Things your parents say or do which you wouldn't say or do to your adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's share those so we can have better relationships with our adult children.

This is grossly unfair because our lives today are light years away from our parents. There are so many choices available to parents today that ours did not have. It's apples and footballs!

Nobody is a perfect parent but most are doing their very best with the resources available to them. Parents, in many ways, actually have it harder today than even 20 years ago and we don't know what we might do in any given circumstances.

Do you not understand that we are talking about actions that occurred now not 40 years ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom doesn’t believe in divorce, despite cheating and abuse, and also believes in moving in with adult children instead of assisted living or nursing home care. Those are both “family ethics” that my sib and I strongly disagree with and won’t impose on our own kids.

Where is she from?

This sounds like practices that are still quite common in many countries outside of the US.

Ohio, for many generations. I have no idea where she got those beliefs from (her own mother, I assume), but my father sure took advantage of them.

[Anonymous]

Rest her soul, but my mother was a Bible-thumping, religious terrorist who could not/would not accept her adult children's different views. It was a major point of contention in our relationship until the day she died.

My kids are all adults now, and I would never impose my views on them; I let them be whoever they choose to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have this dynamic where my mom cheated on my dad and is still with her AP. My dad is remarried to someone who he met later. And she's always insisting that we're a happy modern family and that these things "just happen in some families" and that she and my dad's wife are friends, etc. Meanwhile, my dad's wife does not like her and will sh*t-talk her to anyone who will listen, including me. My mom is always offering to come over to my dad's house for dinner-- that's right, she's inviting herself-- so that she can "spend more time with the kids", even though the kids hate dinner and sit at the table for max 10 minutes.

If I object to any of this, decline to validate her beliefs, or show any sign of stress while traveling with small children, I'm "carrying negative energy". So that's what I'll never do to my adult children.

Wow, sounds like your mom is carrying a lot of unresolved guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have this dynamic where my mom cheated on my dad and is still with her AP. My dad is remarried to someone who he met later. And she's always insisting that we're a happy modern family and that these things "just happen in some families" and that she and my dad's wife are friends, etc. Meanwhile, my dad's wife does not like her and will sh*t-talk her to anyone who will listen, including me. My mom is always offering to come over to my dad's house for dinner-- that's right, she's inviting herself-- so that she can "spend more time with the kids", even though the kids hate dinner and sit at the table for max 10 minutes.

If I object to any of this, decline to validate her beliefs, or show any sign of stress while traveling with small children, I'm "carrying negative energy". So that's what I'll never do to my adult children.

Wow, sounds like your mom is carrying a lot of unresolved guilt.

It's possible, but I think it's more like she wants her co-cheater and her position as family matriarch too, and she'll do just about anything to get it, no matter the cost.

[Anonymous]

Like a previous poster, my parents come in and comment on all the improvements/projects that we should be doing on our home. I'd honestly prefer if they just offered to help instead of pointing out flaws.

They also comment on what the kids are or are not doing in terms of activities. My kids are very different than me or my siblings, and I parent them a lot differently than my parents did me.

[Anonymous]

Constant talk about weight and appearance.

Threatening to disown me when I made a major decision mom didn't like. Not a bad decision, just deciding to move elsewhere for a while or marrying the man I'm still married to 20 years later.

Both things completely destroyed our relationship and made it extremely superficial. Would never do this to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom doesn’t believe in divorce, despite cheating and abuse, and also believes in moving in with adult children instead of assisted living or nursing home care. Those are both “family ethics” that my sib and I strongly disagree with and won’t impose on our own kids.

Where is she from?

This sounds like practices that are still quite common in many countries outside of the US.

Ohio, for many generations. I have no idea where she got those beliefs from (her own mother, I assume), but my father sure took advantage of them.

Same, Illinois.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom doesn’t believe in divorce, despite cheating and abuse, and also believes in moving in with adult children instead of assisted living or nursing home care. Those are both “family ethics” that my sib and I strongly disagree with and won’t impose on our own kids.

Where is she from?

This sounds like practices that are still quite common in many countries outside of the US.

Ohio, for many generations. I have no idea where she got those beliefs from (her own mother, I assume), but my father sure took advantage of them.

Same, Illinois.

From a good “salt of the earth” Protestant community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like a previous poster, my parents come in and comment on all the improvements/projects that we should be doing on our home. I'd honestly prefer if they just offered to help instead of pointing out flaws.

They also comment on what the kids are or are not doing in terms of activities. My kids are very different than me or my siblings, and I parent them a lot differently than my parents did me.

My parents bought furniture and objects etc for me in apartments then houses even after I married. See a deal at a yard or estate sale? Close out at a store? Bought and migrated it to where I lived whether I/we wanted it or not.

So I restrain myself on furniture and stuff that goes into wherever a DC lives. If a DC/married or not needs stuff I'm more than happy to go shopping with them and put out the credit card.

Also allowed young DC's to pursue to their max interests and sports, select college /grad school.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a trumper, sadly and believes the crazies stuff. She is also very old fashioned but in a weird way. My XW had a PA with someone and ended up marrying them. I eventually met someone and got married and had kids with my new wife (I had one from my prior marriage).

My mother is not a fan of my current wife and fawns over my XW about making sure she reaches out to her, etc while she gives my current wife the cold shoulder. Then, she has virtually zero interest in getting to know her "other" grandchildren and fawns over my oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“But I tried my best!”

God, yes. Well, then your best was fairly shitty. The neglect was a real thing that my siblings and I are dealing with in therapy.