I can’t seem to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my father was cheating when l was 21 (l saw him kissing the other woman in our house, she was a “friend” of the family). I never got over it, l cut him off emotionally although after a while l kept a “polite” relationship with him; he was as dead to me.
I mean the person l thought he was had never existed so it cast a dark shadow backwards to the entirety of my life with him as his child. Everything was fake.

They told me l would regret it when he died but when he did die suddenly, all l felt was relief that the material reality now matched the emotional reality.

*he was never truly remorseful, sad about consequences but always believed he “deserved” the affair because my mother wasn’t good enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people respond to these types of posts with these definitive answers as to what they would do in the situation - divorce, of course! Most of them think they know what they’d do, but life is complicated. Check back with us in ten years, and tell us your marriage was perfect - half of you shaming this woman will either be divorced or cheated on. I’d take my chance with a truly remorseful spouse who loves me and treats me well over being a lonely 50 year old

You can be alone snd not feel lonely at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my father was cheating when l was 21 (l saw him kissing the other woman in our house, she was a “friend” of the family). I never got over it, l cut him off emotionally although after a while l kept a “polite” relationship with him; he was as dead to me.
I mean the person l thought he was had never existed so it cast a dark shadow backwards to the entirety of my life with him as his child. Everything was fake.

They told me l would regret it when he died but when he did die suddenly, all l felt was relief that the material reality now matched the emotional reality.

*he was never truly remorseful, sad about consequences but always believed he “deserved” the affair because my mother wasn’t good enough

I hope you mature enough to see that your whole life with him wasn’t fake. It was two realities at once, both of which were true.

Btw I don’t think any children ever really understand their parents love lives whether married or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my father was cheating when l was 21 (l saw him kissing the other woman in our house, she was a “friend” of the family). I never got over it, l cut him off emotionally although after a while l kept a “polite” relationship with him; he was as dead to me.
I mean the person l thought he was had never existed so it cast a dark shadow backwards to the entirety of my life with him as his child. Everything was fake.

They told me l would regret it when he died but when he did die suddenly, all l felt was relief that the material reality now matched the emotional reality.

*he was never truly remorseful, sad about consequences but always believed he “deserved” the affair because my mother wasn’t good enough

So sorry you went thru this PP. TBH, this is how I felt as the wife - couldn’t get over it, could see that he had been creating an image of love to manipulate me, and he never was able to recognize and apologize for the damage he did (just sad about the price he paid due to his actions).

My exH is still alive and I basically grey/yellow rock him - limited, polite interaction & only what is absolutely necessary.

I too feel only relief that he is out of my life, and I will not shed a tear or feel any sadness when he passes.

To those who say my reaction is too hardh and everything wasn’t fake, just 2 realities in which he lived both people - I think you may never have met a person like this - a person who was described by his psychiatrist to me as a psychopath or sociopath - someone who had absolutely no ability to feel empathy or put other people in front of his own needs. A person who could and would lie easily to accomplish whatever he felt he needed.

Again, sorry you experienced the child’s side of this, PP, but thank you for expressing. I can see in my own kids that it is very confusing to have a parent who lies so easily and has so little empathy. I hope you have some peace. Therapy helped me understand my situation and my puzzlement.