OP, what’s your vision of an average weekday with four children? Do you expect either of you to be a stay-at-home parent? If so, do you expect the other’s salary to support a family of six? Do you expect to have a very flexible job, to do your full busy half of caring for four kids, meals, cleaning, activities, homework, doc appointments etc etc etc, or to be paid well-enough to have a full-time nanny? Or will your mom move in with you? Have you guys honestly discussed your feelings about these scenarios? |
OP I’m guessing you’re not in dc? I had my you great at 43, and most other friends parents are my age. I don’t feel older or like I have less energy than when I had my first at 38. I actually have a lot more flexibility bc we now have the means to outsource everything that doesn’t directly involve time w/ the kids. I think you’re being ridiculous on the age thing.
I also think there’s a good chance she’ll keep putting this off. School is actually a great time to have a baby. I doubt she’s going to want to get pregnant immediate after when she’s looking for that first big job. It will just spiral from there. I’ve seen it happen many times |
I completely disagree with you. I had kids starting at 25 and now am pregnant at 39. I would never have wanted this if it weren't for the awful infertility journey I've been on. If you have no choice, then yeah that's the only option. But I do agree with you that OP needs to move on. She isn't serious about kids. |
Yep |
The bottom line is no one should feel like they are sacrificing something they aren’t willing to sacrifice in order to be in a relationship. I don’t like to necessarily make it about love because loving someone and being compatible don’t always align. Also, you can always flip any statement around to say well I put being married to this person above having xyz, well they were willing to risk not being with you because they prioritized having xyz. That doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it means the sacrifice of something felt bigger to one person than the other and either you cared less about it or you made your own cost/benefit that you felt okay with what you might be giving up. |
I agree with the poster who said that the best path forward is premarital counseling, with a huge focus on compromise in decision making plus all the assumptions that each of you have baked in about how these next phases of your lives will go - and where your assumptions align with each other (and where they don't).
OP, you are 34, you've been dating for 15 months and yet your plan is to wait an additional 15+ months before you get married. That's also at odds with a "have kids young" plan. Is there a world where she can speed up the start of grad school and begin this fall or in the spring? What if you eloped and got pregnant with kid 1 now, then took a break before kid 2? Or had two kids, then you took on primary parenting while she focused on grad school / career advancement? The bottom line is that you both have a million different ways to compromise - but you are only focused here on your plan and what you want. |
OP here. I’m not entirely sure since I don’t have kids. I can financially support a family by myself but totally cool with her wanting to work and having childcare. We will likely outsource a lot of household chores to maximize family time. |
OP here. I’m not sure where you got waiting an additional 15+ months to get married? We will be getting engaged this summer and marry next year. It will be 8-12 months from engaged to married. |
The way the PP wrote it seems harsh and cynical but truthfully I thought the same thing while reading the OP. I'm sorry, OP. |
I applaud you for switching genders this time. |
Well than she is not the right one for you. Shared goals and interests are very important. Your timelines don't match. I waited to have kids till all our student loans were paid off and we started our medical practice. Again, we talked this over. If you can't have a conversation about this that is also a problem. Be an adult and use your words. |
You have no idea. My births were horrible but pregnancy was not hard at all. I was in my mid and late thirties. Don’t assume pregnancy is hard for most women. Many women have fairly early pregnancies and it is just uncomfortable at the end. |
That is not true at all. She is 32. Fertility cliff at 35 is a myth. |
+1 mid to late thirties is normal to start having kids here |
I had fertility issues at 32. I would recommend she goes to her GYN and get bloodwork to check her fertility. If she’s 32, wait 3 years, best case she’s 36 for first kid. I had my first at 35. Can’t imagine having 3 in a few years. |