Tiger parent's mean comment about my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m in a different time zone than the rest of DCUM. It was not 2 am for me.

To clarify—my DD is not on her phone that much, which is partly whey this comment bothers me so much (I can see her screen time). But I’m more upset that he called her dumb and that she doesn’t “do anything” meaning her grades/extracurriculars. First of all, it’s none of his business. Second, he doesn't know my daughter’s grades (excellent) or what activities my daughter is involved in. Third, even if you have these private conversations/comparisons at home, don’t go blabbing it to the person you’re trashing. My DD is working incredibly hard
in her junior year, thinking about college, and this must have felt awful to hear this. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if this was some random person, but these are our friends. The husband is outwardly kind/respectful, but very competitive. I don’t want to expose my kids to scenarios and people where they are being judged or called stupid/dumb because of this dad’s college admissions criteria.
I don’t want to blow up friendships over this but I am upset for my daughter and want to somehow get across that they should leave my daughter out of their gossip.

Yeah, that's not cool. You're not wrong. I wouldn't want to hang around a person who talked that way about me or my kids. The thing is you're not going to be able to control them talking about your daughter in their home. Your option is to keep your distance, which I would.

[Anonymous]

Op, my giving this so much thought and thinking about how to respond you are not modeling a healthy response.

Someone who is not a major force or decision maker in your life (like a professor or a boss or family member) says something about you that is ridiculous? Laugh it off. "Oh really? He said that? Little does he know! We know that the truth is the opposite. Who's ready for tacos?"

If you feel like your daughter is ruminating about it yourself, and not just feeding on your own rumination, later on you can empathize. "Yeah, it can sting when someone has a misimpression about us."

And if your dd is often on her phone and it's something to work on (as it is for many/most of us here and also for our teens) you could dig a little deeper. "Why do you think he thought you're always on your phone?" Or I'd say honestly, "sometimes being on my phone too much makes me feel a little dumb, and less connected. I'll try to do better, not for that dad or his family, but as a gift to myself and my family."

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your families were made for each other. Go on, calling each other’s kids names.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

Opinions are like belly buttons - everyone has them. And some people are going to share them, even when they should keep their opinions to themselves.

Just focus on raising your kids.

Tell your DS and DD that you're proud of them. Not just because of what they do academically (their AP classes, EC activities etc.) But because of who they ARE. Be specific about what it is that makes you proud. That's what matters most.

Our kids usually don't GAF what other people's parents think of them. They care what their parents think and say. So keep it kind and positive. Keep doing what you're doing to raise great kids. And ignore the rest.

[Anonymous]

To be fair OP, you are also judging their parenting and their kids so it's like tea calling kettle black and he didn't say any of it to your DD. However, you can ask them that their son son said these hurtful things and and look for their response.

[Anonymous]

Raise your kids to have more resilience, OP. If your daughter hears someone say something about her she knows isn't true, it shouldnt' be awful to hear. She should just think "Oh, he's ignorant to think that, poor guy" and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair OP, you are also judging their parenting and their kids so it's like tea calling kettle black and he didn't say any of it to your DD. However, you can ask them that their son said these hurtful things and look for their response.

She’s judging them on an anonymous forum. Not at all the same thing. I’d speak directly to the father. He should apologize to DD. All you let it go posters would ruminate if it was your kid. Show your daughter that she is your priority and deserves respect. Teach her how to command respect in the most disarming way. Describing someone as dumb is very low brow coming from an adult. I think you give this family way too much credit. Mom isn’t a tiger mom, she’s a control freak or a puppet whose husband holds the strings. Dad is a jerk. Make him apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair OP, you are also judging their parenting and their kids so it's like tea calling kettle black and he didn't say any of it to your DD. However, you can ask them that their son said these hurtful things and look for their response.

She’s judging them on an anonymous forum. Not at all the same thing. I’d speak directly to the father. He should apologize to DD. All you let it go posters would ruminate if it was your kid. Show your daughter that she is your priority and deserves respect. Teach her how to command respect in the most disarming way. Describing someone as dumb is very low brow coming from an adult. I think you give this family way too much credit. Mom isn’t a tiger mom, she’s a control freak or a puppet whose husband holds the strings. Dad is a jerk. Make him apologize.

+1

I highly doubt posters here would be ok if a friend's spouse said to the poster's DH "your wife is dumb, I don't want my DW to be like her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair OP, you are also judging their parenting and their kids so it's like tea calling kettle black and he didn't say any of it to your DD. However, you can ask them that their son said these hurtful things and look for their response.

She’s judging them on an anonymous forum. Not at all the same thing. I’d speak directly to the father. He should apologize to DD. All you let it go posters would ruminate if it was your kid. Show your daughter that she is your priority and deserves respect. Teach her how to command respect in the most disarming way. Describing someone as dumb is very low brow coming from an adult. I think you give this family way too much credit. Mom isn’t a tiger mom, she’s a control freak or a puppet whose husband holds the strings. Dad is a jerk. Make him apologize.

All true.

But truly, I would "let it go" if I were OP - for exactly the reason you gave.

This person and his opinions are not worth her time. If I were her, I would not bother seeking an apology or even speaking with him about it. That's what I mean by "let it go."

Why? Because I'd be done with the friendship for now. Sure, I'd be pleasant when I saw him, but I'd back way off. (Was it Maya Angelou who said, When people show you who they are, trust them and act accordingly? I'm all about THAT.)

I'd focus instead on my DD. Validating that what he said was unkind and hurtful, and just plain untrue. All with a gentle reminder that some people are obsessed with their own issues and priorities, and can act like jerks as a result. Even adults who are usually nice. When people feel stressed and insecure, sometimes they act out. That's about THEM, not her. (That mindset is a bit of innoculation and protection from the crazy competitive types in this world. No doubt she'll experience it again with others. So the mindset is good for relilience, I think.)

Anyway, "let it go" is about the relationship with this dad/couple. Let them work out their anxiety/competitiveness re college admissions on their own. You and your family don't need to deal with their stuff. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair OP, you are also judging their parenting and their kids so it's like tea calling kettle black and he didn't say any of it to your DD. However, you can ask them that their son said these hurtful things and look for their response.

She’s judging them on an anonymous forum. Not at all the same thing. I’d speak directly to the father. He should apologize to DD. All you let it go posters would ruminate if it was your kid. Show your daughter that she is your priority and deserves respect. Teach her how to command respect in the most disarming way. Describing someone as dumb is very low brow coming from an adult. I think you give this family way too much credit. Mom isn’t a tiger mom, she’s a control freak or a puppet whose husband holds the strings. Dad is a jerk. Make him apologize.

+1

I highly doubt posters here would be ok if a friend's spouse said to the poster's DH "your wife is dumb, I don't want my DW to be like her."

I wouldn't be ok. Nor would I want to deal with that person's BS.

My response would be to back the hell off the friendship and quietly ghost/drop them. When someone says something that obnoxious, I'm done.

That's my version of "let it go" - drop the rope rather than continue to go back and forth with someone who is that overtly mean.

[Anonymous]

I would not want my daughter to see me accepting that a friend called her dumb, without my standing up for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want my daughter to see me accepting that a friend called her dumb, without my standing up for her.

The kid didn't and OP doesn't actually know what the other family's child said to her other child. It's all hearsay. If she heard it said in her presence she should speak up but there are always misunderstandings with this type of telephone tag.

[Anonymous]

I would actually be more concerned about being friends with people who have no filter and are incredibly rude. Not only that, it is obvious the parents are modeling rude behavior for their child who seems to think it is socially acceptable to critique people he knows TO THEIR FACE.
I mean, who does that?

[Anonymous]

The apple doesnt fall far from the tree with this sort of behavior and mindset. This is why my high-achieving kids aren't friends with the kids of tiger parents. They learned the hard way in middle school that those kids make for toxic friends. Leave the tiger cubs to their little circle of toxic frenemy-ship and incessant competition. Better to make friends with kids who come from supportive homes where high achievement is expected, but is not the sole focus of family life.

[Anonymous]

If N’s family doesn’t have any girls in it, there could also be N’s dad might have limited exposure to teen girls. There are some pretty strong stereotypes about phones and social media and girls that he could be projecting onto your daughter.

N’s dad grew up in an era when smart girls were always depicted as nerdy and ugly and pretty girls were never intellectual. Remember all the ditzy blond jokes? I am not sure the stereotypes have all gone away, sadly.