Anyone realize they don’t want to be married anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I do! They are happily divorced from the ex’s, but they wish they had a happy marriage. But many are certainly hesitant as are guys who are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I know a few that thought their AP would leave his wife so they left their husbands. They wish they were married to him, but he ain’t divorcing.

This is so common! The married woman thinks, "Oh, I could be with a better man, I'm out of here . . ." The married man thinks, "Oops, my side piece is trying to become my main piece . . . "

Right, which makes no sense because the man is either cheating because he is in a sexless marriage and is skeptical of marriage or because he likes variety so if he is going to leave his wife, it's to be single and play the field

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I know a few that thought their AP would leave his wife so they left their husbands. They wish they were married to him, but he ain’t divorcing.

This is so common! The married woman thinks, "Oh, I could be with a better man, I'm out of here . . ." The married man thinks, "Oops, my side piece is trying to become my main piece . . . "

Right, which makes no sense because the man is either cheating because he is in a sexless marriage and is skeptical of marriage or because he likes variety so if he is going to leave his wife, it's to be single and play the field

Or he is having his cake and is eating it too with zero plans to leave his family. These guys are often variety f”ers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

I do not know any divorced woman who wishes she was married.

I know a few that thought their AP would leave his wife so they left their husbands. They wish they were married to him, but he ain’t divorcing.

This is so common! The married woman thinks, "Oh, I could be with a better man, I'm out of here . . ." The married man thinks, "Oops, my side piece is trying to become my main piece . . . "

It’s not “oops”…”it’s SHIT, time to ghost and cut off all means of contact or break up in a manner she will never want to contact again. This was supposed to be no-strings, lady!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

NP.

What you describe above is all utterly, utterly fixable, IF you actually love the person he is and if you are capable of seeing past clutter and household logistics. If you love the person, every single thing you say you want, and say you loathe, above, is fixable, OP.

So sit down alone and actually stop thinking about mounds of stuff versus beautiful closets and think about why you married him. Not security, not income, not wanting kids, but him--what qualities as a person, friend, spouse does he still have that you value? Again: Not "he's a good provider" or that crap. Him as a person. Values? How he treats others? His outlook on life? His personality? Do you still love him and if you think you don't, is that something you are willing to talk to him about and work on as a couple before you just chuck it, and him, for a vision of a tidier life? I'm not saying he's perfect or you're wrong. I'm saying your posts are about feeling invaded in terms of your space and your diet and the organization of your life. Those. Things. Are. Fixable. If you love him and he loves you.

Have you told him how the piles and the takeout affect you? I do not mean asking him to clean up or saying "I need you to start cooking or get less greasty takeout at least!" I mean telling him, and NOT when youre mad at the latest takeout choice, that the totality of all this is making you hate day to day life. He will not get it at first, probably, and you will need to figure out how to talk to him without repeating old requests to clean up, to order other food, whatever.

I think you need to come up with concrete fixes. Take over another space or bedroom for your closet and your stuff and your hobby space (craft table, writing nook, whatever) and make it all yours. You need a damn version of a "she shed" inside the house. Your escape. And you and he need to schedule out your meals better, with a weekly meal plan that yes, does include some takeout but decided well in advance so you order what YOU want and he can order what HE wants, and more cooking in advance and freezing healthy options. If he can order takeout, he can instead thaw and heat things you and he made together that are healthy, assuming he eats your cooking on "your" days to make dinner--right?

That's all communications and logistics. If you focus on those chores for a time you will be freer to dream about perfect closets, to be blunt. But it only matters if you and he love each other. Like another PP said, if you love the person, a stray sock (or even a pile of stuff) does not truly matter.

I know. Easy for a stranger to say, find more space in your home and take it, talk with him this or that way, make meals in advance. I get that it's not what you want to hear and you want to vent. But if you just go on being frustrated and never talk to him like adults and never offer some concrete changes to your household and your schedules, and never engage him in seeing you have a problem, well, you'll end up divorced without even having made an effort to fix some things that are about....mere logistics. That would be a shame, to have to admit to oneself years later, I got divorced mostly because I felt kind of crowded, untidy and disliked the meals a few days a week, but I never organized myself to speak up and take control of those small things.

OP. Thanks for this.

I tried talking to H about all this. He told me it’s my problem if I don’t like things, and I need to focus on my cleaning/cooking instead of his.

Moving out is looking so good right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

NP.

What you describe above is all utterly, utterly fixable, IF you actually love the person he is and if you are capable of seeing past clutter and household logistics. If you love the person, every single thing you say you want, and say you loathe, above, is fixable, OP.

So sit down alone and actually stop thinking about mounds of stuff versus beautiful closets and think about why you married him. Not security, not income, not wanting kids, but him--what qualities as a person, friend, spouse does he still have that you value? Again: Not "he's a good provider" or that crap. Him as a person. Values? How he treats others? His outlook on life? His personality? Do you still love him and if you think you don't, is that something you are willing to talk to him about and work on as a couple before you just chuck it, and him, for a vision of a tidier life? I'm not saying he's perfect or you're wrong. I'm saying your posts are about feeling invaded in terms of your space and your diet and the organization of your life. Those. Things. Are. Fixable. If you love him and he loves you.

Have you told him how the piles and the takeout affect you? I do not mean asking him to clean up or saying "I need you to start cooking or get less greasty takeout at least!" I mean telling him, and NOT when youre mad at the latest takeout choice, that the totality of all this is making you hate day to day life. He will not get it at first, probably, and you will need to figure out how to talk to him without repeating old requests to clean up, to order other food, whatever.

I think you need to come up with concrete fixes. Take over another space or bedroom for your closet and your stuff and your hobby space (craft table, writing nook, whatever) and make it all yours. You need a damn version of a "she shed" inside the house. Your escape. And you and he need to schedule out your meals better, with a weekly meal plan that yes, does include some takeout but decided well in advance so you order what YOU want and he can order what HE wants, and more cooking in advance and freezing healthy options. If he can order takeout, he can instead thaw and heat things you and he made together that are healthy, assuming he eats your cooking on "your" days to make dinner--right?

That's all communications and logistics. If you focus on those chores for a time you will be freer to dream about perfect closets, to be blunt. But it only matters if you and he love each other. Like another PP said, if you love the person, a stray sock (or even a pile of stuff) does not truly matter.

I know. Easy for a stranger to say, find more space in your home and take it, talk with him this or that way, make meals in advance. I get that it's not what you want to hear and you want to vent. But if you just go on being frustrated and never talk to him like adults and never offer some concrete changes to your household and your schedules, and never engage him in seeing you have a problem, well, you'll end up divorced without even having made an effort to fix some things that are about....mere logistics. That would be a shame, to have to admit to oneself years later, I got divorced mostly because I felt kind of crowded, untidy and disliked the meals a few days a week, but I never organized myself to speak up and take control of those small things.

I tried to see past my ex's clutter and hired someone to just help clean regularly and found out that the reason he wasn't doing that well at home and at work was that he was seeing people on the side. Sometimes (probably often) the clutter that someone doesn't care one lick about regularly is a symptom of other dysfunction.