We agreed I would host Easter…now MIL is balking

[Anonymous]

I really think that the issue is that MIL realized that if OP hosts the event, even her side of the family will come. In other words, when holidays are hosted by MIL, she calls her side of the family. Now, she will have to share the holiday with a bunch of people from OP's side of the family.

My compromise would be - OP should host Easter in her own house and call everyone she wants to call. Then you can have an Easter egg hunt at MIL's house, whenever you go to her house next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for your husband. You enjoy not traveling and hosting whomever shows up. And then you can feel free to agree to travel to them for Thanksgiving, but maybe “balk” a month out and let her see how that feels.

Yeah, that rarely works, because the people who are immature enough to bait and switch are by definition too self-absorbed to learn their lesson when someone does it to them. They'll just have "proof" that they were the victim all along. I've seen it happen too many times.

And there it is, the extremely sweeping harsh judgment and painting MIL as a terrible person. This is one situation in which the MIL is not acting exactly as she "should." No need to make it more than that.

You're the one exaggerating, PP. I never said MIL was a terrible person. My own mother is like this. She is self-absorbed and immature. She's nice otherwise! It blows your mind, right, but people are complex and both good and bad. You've got to learn to manage them, and I've personally experienced that with some of these people, mirroring their actions just doesn't work, because they don't see themselves like that. They'd rather be in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the story went like this:

"We have always hosted family holidays, have been doing so for years. We really enjoy having people in our home and value being the gathering place for extended family. This year, one part of the family decided that they wanted to host Easter at their house and have everybody travel there instead. I initially agreed, but now I'm regretting it. I just don't see what the problem was at my home and I'd really like to keep up that tradition for the kids in the family as long as possible. So now I'm stuck. The other family has no obligation to come to our house, obviously. But are we obligated to all go to them all of a sudden and break the tradition?"

Point is- nobody is "right" here. If it means a lot to you to host this time, sure you can say that you won't go to MILs and to offer to host everybody. Absolutely. But it apparently means a lot to MIL to have people there. Just decide what matters more.

Incorrect. They asked and MIL said yes and it would be “lovely.” She’s an adult, not a child. You don’t get to throw a tantrum later about what’s already been decided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the story went like this:

"We have always hosted family holidays, have been doing so for years. We really enjoy having people in our home and value being the gathering place for extended family. This year, one part of the family decided that they wanted to host Easter at their house and have everybody travel there instead. I initially agreed, but now I'm regretting it. I just don't see what the problem was at my home and I'd really like to keep up that tradition for the kids in the family as long as possible. So now I'm stuck. The other family has no obligation to come to our house, obviously. But are we obligated to all go to them all of a sudden and break the tradition?"

Point is- nobody is "right" here. If it means a lot to you to host this time, sure you can say that you won't go to MILs and to offer to host everybody. Absolutely. But it apparently means a lot to MIL to have people there. Just decide what matters more.

Incorrect. They asked and MIL said yes and it would be “lovely.” She’s an adult, not a child. You don’t get to throw a tantrum later about what’s already been decided.

In you mind, would there be a way to re-raise an issue when you are regretting/second-guessing your decision that would not qualify as "throwing a tantrum"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for your husband. You enjoy not traveling and hosting whomever shows up. And then you can feel free to agree to travel to them for Thanksgiving, but maybe “balk” a month out and let her see how that feels.

Yeah, that rarely works, because the people who are immature enough to bait and switch are by definition too self-absorbed to learn their lesson when someone does it to them. They'll just have "proof" that they were the victim all along. I've seen it happen too many times.

And there it is, the extremely sweeping harsh judgment and painting MIL as a terrible person. This is one situation in which the MIL is not acting exactly as she "should." No need to make it more than that.

You're the one exaggerating, PP. I never said MIL was a terrible person. My own mother is like this. She is self-absorbed and immature. She's nice otherwise! It blows your mind, right, but people are complex and both good and bad. You've got to learn to manage them, and I've personally experienced that with some of these people, mirroring their actions just doesn't work, because they don't see themselves like that. They'd rather be in denial.

You're right, you didn't say MIL was a terrible person. You said she was an immature self-absorbed person who plays the victim and "baits and switches." You have somehow derived what "type of person" she is and assumed you know how she would react. All I know from OP's few sentences is that in this instance a person who has grown accustomed to hosting agreed not to host and then wanted to reraise the issue later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think that the issue is that MIL realized that if OP hosts the event, even her side of the family will come. In other words, when holidays are hosted by MIL, she calls her side of the family. Now, she will have to share the holiday with a bunch of people from OP's side of the family.

My compromise would be - OP should host Easter in her own house and call everyone she wants to call. Then you can have an Easter egg hunt at MIL's house, whenever you go to her house next.

OP says they have a rotation with each family. And that when OP hosts her side of the family, they have not invited MIL. So what makes you think it would be different in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the story went like this:

"We have always hosted family holidays, have been doing so for years. We really enjoy having people in our home and value being the gathering place for extended family. This year, one part of the family decided that they wanted to host Easter at their house and have everybody travel there instead. I initially agreed, but now I'm regretting it. I just don't see what the problem was at my home and I'd really like to keep up that tradition for the kids in the family as long as possible. So now I'm stuck. The other family has no obligation to come to our house, obviously. But are we obligated to all go to them all of a sudden and break the tradition?"

Point is- nobody is "right" here. If it means a lot to you to host this time, sure you can say that you won't go to MILs and to offer to host everybody. Absolutely. But it apparently means a lot to MIL to have people there. Just decide what matters more.

Incorrect. They asked and MIL said yes and it would be “lovely.” She’s an adult, not a child. You don’t get to throw a tantrum later about what’s already been decided.

In you mind, would there be a way to re-raise an issue when you are regretting/second-guessing your decision that would not qualify as "throwing a tantrum"?

NP. In a high-stakes or unbalanced situation? Sure. While I agree the word “tantrum” is too big here, there’s really no reasonable way for MIL to go back on her word when she’s hosted every other holiday and doesn’t have young kids or any good reason not to drive two hours and let someone else host for once.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the SIL who now has to decide whose house to go to for Easter. Shame on MIL for putting SIL in that position.

[Anonymous]

We know where SIL is going.
Good for your DH!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. One update, one clarification:

1) SIL is now definitely coming to our house. Her feeling is that it was agreed upon, she accepted after MIL/FIL accepted, no reason not to.

2) For the poster who said my parents would be part of all holidays in the future…what? No. DH and I rotate holidays with our respective families. So one year might be Thanksgiving with ILs; Christmas with my family; Easter with ILs; Fourth of July with my family, etc. In a rotation. There is no overlap, because it doesn’t make logistical sense, AND my sister and brother also have “turns” with my parents, etc. So that just…isn’t a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Stay out of it and good for your husband for staying firm.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One update, one clarification:

1) SIL is now definitely coming to our house. Her feeling is that it was agreed upon, she accepted after MIL/FIL accepted, no reason not to.

Wow so both your husband and SIL are making all the right calls here. This is great, OP!

[Anonymous]

Enjoy it this year because I don't see your mother-in-law giving up a single holiday....weekend... or any other traditional day that she has gotten in the past. Oofta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy it this year because I don't see your mother-in-law giving up a single holiday....weekend... or any other traditional day that she has gotten in the past. Oofta.

Welp, she can stay home alone if DH and his sister both decide they like the change of pace! Oofta…yeah, sure, yabetcha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy it this year because I don't see your mother-in-law giving up a single holiday....weekend... or any other traditional day that she has gotten in the past. Oofta.

Welp, she can stay home alone if DH and his sister both decide they like the change of pace! Oofta…yeah, sure, yabetcha!

My mother-in-law did this. Agreed to come to our house for Thanksgiving about 6 years ago. Complained about it the entire time and refused to even talk about anyone else hosting it. We just stopped showing up every year and started going to my family's every other year.