This was true of her generation. A "spinster" was relegated to a life of loneliness and fraught financial position. They would even be excluded from family events. Society has changed in ways that your mother does not understand. It's more normalized today to be childless and its a lot easier to "find your tribe" outside of a spouse + kids. The financial aspect of aging can be mitigated with smart planning, more widely available and lower cost financial products, and a long career with diligent saving. |
This seems like 1/2 of my friends that have kids. The other half seem to really enjoy them. You don’t need them to make your life complete. |
But that doesn’t mean you will enjoy your life as a mother, or even being around them. |
I'm 35 and CFBC. I still get people telling me I will change my mind and suddenly become maternal and want kids. I have known I didnt want kids since I was in middle school.
I love my life without kids. I dont think I will ever regret not having children, but what I think I (and others that I've spoken with) long for is the sense of family. It's important to cultivate an active and fulfilling life so you aren't lonely. As pps say, there is no guarantee that your children will take care of you, but if you dont have them as a backup you need to be prepared! I figure the hundreds of thousands (if not more) that I save by not having children should be plenty to keep me taken care of in my later years. What I've heard described (that I've posted on here before), is that CF life is on a scale of 0-10, and parent life is a scale of -10 - 20. Higher highs, but lower lows. I'm betting the joy of seeing your child see new things is amazing! But I also imagine dealing with a SN child 24/7 extremely challenging. Or having your child die before you. If I imagine my life with children, I miiiight be ok with one, NT, well behaved, good child. But if I had a SN kids I don't think I could do it. If I had a "spirited" child, I don't think I could do it. But I cant guarantee what kind of child I will have. So it's better for me, that I stay with what I know I can handle. I've seen so many bad parents, I would never want to be one. |
I was on the fence and now have a 1 and 3 yo. I love being a mom and am blown away that I might’ve opted out of this life. I am a happier person in every respect.
The catch is that my husband is a true partner and we have extensive family help. And we are financially very comfortable. And our kids are developmentally normal/no SNs (for now at least). |
Yep, life with kids is -10 to +20. Without kids, I thought I knew what miserable was, but I was so wrong. You don't know miserable until you have kid miserable. But I'd never felt the joy that I have once having a child. And it feel like the daily swing is much wilder. In my pre-kid days, most days were 3 to 7, nothing too miserable, but nothing super fabulous either. But now, I can go from -3 (cranky kid that is driving you crazy) to +9 (when cranky kid says something hilarious) to +20 (when cranky kid apologizes for being cranky and tells you how much he loves you) back down to +2 (because now he whining about how hungry he is). And all that can happen in 30 mins. |
I would definitely stop going to Old Navy then. |
You have to be willing to accept whatever child you have. I have a family member who was in a really wonderful marriage, loving spouse, etc. Their first child had severe health issues. They were fantastic devoted parents but their entire lives were this child. It destroyed their marriage. I know they don’t regret having him but it’s complicated. |
Tell that to OP. I just reminded her that incidents like that can happen every day. |
Divorce rate for parents of a disabled child is 87%. Divorce rate for parents of a child with autism is 80%. The odds are not in your favor if you have a kid with any major difficulties or neuro divergence. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202302/divorce-and-special-needs-children?amp |
I'm 50, never wanted kids, never had them - and I think ^ this is 100% right. I will say that I do think I'd really enjoy having adult kids - and especially having grandkids. I do feel I will miss out on those experiences - on those relationships. I made the tradeoff of not having that, in exchange for not having to raise kids to get there. |
As someone who is facing family pressure to have kids, thank you very much for writing this. |
You can love your kids but really dislike parenting and your life. It is not a question of love—it is a question of happiness. |
And in such situations, it's usually the mom who gets stuck with the day-to-day hands on care while dad goes AWOL. It would be one thing if you could be guaranteed a (physically, mentally emotionally) healthy, (cognitively) capable child. But since such is not the case, it's probably better not to have any children at all if you're ambivalent about becoming a parent in the first place. |
+1 I prefer them potty trained. When my DD turned 4 is when I began to enjoy parenting. She's 14 now and an absolute delight and such an interesting person. Babies and toddlers are just not my jam as I value my sleep and freedom of movement. |