the stuff of COPS shows ....

[Anonymous]

My younger brother (divorced, unemployed for most of the past 5 years and visiting alone with his child) and I got into a parenting argument after a minor spat between our kids (age 9 and 6). The lengthy backstory is my 40-something-year-old brother's life is a mess and he is routinely verbally abusive to my parents and me about how things have turned out for him, texting me about how disgusting I am, how selfish I am, what a d*ck I am, how he blames me for his divorce (not sharing some concerns his ex-wife had about his behavior) and our parents moving to be closer to me (which was encouraged by him and his now ex wife at the time because they didn't want to help aging parents). DH and I generally try to let his rants roll off our shoulders, my parents try not to engage him either as they feel sorry for him (and are currently paying all his bills).

Flash forward: His 6-yr-old spent much of his time over Tgiving wknd crying if things didn't go his way while my brother would snip at my kids who are 2 to 3.5 yrs older than his. After letting his younger cousin win for several days straight in Matchbox car races, football, baseball, foot races and cards, my 9-year-old did a minor d*ck thing in a board game and encouraged the 6 yr old to make a certain move, which resulted in my son winning. Tears and hysterics ensue, my brother accuses our mom and me of "psychologically damaging his child for life" because my 9-year-old had "conned" his child and his child was not used to being "deceived by family."

After a brief cooling-off period, I sent my 9-year-old to apologize for tricking the 6-year-old.

While the kids were working things out, my brother told me his child had no problem losing, but was upset about the "deceit." I told him that was clearly untrue, and he needed to nip the sore loser thing in the bud or it will cause problems at school/with friends. My brother then snapped and called me an a**hole and a "human piece of garbage" in front of my parents who stood there silently. DH enters the room and bellows, I need to have a word with you... my brother retreats to his bedroom and slams door in DH's face. DH opens the door and pins my brother to the wall and says "you have no right to speak to my wife this way."

I scream at them to stop. DH storms out. Brother calls the police to report DH for assault. Cops come to vacation home, ultimately leave since no injuries or damage occurred..... DH, my kids and I leave early. Beat that DCUM -- and where do I go from here?

[Anonymous]

You never invite your brother ever again. It's too bad for his kids, but your nuclear family comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You never invite your brother ever again. It's too bad for his kids, but your nuclear family comes first.

This.

Any history of bipolar, ADHD, etc. where meds might make a difference?

I feel sorry for your parents, too, if your brother didn't have kids it would be easier.

[Anonymous]

how he blames me for his divorce (not sharing some concerns his ex-wife had about his behavior)

I was confused by this bit.

So he has been unemployed for most of his child's life?

If he wants to turn it around a neuropsych eval might help. He may have a few treatable things going on.

Or he might like living on your parents' dime and playing the victim too much to give it up.

I'd stay far away.

[Anonymous]

Ex wife believes my brother is bipolar, had him on meds for several years. When she left him and I got him into outpatient full-day counseling, the psychiatrist said he believed my brother had been misdiagnosed: not bipolar but rather depression/anxiety/addiction (to alcohol and weed, which I didn't think people could be addicted to weed but...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You never invite your brother ever again. It's too bad for his kids, but your nuclear family comes first.

This and your husband rocks.

[Anonymous]

He talk to his kids the way he talks to you and probably their mom?

Wow, OP. So sorry. How are DH and the kids? Glad someone stood up for you.

Your brother is some piece of work. Speaking of work, what did he do before? Is he on drugs?

Can your parents afford his bills and their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex wife believes my brother is bipolar, had him on meds for several years. When she left him and I got him into outpatient full-day counseling, the psychiatrist said he believed my brother had been misdiagnosed: not bipolar but rather depression/anxiety/addiction (to alcohol and weed, which I didn't think people could be addicted to weed but...)

Was he able to work when medicated for bipolar? If so, that would be a place to start.

What a mess, so sorry, OP, but great job by DH. Someone had to say it. In a language a bully understands.

[Anonymous]

You cut your brother out of your life. He called the cops on your DH for standing up to his verbal abuse, which could have threatened your DH’s livelihood had he been arrested. Hell no would this person be any part of my or my family’s life.

[Anonymous]

He does not speak to his child like that, or his ex wife (she was on a pedestal, was main priority in his life so her leaving was about the worst thing to ever happen to him).

He is still hand feeding his 6 yr old (holding up food to his mouth, applesauce pouches etc) and more or less treating him like a toddler, I do feel for him as solo parenting is harder than I can ever imagine I'm sure, but clearly infantilizing a schoolage child is not good.

He was very successful in finance for big name companies, after maximum 2 yrs there is always a blow up of some sort and he is unemployed again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You never invite your brother ever again. It's too bad for his kids, but your nuclear family comes first.

This and your husband rocks.

Sorry that happened, OP. I don’t think your husband’s behavior rocks - It is not appropriate (or legal) to use physical aggression to counter words, but I’m glad that no one was hurt and the police recognized this. How are your kids after seeing this? Especially the 9 year old; not his fault but some kids could see it that way.

[Anonymous]

The 9 yr old was a sobbing mess and blaming himself for not being smarter, causing the whole thing, worried his behavior would land his father in jail.

DH urged me to go back and tell my brother I loved him before we hit the road ... as I approached the door I heard my brother again blaming my 9 yr old for the incident .... which made me even sicker. A grown man blaming an elementary schooler for this hot mess.

My parents, at least now, can afford to pay for their own existence and his but it upsets me to see how he feels no guilt over this.

[Anonymous]

Your brother's mental illness is such that he will always blame someone else, even a child. Please do not contact him again. He will trigger another dramatic episode.

I sure hope his kids are usually with their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 9 yr old was a sobbing mess and blaming himself for not being smarter, causing the whole thing, worried his behavior would land his father in jail.

DH urged me to go back and tell my brother I loved him before we hit the road ... as I approached the door I heard my brother again blaming my 9 yr old for the incident .... which made me even sicker. A grown man blaming an elementary schooler for this hot mess.

My parents, at least now, can afford to pay for their own existence and his but it upsets me to see how he feels no guilt over this.

I do not understand how it is even a question whether this person should be in your life. I’m going to guess your brother got the way he is because you all enabled him. This is block his number, refuse to engage with him behavior and you are dithering about it.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is a piece of work but your DH should not have laid hands on him.