Move Parents to Local Nursing Home or Far Away with Me?

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read everything here. What I remember is: your Brother has found a place and thinks it's a good idea.

If he can get them there - you stay out of it. He's the one with "boots on the ground". Don't become a sounding board for all your parents worries, hesitations, you'll only add to inaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted in another thread about medicaid asset protection. Look into it so that they can eventually qualify for medicaid without losing all of their assets. When the time comes, you can always ask if you can supplement so they they don’t go to medicaid wing. Also, do NOT sign anything agreeing to be a guarantor at the nursing home.

I am anti-nursing homes as it is a fact that people receive better care and have better outcomes at home. In your case, however, your parents have more social ties in their community and you don’t have the physical means by which to care for them (OP my mom is at home with us in DC with nurse and aides but was living in the south). If you can, I’d hire a HHA or CNA to be at the nursing home with your parents esp in the night when the care falls down. We did this when my mom had a brief stint in a nursing home following an LTAC and it was worth every penny.

Just set up visiting schedules with family and friends and make a plan to travel to see your parents as frequently as possible.

OP here. Thank you for the tips about medicaid asset protection, supplementing, not agreeing to be a guarantor, possibly hiring someone to be with them at nursing home. Appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With you. More opportunities to honor them and get your kids to have a good model for how to treat you

OP here. This is what I would do if the decision was solely up to me. <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please move them with you.

If it were solely up to me, I would have already.
I've had strong feelings my whole adult life about taking care of my parents until the end of their lives as long as I have the ability to do it, and very thankfully I do. Believe it or not, my husband and I discussed this over 20 years ago before we got married and we've always been on the same page about taking care of our parents if needed until death. I (and my husband) have an extraordinary amount of patience with the sick and the elderly, I've been humbly able to help care for my parents during their worst times, and I would be grateful to keep them safe and happy in our home in their final years. However, if mom & dad would rather move to their local nursing home and be closer to the majority of the family, and not have to endure moving 1000 miles to live with us where they know only a handful of people, I do not fault them for that and will respect their wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP here in the post directly above.

[Anonymous]

If you move them to your home, they will need 24/7 care and its very hard with dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read everything here. What I remember is: your Brother has found a place and thinks it's a good idea.

If he can get them there - you stay out of it. He's the one with "boots on the ground". Don't become a sounding board for all your parents worries, hesitations, you'll only add to inaction.

OP here. I too have boots on the ground. I do not live here but I've been here at their house for 3 weeks since Covid hit them and likely another 2-3 weeks till we get things done. I'm here for my parents and for my brother who needs help with them so that he can get solid sleep and work full time. Our other brother told me about this particular nursing home and I was the first one to visit it and make followup calls. I've coordinated the home health aides, palliative care consult, insurance questions, prescription refills, calls to their multiple doctors for various reasons, calls to lawyers, doctor visits this week and next which I will be taking them to via wheelchair. This was the first year I spent Christmas without my own nuclear family. They needed to be with my husband's parents and I needed to be with mine. This was my family's choice and we all understood why it needed to be done but it was not fun. So you can bet I'm staying in it for my parents' sake.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Forgot to add in the above post. Christmas was not fun in the sense that I was apart from my own family for the first time. However--I was and will be forever grateful that I got to spend it with my mom and dad. PRICELESS time with them! Thank you Baby Jesus. <3

[Anonymous]

I moved my mom at age 82 with early stage Alzheimer’s across the country to be closer to me and I would not recommend it in your case with significantly older and more impaired parents. Being close to the rest of the family and friends and in a familiar neighborhood will be important (my mom still misses her friends but not her house). Also caring for two elderly ailing parents with dementia/mobility issues at once can be much more difficult. Caregivers come and go so a larger facility should have back up.

10k/Mo for 2 in skilled nursing is a steal. We pay 7k/mo for assisted living with medication management and I hire someone to help her bathe and organize her clothes, laundry etc on top of that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what you're going through Op. I don't think you have come on here wanting advice but discussing is therapeutic, so that's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With you. More opportunities to honor them and get your kids to have a good model for how to treat you

OP here. This is what I would do if the decision was solely up to me. <3

This sounds good, but it isn’t realistic. Think about having a newborn only it can walk - how will you shower if you can’t leave them alone? How will you go to the store? You will miss your children’s games, birthday dinners, graduations once your parents find going to new places overwhelming. Elder care sitters are impossible to find or very expensive once/if they become violent or suicidal. Dementia changes what you are taking on significantly.

Your parents wouldn’t want to cause that much trouble, surely.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a ton of good, thoughtful info in this thread. A ton. First, thank Bro 1 again for everything he has done for your parents and for you siblings. Second, appreciate, if you haven’t done so, that you have three siblings with whom you can make decisions. Not always that way (I was lucky too). Third, get the double POA (2 siblings) done stat. Like yesterday. Fourth, I’m in the nursing home camp for sundry reasons, including that many facilities will no longer admit patients straight in as a Medicaid patient. They want residents as private pay for awhile then apply for Medicaid. Don’t underestimate how difficult this can be. Also, there are benefits to residing in a nursing home where they may end up knowing other residents, staff, etc. If we had been able to swing it, I would have had our mom move to a memory care unit in a nearby state where she could’ve been with siblings, cousins, and childhood friends. Where she ended up also had some of these benefits and she flourished with the increased socialization after living alone for 2 years.

OP, as many have said, there are not wrong decisions here. Some, however, may make life smoother for all of you over the long run. GL!

[Anonymous]

Nursing home. You’re a wonderful daughter, but a variety of frequent visitors is a boon for your parents as they adjust to a new setting and settle in (and beyond). Plus, having a full staff to rely upon is better care than you alone can provide.

[Anonymous]

What ever you do they will complain because it is a change and a step closer to their demise. It will also take some adjusting. $10k a month for two people in a dementia area of a nursing home is very cheap. Keep them in the area where they will have the most people looking after them. You are a single thread.

Your reasoning for not wanting brother 1 to be POA seems to stem from anxiety and not facts. The facts are that brother 1 has been a caring son thus far. Make an effort to get to know his fiancé.

This is a hard transition for everyone. It seems like your parents are surrounded by loving caring children and extended family willing to step forward. This means people can take turns and not get burned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for the nursing home. Getting parents to your home will take a huge toll for many reasons. Plus, very quickly, I believe, they will need more care than you can physically provide. You will either have to bring help in or find a nursing home near you.

As to POA, I would have it established now that you share it with whichever brother gets it. My sibling and I have POA for our 90s parents. Also, you need Medical Power of Attorney as well--and is almost more important in the high care years.

This. With both POA and Medical POA two agents can be named or one of you named primary agent and the second as back up (if the primary steps down as agent).
Also, and I urge you to seriously consider this as time is an issue: no attorney that is honest and of quality will draft these documents for your parents if one of them has dementia or is determined to be not able to understand, and I mean FULLY understand, the paperwork they are signing. An attorney can be disbarred (and should be) if they do. Time is critical here. You need to get that paperwork done stat.

This is a lot OP. Good luck to you and your family.

OP here. Thank you for pointing out this important necessity. I need to double check their paperwork and ask my brothers if there already are POAs in place (not that I know of). Dementia care place says they each need a POA before admission.
2 POA agents would be good for our situation, but I wonder what happens if a disagreement comes up.
Also- if it's too late for an attorney to draw up documents due to parents cognitive issues, what happens now if there is no POA and no medical POA in place? Who can make decisions for them?

If no POA, you’ll have to go through the guardianship court process which is a PITA.