Move Parents to Local Nursing Home or Far Away with Me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read everything here. What I remember is: your Brother has found a place and thinks it's a good idea.

If he can get them there - you stay out of it. He's the one with "boots on the ground". Don't become a sounding board for all your parents worries, hesitations, you'll only add to inaction.

OP here. I too have boots on the ground. I do not live here but I've been here at their house for 3 weeks since Covid hit them and likely another 2-3 weeks till we get things done. I'm here for my parents and for my brother who needs help with them so that he can get solid sleep and work full time. Our other brother told me about this particular nursing home and I was the first one to visit it and make followup calls. I've coordinated the home health aides, palliative care consult, insurance questions, prescription refills, calls to their multiple doctors for various reasons, calls to lawyers, doctor visits this week and next which I will be taking them to via wheelchair. This was the first year I spent Christmas without my own nuclear family. They needed to be with my husband's parents and I needed to be with mine. This was my family's choice and we all understood why it needed to be done but it was not fun. So you can bet I'm staying in it for my parents' sake.

It sounds like you are really contributing...but you live 1000 miles away. It is not the same. My sister moved to the West Coast. She wants to be the boots on the ground person. She visits very often considering the distance but it is different then being right near by. I am the boots on the ground person. I am the one who gets a phone call after the fall and driving to the Dr office visits. She is on the phone afterwards.

[Anonymous]

I want to say that you can still care for them at the end of their lives. If you really want it, it can happen. My grandparents all died having spent the last month in hospice at my mom’s house/their house. She did not live locally but in one case had purchased a home in their city that she renovated. One of them was taken out of a nursing home for her last months, the others had been living at their home.

I think you should go the nursing home route. Or move yourself to their city if you want to care for them.

[Anonymous]

It is very likely they will decline a great deal after the move. Please know this is not because you made the “wrong” choice, or that it would be different if you had made the other choice. It’s because change and moving are very hard on elderly people, especially those with dementia. Their familiar surroundings and routine are probably helping them seem less impaired than they really are.

[Anonymous]

Nursing home with regular visits from family (and friends if they have friends who are still mobile). My mother had to make this decision for her mother - who was an amazingly cheerful and positive person even into her 90s - and there was no way having her at home with my parents would have been tenable. My mother visited my grandmother almost every day, kept her socialized, took her to appointments, and no doubt was the sole reason she lived until 92. However, I think that the stress of the 6 or so years that my mom was intimately involved in my grandmother’s care took a toll on her own health. My mom, who is a busy, active person, seems noticeably older. It’s just so hard. I can’t imagine if she had been at home with my parents full time. Wishing you peace in your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very likely they will decline a great deal after the move. Please know this is not because you made the “wrong” choice, or that it would be different if you had made the other choice. It’s because change and moving are very hard on elderly people, especially those with dementia. Their familiar surroundings and routine are probably helping them seem less impaired than they really are.

NP, and thanks for explaining this. OP's whole family seems very thoughtful and loving, and it's hard to learn that right intention and right action can't fix everything

(I vote for nursing home where they are now)