Bat mitzvah gift etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We are immigrants who were not exposed to the Jewish religion before coming to this country. My DD was invited to a Bat Mitzvah and we googled about it. DD wore a temple-appropriate outfit and we gave money that was a multiple of $18 in a card.

When I went to pick her up, I was quite surprised to see how inappropriately some of the other American non-Jewish girls were dressed. I think it is not hard to read up on these things nowadays and follow the etiquettes of not only gift-giving but how to dress and conduct oneself. Really, there is no excuse.

What is "appropriate dress"? I'm curious to see which bigotry you are applying here. Top #3 guesses so far are mysogyny, chauvinism, and religious supremacy.

NP here but shoulders covered is the norm.

And that's absolutely not something that "Jewish girls" do but "non-Jewish" girls don't. So that would be in the category of "religious supremacy" with a maybe on mysogyny.

HUH?? I'm just saying, it's typical for conservative synagogues to want shoulders covered. Non Jewish kids/families might not know that and send their kid in an otherwise perfectly nice dress.

[Anonymous]

The question the OP had was what is a correct gift, so yes the answers are going to revolve around gifts and the traditional gift is a multiple of $18.

And $18 is absolutely fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throw $20 in a card.

Uh, no. That is undermining all the YEARS of hard work it took to get to this day.

I thought the reward for the years of hard work was the privilege of being able to lead services.

I'm Catholic. My kid got confirmed after 11 years of Catholic school with daily religious education. I can't imagine conveying to him that the point of confirmation was cash gifts, rather than the gift of the Holy Spirit.

You don't NEED to go to Catholic school full time for 11 years to get confirmed.

[Anonymous]

Listen to the posts from actual self-identified parents of recent BM kids- we have all said that any gift is appreciated and fine. You don’t have to give $54, $72, etc. No reasonable family would ever think that.

I gotta think that the posters obnoxiously insisting on these lavish gifts for classmates who aren’t even close friends are just pot stirrers and trolls.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, we attended a Mitzvah for a close family friend's oldest child (this was one of my spouse's closest friend's children) and we gave what I would consider a very generous multiple of 18. I didn't question it given the close nature of their relationship.

When we received the thank you card, it was one line, in pencil. "Thank you for the gift."

Now, I'm not saying he wasn't thankful and it wasn't about the amount (really, it wasn't), but it made me wonder if he just sat down one day and wrote X thank you cards and didn't even know what had been given to him. So, for all of you commenting on the exact amount, I offer this to say - the kid may not ever even know what was in your envelope, $18 or $180.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, we attended a Mitzvah for a close family friend's oldest child (this was one of my spouse's closest friend's children) and we gave what I would consider a very generous multiple of 18. I didn't question it given the close nature of their relationship.

When we received the thank you card, it was one line, in pencil. "Thank you for the gift."

Now, I'm not saying he wasn't thankful and it wasn't about the amount (really, it wasn't), but it made me wonder if he just sat down one day and wrote X thank you cards and didn't even know what had been given to him. So, for all of you commenting on the exact amount, I offer this to say - the kid may not ever even know what was in your envelope, $18 or $180.

As long as kids are becoming adults, maybe they could learn how to write a proper thank-you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tradition is cash gifts in multiples of $18. As the pp mentioned there will likely be a gift table. I'd do $36 or $54.

i would do more to at least cover the cost of the luncheon. DD often would also give a star of David necklace to girls

Is that a thing... you are supposed to cover the cost of attending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to the posts from actual self-identified parents of recent BM kids- we have all said that any gift is appreciated and fine. You don’t have to give $54, $72, etc. No reasonable family would ever think that.

I gotta think that the posters obnoxiously insisting on these lavish gifts for classmates who aren’t even close friends are just pot stirrers and trolls.

I see them as the "look at me doing the thing I read online!" types.