Anybody raising a loser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

Is that true? Where I live there is a big regional vo tech that offers many different options, a healthcare high school (and it's serious, the students do dual enrollment classes at at our state university), a tech trades high school, a building trades high school, a high school that's more focused on humanities learning but incorporates work into the curriculum and students complete multiple internships, my kid's high school has vocational pre-engineering, architecture, design, and computer science tracks). If your child isn't pursuing vocational education you may have some selection bias about what is available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

Most places still have this. Loudoun does. It’s called MATA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm raising a severely ADHD kiddo, who actually DOES have academic and career goals. But he can't drive to save his life, is late everywhere, and needs extended time to hand in work.

Perhaps you've entirely missed learning disabilities, anxiety or depression in your own child, and given the way you communicate here, they're not going to share any inner turmoil with you.

Way to be a failed parent, OP.

Not to hijack, but how are you/he managing the driving? Is he taking any special classes, etc? My child us the same.

DP. We have a child with mental health issues, ADHD, and some other disabilities. We don’t allow him to drive. We either drive him or he takes public transportation. We offered him a bike and he did that for awhile but isn’t right now. We have three drivers in the family and everyone of us helps out whenever we can. It’s tough not to be able to drive so we try to support him as much as we can.

[Anonymous]

Only on DCUM is every child a winner. I doubt OP is calling her DC a loser to their face but as a parent, especially a mom, sometimes you just know.

OP, if your kid is older (16+), advise and let go. You can lead a horse to water ... But sometimes people just need to fail to understand that effort is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

MCPS has a vo- tech school. I thought vo-techs were pretty prevalent. I know tons of kids who take that route. In fact it can be pretty competitive to get in.

[Anonymous]

I was. Extreme Executive Dysfunction. Just as you describe, OP. Failed out of college. No goals, depressed about his difference from other friends who were high achievers. K-12 was hard, and worsened the older he got. Almost hopeless.

The rules were: after failing out of college-- full-time school (trade, CC, whatever) or work, and as long as he did those he could live at home, rent-free.

With time he realized he had to own his situation, and better himself. It HAS to come from within. He saw the dead-end he was living in, and challenged himself in the USMC. That, and a few more years, he's back in college. He won't have a degree until he's 30 probably. But he owns it now. He is proud of himself, feels hope and positivity for his future. This is what is meant by a late bloomer. It is the definition of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was. Extreme Executive Dysfunction. Just as you describe, OP. Failed out of college. No goals, depressed about his difference from other friends who were high achievers. K-12 was hard, and worsened the older he got. Almost hopeless.

The rules were: after failing out of college-- full-time school (trade, CC, whatever) or work, and as long as he did those he could live at home, rent-free.

With time he realized he had to own his situation, and better himself. It HAS to come from within. He saw the dead-end he was living in, and challenged himself in the USMC. That, and a few more years, he's back in college. He won't have a degree until he's 30 probably. But he owns it now. He is proud of himself, feels hope and positivity for his future. This is what is meant by a late bloomer. It is the definition of it.

What a great story!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m raising a child with significant executive functioning issues, which aren’t his fault.

+1. My 14 yr old DD despite everything at her disposal and our constant encouragement, has zero drive, zero ambition, zero passions and also has ADHD and severe executive functioning (which she refuses to work on). She is happy as a lark, has tons of friends, very popular, floats around as though everything will work out magically, but I do worry about it. I wouldn't call her a loser by any sense, but her lack of ambition and drive keep me up at night. I hope she finds something ANYTHING that will spark her interest and inspire her to put some effort in.

[Anonymous]

My Dad sounds like OP. I’m the oldest child, with a brother in the middle and then a sister is the youngest. My dad used to say things like our sister is the best, I’m ok, and our brother is the worst and lazy. Not motivating!!!

My brother almost failed grade 10 math. It’s true he was unmotivated, but my dad made it worse. My brother found his way eventually. He’s not dumb or lazy. He got a bachelors and masters in business and is now more successful than my dad ever was. Amazing for a kid who almost failed in high school. He is a great dad but will never fully get over the way our dad treated him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was. Extreme Executive Dysfunction. Just as you describe, OP. Failed out of college. No goals, depressed about his difference from other friends who were high achievers. K-12 was hard, and worsened the older he got. Almost hopeless.

The rules were: after failing out of college-- full-time school (trade, CC, whatever) or work, and as long as he did those he could live at home, rent-free.

With time he realized he had to own his situation, and better himself. It HAS to come from within. He saw the dead-end he was living in, and challenged himself in the USMC. That, and a few more years, he's back in college. He won't have a degree until he's 30 probably. But he owns it now. He is proud of himself, feels hope and positivity for his future. This is what is meant by a late bloomer. It is the definition of it.

The Marine Corps in particular both challenges and provides a brotherhood that many young men need. They thrive there because of both aspects. The Corps becomes your family and your career. It's not for everyone, but it's definitely worth consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

They are still common place. APS has votech too. It's just you're in some kind of bubble where you don't know kids doing it.

I will say where I grew up there was only one high school for the whole town so the votech kids and college-track kids were all together and in these large districts that's not necessarily the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

MCPS has a vo- tech school. I thought vo-techs were pretty prevalent. I know tons of kids who take that route. In fact it can be pretty competitive to get in.

Sounds like Baltimore city could use more VoTechs, because:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1112689.page

- doesn’t appear likely any of the kids in these 23 schools are headed for college.

And not going to college is OK! I wish more people would acknowledge college is not for every teen.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a really confusing question. I mean, how old is the kid? If he's 12 or 13 then I'm not sure what you are expecting and why he can't just enjoy his childhood. If he's 18 and not interested in going to college and just laying around your house eating junk food, then I get your concern, but you'd be asking the wrong question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad everyone jumped on your use of the word loser.

I'd like to hear actual advice.

- not OP

I’ll try. I’m raising a kid who isn’t interested in school and doesn’t care if he passes or fails. He’s not motivated or pushed by consequences and will dig in further. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and does minimal things around the house.

We constantly try not to engage him in power struggles that will make things worse. Sometimes we let him fail because we have no choice since we can’t make him do the work but it’s also a good lesson.

My husband and I get angry and we fight a lot since this causes a lot of stress even though we agree on most things. We are still saving for college and will help him with undergrad, even if he decides to go at 25.

We try to find anything he’s interested in and support him in that. Right now he occasionally brings up various vocational training or the military. We remind him he at least needs to get a GED and either of those would be good ideas.

Where's your line in the sand?

At what point do you plan on no longer enabling him to live off of you and your DH scotfree?

When he graduates high school he needs to enroll in college(community college is fine), vocational school, join the military or get a full time job. We have been clear that he can’t stay and do nothing. He hasn’t failed a class yet but squeaked by with some Ds. He will end up graduating since it’s less work than a GED. We have been very clear on our expectations.

Vocational Technology High School.

These used to be commonplace.

Why, oh WHY did educators in the US largely get rid of these high schools??

Was it the leftist crusade against “educational tracking??”

MCPS has a vo- tech school. I thought vo-techs were pretty prevalent. I know tons of kids who take that route. In fact it can be pretty competitive to get in.

Thank you PP!

I was not aware of this, and I’m really encouraged to learn these programs are still going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal? I have my own ideas about how to succeed and that success matters and kid has no ambition, no goals, is passive and takes no initiative to create anything or solve any problem. No amount of encouragement or modeling or pressure or support has changed this one iota. Still thinks life will magically work out.

Lucky for him (and you), being a Democrat is perfectly fine in DC.

He'd be a loser in Texas, but not here, he'll be fine, just chillax.

I mean I know you think you are clever and trying to put down Democrats but this area is highly competitive and full of type A people. WTF are you even talking about? If you are going to be snarky, at least be intelligent snarky.