Anyone realize they don’t want to be married anymore?

[Anonymous]

Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

[Anonymous]

I feel this. My wife is dead energy. She isn't remotely fun anymore. So I go out a lot without her, but then come back to her dead energy. I also have a lot more music playing when she is out of town. The kids and I have more fun without her type a controlling behavior.

It's hard to come to the realization, but it is what it is. I assume this is why there are so many gray divorces.

[Anonymous]

Kinda. But, I know it will devastate my kids. My eldest has anxiety and is very successful in HS. My younger one clings to her Daddy and adores his every word and move. So, I stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

That's cause you didn't actually love him. An errant sock is no big deal if you're with someone you truly love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

That's cause you didn't actually love him. An errant sock is no big deal if you're with someone you truly love.

But isn't it mutual? If the H actually loved her and cared about what made her happy, it wouldn't be a big deal to try to be somewhat organized or work on it at least?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

That's cause you didn't actually love him. An errant sock is no big deal if you're with someone you truly love.

But isn't it mutual? If the H actually loved her and cared about what made her happy, it wouldn't be a big deal to try to be somewhat organized or work on it at least?

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

It’s called a mid life crisis and believe me your spouse doesn’t want to be around you either. Just divorce and live your fantasy and come back if you ever get your brain back. Seriously. It’s a nightmare to live with someone who wants to be living somewhere else. Just leave already. And no yo ur wife doesn’t want you around just because you like one of your children a lot and she adores you. Just leave. Stop with the cheating drama and just leave.

[Anonymous]

Any good therapist will tell you you can only change yourself. So figure out if you can just change yourself and be happy with them. Otherwise get out. They won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t perfect but most of my divorced or single friends wish they had my marriage.

What is your secret sauce.

[Anonymous]

With my first spouse yes. We didn’t have kids, and I realized it fairly early on. I did not want to end up like my parents marriage. I was in my early 30s and asked for a divorce. Got remarried a few years later and have been happy ever since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this. My wife is dead energy. She isn't remotely fun anymore. So I go out a lot without her, but then come back to her dead energy. I also have a lot more music playing when she is out of town. The kids and I have more fun without her type a controlling behavior.

It's hard to come to the realization, but it is what it is. I assume this is why there are so many gray divorces.

She's probably exhausted from having to deal with all children in the house and no adult. You leave to go have fun outside the marriage while she has to work. Then you come home and probably complain about everything she says while not pulling your weight, and then when she leaves nothing gets done. Sounds like she can't wait for you to get out and give her primary custody with visitation so you can go out and PARTY! Woo hoo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called a mid life crisis and believe me your spouse doesn’t want to be around you either. Just divorce and live your fantasy and come back if you ever get your brain back. Seriously. It’s a nightmare to live with someone who wants to be living somewhere else. Just leave already. And no yo ur wife doesn’t want you around just because you like one of your children a lot and she adores you. Just leave. Stop with the cheating drama and just leave.

100% this!

[Anonymous]

Yes, the house is so peaceful when she goes on a work trip. All the tension and stress goes with her. The house is quiet and me and my daughters have the best time while she is away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve realized I’m a lot more calm, organized, upbeat when he’s not around…

OP. That’s how I feel. My life is so much better when H is out of town. I eat healthy at every meal (he only does takeout on his dinner nights). I have time for my hobbies, even with all the kid duties. The house is clean because his stuff isnt scattered everywhere. I can go to bed on time, I don’t have to stay up late with him out of a sense of obligation. Work/life balance is better.

I hear you.

Thanks

Even like….I love keeping my closet a beautiful space with everything organized and pictures that I love, so getting ready in the morning is a joy. But then I see his two mountains of laundry and shoes scattered everywhere, and it just kills my whole vibe.

I guess it’s more of a lifestyle thing? I want a joyful life, with a beautiful home and delicious, nourishing foods. And then when I see the clutter everywhere and eat greasy takeout it just brings my whole energy level down.

NP.

What you describe above is all utterly, utterly fixable, IF you actually love the person he is and if you are capable of seeing past clutter and household logistics. If you love the person, every single thing you say you want, and say you loathe, above, is fixable, OP.

So sit down alone and actually stop thinking about mounds of stuff versus beautiful closets and think about why you married him. Not security, not income, not wanting kids, but him--what qualities as a person, friend, spouse does he still have that you value? Again: Not "he's a good provider" or that crap. Him as a person. Values? How he treats others? His outlook on life? His personality? Do you still love him and if you think you don't, is that something you are willing to talk to him about and work on as a couple before you just chuck it, and him, for a vision of a tidier life? I'm not saying he's perfect or you're wrong. I'm saying your posts are about feeling invaded in terms of your space and your diet and the organization of your life. Those. Things. Are. Fixable. If you love him and he loves you.

Have you told him how the piles and the takeout affect you? I do not mean asking him to clean up or saying "I need you to start cooking or get less greasty takeout at least!" I mean telling him, and NOT when youre mad at the latest takeout choice, that the totality of all this is making you hate day to day life. He will not get it at first, probably, and you will need to figure out how to talk to him without repeating old requests to clean up, to order other food, whatever.

I think you need to come up with concrete fixes. Take over another space or bedroom for your closet and your stuff and your hobby space (craft table, writing nook, whatever) and make it all yours. You need a damn version of a "she shed" inside the house. Your escape. And you and he need to schedule out your meals better, with a weekly meal plan that yes, does include some takeout but decided well in advance so you order what YOU want and he can order what HE wants, and more cooking in advance and freezing healthy options. If he can order takeout, he can instead thaw and heat things you and he made together that are healthy, assuming he eats your cooking on "your" days to make dinner--right?

That's all communications and logistics. If you focus on those chores for a time you will be freer to dream about perfect closets, to be blunt. But it only matters if you and he love each other. Like another PP said, if you love the person, a stray sock (or even a pile of stuff) does not truly matter.

I know. Easy for a stranger to say, find more space in your home and take it, talk with him this or that way, make meals in advance. I get that it's not what you want to hear and you want to vent. But if you just go on being frustrated and never talk to him like adults and never offer some concrete changes to your household and your schedules, and never engage him in seeing you have a problem, well, you'll end up divorced without even having made an effort to fix some things that are about....mere logistics. That would be a shame, to have to admit to oneself years later, I got divorced mostly because I felt kind of crowded, untidy and disliked the meals a few days a week, but I never organized myself to speak up and take control of those small things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this. My wife is dead energy. She isn't remotely fun anymore. So I go out a lot without her, but then come back to her dead energy. I also have a lot more music playing when she is out of town. The kids and I have more fun without her type a controlling behavior.

It's hard to come to the realization, but it is what it is. I assume this is why there are so many gray divorces.

I bet you are the "fun dad" and do none of the mental work, enforcement, or heavy lifting generally of parenting.