Are your kids friends with one another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to totally hijack OP’s thread, but does anyone have a kid with SNs who ended up becoming close with their sibling at one point? I have 2 elementary school boys, the youngest (1st grade) has pretty severe ADHD and mild ASD that cause a lot of admittedly annoying behaviors that drive my 3rd grader nuts. I try to teach my older DS to have empathy for his brother’s struggles, but I think he’s still too young to fully get why his brother is different.

I’m holding out hope with therapies and possibly meds we can stabilize the younger one and our boys will eventually become closer, but maybe that is just a fantasy? They have such very different personalities and energy so I just don’t know.

Not my kids, but I was the older sibling in this situation. I would say yes, of course he needs empathy, but I would also give the older one opportunities to be independent from the younger sibling and kind of do their own thing when needed. Also, one on one time with you. It's a LOT to deal with that goes beyond a sibling relationship with two NT kids. For even the best of parents, I think there is a tendency towards, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" and while you just might be trying to stabilize the younger to get them up to par, it's still attention the older is not receiving and that can cause resentment. It's hard to develop a close relationship with someone who can go from fun playing to a breakdown in the blink of an eye or some other really annoying behaviors. If they can tolerate together time and the older may be be mature enough to separate and find their own thing to do while you handle the younger one, I think that's fine.

My sibling is stabilized and a pretty delightful person generally, but still has moments. As you said, very different personalities and energies. As adults, we like hanging out together with our families, there are no major issues, and we genuinely enjoy each others company, but the idea of being best friends or picking up the phone to call the younger for life advice is anathema to me. We love each other, but the on the phone 3x a day sibling relationship is probably not in the cards. I consider this to be a pretty good overall result!

[Anonymous]

I think fighting may be better than complete indifference... I do have to say, when my kids do something together, my heart absolutely melts. They have a complicated relationship, but are certainly not indifferent to each other. A lot really does depend on personalities of the family members.

[Anonymous]

My girls are 2 years apart. When they were younger they were great playmates, but when the oldest started middle school that changed. She didn't want her sister around and I think to some degree was jealous of her because she was more social. They're in college now and seem to be more distant than ever. They have completely different personalities so I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm really close to my sister and it hurts that I don't think my daughters will ever have that kind of relationship with each other.

[Anonymous]

Two boys, 3.5 years apart, now 11 and 14. They have always been friends. I think it’s just random though. My older one is a generally nice and fair person, and we were told by every nursery/preschool teacher that my younger one was “mature for his age”, which I now realize was code for “doesn’t hit, bite, snatch, knock over other kids’ toys as much as the average toddler”. So that really helped them get along. When they were young, like 6/7 and 3/4 years old, they could play happily for hours together without any crying.

I really think it’s luck of the draw. For most families I know, it’s really a question of “how annoying is the younger one to the older one(s)”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to totally hijack OP’s thread, but does anyone have a kid with SNs who ended up becoming close with their sibling at one point? I have 2 elementary school boys, the youngest (1st grade) has pretty severe ADHD and mild ASD that cause a lot of admittedly annoying behaviors that drive my 3rd grader nuts. I try to teach my older DS to have empathy for his brother’s struggles, but I think he’s still too young to fully get why his brother is different.

I’m holding out hope with therapies and possibly meds we can stabilize the younger one and our boys will eventually become closer, but maybe that is just a fantasy? They have such very different personalities and energy so I just don’t know.

Not my kids, but I was the older sibling in this situation. I would say yes, of course he needs empathy, but I would also give the older one opportunities to be independent from the younger sibling and kind of do their own thing when needed. Also, one on one time with you. It's a LOT to deal with that goes beyond a sibling relationship with two NT kids. For even the best of parents, I think there is a tendency towards, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" and while you just might be trying to stabilize the younger to get them up to par, it's still attention the older is not receiving and that can cause resentment. It's hard to develop a close relationship with someone who can go from fun playing to a breakdown in the blink of an eye or some other really annoying behaviors. If they can tolerate together time and the older may be be mature enough to separate and find their own thing to do while you handle the younger one, I think that's fine.

My sibling is stabilized and a pretty delightful person generally, but still has moments. As you said, very different personalities and energies. As adults, we like hanging out together with our families, there are no major issues, and we genuinely enjoy each others company, but the idea of being best friends or picking up the phone to call the younger for life advice is anathema to me. We love each other, but the on the phone 3x a day sibling relationship is probably not in the cards. I consider this to be a pretty good overall result!

Thank you for this perspective. We do try to make sure the older one gets to do his own thing a lot (he has his own set of friends, we sign them up for different summer camps, he’s involved in travel soccer, etc.). But we could get better about 1:1 time. It feels like the time we spend with him is usually shuttling him to an activity and I’m going to look into building more 1:1 downtime like going out to lunch together or something.

I’m glad to hear you have a decent relationship with your sibling and can hang out around family. When I found out I was having a second boy, just 2 years apart I had all these fantasies of them being good friends, best man in each other’s weddings, etc., but maybe I need more realistic goals like just being amicable adults who respect each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to totally hijack OP’s thread, but does anyone have a kid with SNs who ended up becoming close with their sibling at one point? I have 2 elementary school boys, the youngest (1st grade) has pretty severe ADHD and mild ASD that cause a lot of admittedly annoying behaviors that drive my 3rd grader nuts. I try to teach my older DS to have empathy for his brother’s struggles, but I think he’s still too young to fully get why his brother is different.

I’m holding out hope with therapies and possibly meds we can stabilize the younger one and our boys will eventually become closer, but maybe that is just a fantasy? They have such very different personalities and energy so I just don’t know.

Not my kids, but I was the older sibling in this situation. I would say yes, of course he needs empathy, but I would also give the older one opportunities to be independent from the younger sibling and kind of do their own thing when needed. Also, one on one time with you. It's a LOT to deal with that goes beyond a sibling relationship with two NT kids. For even the best of parents, I think there is a tendency towards, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" and while you just might be trying to stabilize the younger to get them up to par, it's still attention the older is not receiving and that can cause resentment. It's hard to develop a close relationship with someone who can go from fun playing to a breakdown in the blink of an eye or some other really annoying behaviors. If they can tolerate together time and the older may be be mature enough to separate and find their own thing to do while you handle the younger one, I think that's fine.

My sibling is stabilized and a pretty delightful person generally, but still has moments. As you said, very different personalities and energies. As adults, we like hanging out together with our families, there are no major issues, and we genuinely enjoy each others company, but the idea of being best friends or picking up the phone to call the younger for life advice is anathema to me. We love each other, but the on the phone 3x a day sibling relationship is probably not in the cards. I consider this to be a pretty good overall result!

Thank you for this perspective. We do try to make sure the older one gets to do his own thing a lot (he has his own set of friends, we sign them up for different summer camps, he’s involved in travel soccer, etc.). But we could get better about 1:1 time. It feels like the time we spend with him is usually shuttling him to an activity and I’m going to look into building more 1:1 downtime like going out to lunch together or something.

I’m glad to hear you have a decent relationship with your sibling and can hang out around family. When I found out I was having a second boy, just 2 years apart I had all these fantasies of them being good friends, best man in each other’s weddings, etc., but maybe I need more realistic goals like just being amicable adults who respect each other.

DP, but kindly, you have to let this thinking go. It's what we all hope for, but is never a guarantee with any siblings. My younger sibling also had challenges (not SN, but mental health issues) and it's very hard to pivot to a close adult relationship when you've spent your entire childhood keeping that unstable sibling at arms length for self protection. You really can't be close to someone who's reactions and emotions are unpredictable and can turn on a dime, and even after they stabilize (if they ever do), there's a lot of engrained dynamics that are hard to overcome. My sister is also stable now and a much better person than anyone expected, and she (as the younger one and the one that wasn't on the receiving end) really wants a close friend relationship. I try hard to focus on the shared history, family temperament similarities, benefit to our kids, and just appreciating how hard she continues to work on herself and grow. But it's a new friendship, not one with decades of shared history from childhood, and by the time she stabilized, I already had my long term emotional support people in childhood friends and my DH. So I'm her go-to person, but she won't ever be mine. That's okay, and still better than what I thought we'd have when we were in our 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to totally hijack OP’s thread, but does anyone have a kid with SNs who ended up becoming close with their sibling at one point? I have 2 elementary school boys, the youngest (1st grade) has pretty severe ADHD and mild ASD that cause a lot of admittedly annoying behaviors that drive my 3rd grader nuts. I try to teach my older DS to have empathy for his brother’s struggles, but I think he’s still too young to fully get why his brother is different.

I’m holding out hope with therapies and possibly meds we can stabilize the younger one and our boys will eventually become closer, but maybe that is just a fantasy? They have such very different personalities and energy so I just don’t know.

My DD has ASD (level 1) with aggressive behaviors that were extremely frequent and stressful on the family when she was younger. Her three years' older brother really struggled to understand her behavior and felt very hurt and confused by how she treated us. There was a period of time when DD started K that was SO traumatizing for everyone, I worried it was going to ruin their relationship for good. Meds and ABA for DD helped, as did therapy for the whole family. They are very close now, and when they squabble and fight it's really like "normal" sibling stuff. This year's summer vacation (ages 9 and 12) DH and I felt like - why are we even here? DD and DS only wanted to hang out together. There are times when DS prefers to watch a movie with DD rather than go out with friends. I don't know what the teen years will bring, but it was very hard for me to imagine this kind of stability when they were younger, so I hope the same for you.

[Anonymous]

We have four 9, 11, 13, and 15. They are all friends, but the middle two are super super close. The oldest has level 1 ASD and can be difficult to get along with.

The flip side is that, except for my youngest, my kids don’t really have any outside friends. I mean, they go to school and do activities with other kids, but their siblings are their best friends.

[Anonymous]

I think mine are friendly but not friends. Each one is different from others. That's fine as that's why one can have siblings AND friends, not necessarily to have both in same person. As long as they can have each other's back when really needed, they've their value, don't need to attend concerts or play intramural sports with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are close, but we push that. We will assign two to make dinner together, assign two to clean up after dinner together, assign two to fold a basket of clean clothes, to strip and remake the beds, to clean out the fridge, etc. We also have them all doing homework in the same room. So it's natural for one to ask another to help them study, to ask the others to listen to them give a presentation they have to do at school, etc.

This is very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think fighting may be better than complete indifference... I do have to say, when my kids do something together, my heart absolutely melts. They have a complicated relationship, but are certainly not indifferent to each other. A lot really does depend on personalities of the family members.

Yup. Fighting isn't all bad, shows they are hard headed but close enough to butt heads.

[Anonymous]

I think gender and age difference also matters. If older left home for college and stayed away for professional school and job and other sibling went to another state, it puts lot of space between them, compared to ones who stayed in same town and attended same colleges.

[Anonymous]

You can't force friendship......only creates resentment and frustration

[Anonymous]

My kids have gotten closer as they get older, for sure, and one has pretty signficant ADHD. I think they understand each other more than they used to when they were kids.

I really liked the book Siblings without Rivalry - some things in there that are recommended that I was doing "wrong" because I thought I was promoting their relationship but I was actually making it worse. I would read for good ideas...

[Anonymous]

I think this is par for the course. I actually think it's weird for 2 opposite gendered kids 2-3 years apart to be each other's best friends, seriously. I have friends with 2 who are like this and I'm always wondering what is wrong with their kids. Seriously. In the real world, you are going to find that you're not going to be friends everyone. Having it at home is almost practice to how you manage relationships. It's not pretty esp for mom and dad but on some level, for the kids, it's not the end of the world. I also think that between being kids and adults is a lot of years. You have no idea how the relationships at one time or another might progress.

My mom is the oldest of 5 and they were all pretty close. Around the time of 30s to 40s, they all started drifting away from each other (this is post their parents' passings so I do think that had something to do with things) and now in their 60s/70s, they don't have much to do with each other. My mom recently passed away and nobody came for her ceremony albeit they were all out of country.

DH just about tortured his older brother of 3 1/2 years to no end. Just like my DD tortures her brother (they are about 2 1/2 years apart) but I know that at 11 and 13 this could well be just a phase. It's her personality and DH now and his bro are tight. So you see, you really don't know how things will turn out but as kids, you gotta let them be kids I think.