the stuff of COPS shows ....

[Anonymous]

OP I feel so sad for you that this happened but have to second PP. I think the reality is that your parents are upset at both your brother and your husband and want to be alone to process their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around your violent husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around your violent husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around your violent husband.

Get a clue instead of rolling your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again.

My parents and I have largely continued to be in normal contact with each other, but we have not discussed the incident.

DH and I have started family therapy, have done 4 sessions or so, including anger management. I reached out to my parents to say DH and I want to visit to apologize for our role in the event, they said they are not interested in revisiting it. They have not spoken to DH.

They live in the DC area, but have told us they plan to spend Christmas alone this year and we should enjoy time with just me, Dh and the kids. I said I understand if my brother plans to visit and they want space, they said that he is not coming.

I think they feel torn and guilty, that spending time with us would hurt my out-of-state brother who is alone for the holidays and look like everyone is having fun without him. My parents are in their 70s, and I think every yr could be their last Christmas and I hate the idea of them isolating themselves to keep the peace somehow. DH and I have hoped they would be with us.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around your violent husband.

Exactly this. You seem to think you are the normal, well-adjusted one but you and your DH obviously aren’t. I imagine your parents will want to keep their distance from their two awful children for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 9 yr old was a sobbing mess and blaming himself for not being smarter, causing the whole thing, worried his behavior would land his father in jail.

DH urged me to go back and tell my brother I loved him before we hit the road ... as I approached the door I heard my brother again blaming my 9 yr old for the incident .... which made me even sicker. A grown man blaming an elementary schooler for this hot mess.

My parents, at least now, can afford to pay for their own existence and his but it upsets me to see how he feels no guilt over this.

Your poor kiddo. I'm sure you already did, but make sure you reassure him that NONE of this was his fault, and that your husband shouldn't have confronted your brother in that way, but he made a bad decision because he was upset. I would make sure that your son understands that you and your husband will protect him from this kind of scene in the future by choosing to no longer spend time with your brother. I grew up in a volatile family like this... one incident won't scar your child, especially if you talk to him about it, but repeated exposure, hoping that it won't happen the next time (and it will...) will absolutely hurt your child. I'm sorry your holiday ended up this way.

NP. +1 to the above. Plus: Your brother needs to be out of your life, OP. And I'm sorry some PPs are painting your husband as some kind of violent monster; I don't think what you describe reaches that level, and I also would have you ask yourself: Any chance your brother has other resentments toward your DH and you, and that's why he was SO quick to call the cops? I'll get reamed for saying that, but I think brother was itching for confrontation and your DH unfortunately gave him one. Focus on reassuring your child. I also see your post where you mention being sad about not seeing your parents on Christmas, but please try to let that go this year. Don't focus so much on "it could be their last Christmas" etc. Instead, plan to see them at times which are not holidays, not freighted with holiday emotional baggage, and never see them if brother might be there.

I note too that you mentioned early on that you helped get your brother into rehab or treatment--? It sounds as if you've tried to take a helpful role in his life but sadly it's time to let that go. I'm sorry for his kids. But your own kids come first at this point.

[Anonymous]

These kids are doomed. Surrounded by trash on all sides.

[Anonymous]

Why haven’t you blocked his number? And I’d figure out a way to block him on your parents phone too.

[Anonymous]

Your entire family sounds pretty f’d up. Your parents are classic enablers and your Dh sounds immature. A sh*tshow from top to bottom and kids are stuck in the middle.