can only fool yourself for so long before you're forced to acknowledge the horrible mistake you made.

What a bizarre thing to say - I have no resentment at all and take a ton of joy in them. I can just also imagine other lives. Just like I imagine the life where Id pursued zoology instead of a business degree…doesn’t mean I regret the career I have, but I can also imagine what might have been.

You were suggesting to go ahead and have kids even if you're not sure about it. That's horrible advice.

How is it horrible advice when it worked out beautifully for me? Advice is based on personal experience - that is mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like any hard / life altering work (take olympic athlete for example). It alters your life, the path involves more hard days than highlights, the highs are high but most of the time isn’t that, you give up a lot, for many it was still all worth it for the highs / the accomplishment / the purpose. For some it wasn’t worth the work and sacrifice

The research on it is pretty clear - the average people is unhappier than a childfree person, but the happiness peaks are much higher

This isn't good research so your claims are irrelevant

Cope.