Husband is worthless in the morning

[Anonymous]

If the kids are in school, they’re plenty old enough to do most of the work themselves. They can pack their lunch, slap together a couple slices of Turkey and bread or pbj, throw in a couple other things and call it good. But read to go food as much as possible—precut celery and carrots for example, if that helps. Your kids will survive without someone hovering while they brush their teeth. Or have them buy lunch as school. Make a checklist of what needs to be done, one for the kids and one for the adults. Everyone pitches in. Pack lunch the night before and have eggos for breakfast if you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to help a six year old brush teeth?

This. Our 3 year old brushes their own teeth. Make everything own their sh*t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave for work before anyone else gets up. He'll quickly figure it out.

This. “Sharing” tasks is hard. Just arrange your work schedule that you go in early MWF and he’s I charge those days (or some some other schedule). It’s not *that* hard to do the morning routine. It’s harder when two parents are invoked and one wants to slack.

This. Talk about what needs to be done as a reminder, once. Then leave early. He will figure it out and do it his own way. The only thing that worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to help a six year old brush teeth?

This. Our 3 year old brushes their own teeth. Make everything own their sh*t

Our dentist discourages this as other PPs mentioned - the back molars are prone to cavities. We are supposed to let them brush and then go back through and do the molars again. You may not be at that stage yet with a 3 year old, but more teeth can mean more surfaces to clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I was a SAHM for 8 years and the plan was always for me to go back to work when our youngest started K. Well, that was virtual so we delayed a year. Now I’m working in-person and DH is WFH. The thing is, he isn’t helping in the morning. I know he just can’t do our 6-year-old’s hair but he could pack lunches and help brush their teeth. He seemed disgruntled that I asked him to help with teeth this morning.

Before I went back to work, I did these things in the morning and oversaw my son’s morning piano practice. Now I need to shower and get dressed. DH literally works in sweats and a t-shirt and almost never showers.

It feels unfair and he doesn’t care.

You need to plan a work trip or a series of early morning meetings so that he has no choice but to step in and figure it out. Also you’re enabling him…why do you just accept that « he just can’t » do your 6 year old’s hair? It’s not rocket science. (-Signed a working mom whose total « guys guy », marine corps DH has managed to figure out how to do a pretty impressive ballet bun)

[Anonymous]

As others have said, sit down with your husband not in the morning and break out what has to be done and who will do them. Lots of people here want to use you as a vehicle for their own resentments, but if you want to solve the problem, that's what you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was a SAHM for 8 years and the plan was always for me to go back to work when our youngest started K. Well, that was virtual so we delayed a year. Now I’m working in-person and DH is WFH. The thing is, he isn’t helping in the morning. I know he just can’t do our 6-year-old’s hair but he could pack lunches and help brush their teeth. He seemed disgruntled that I asked him to help with teeth this morning.

Before I went back to work, I did these things in the morning and oversaw my son’s morning piano practice. Now I need to shower and get dressed. DH literally works in sweats and a t-shirt and almost never showers.

It feels unfair and he doesn’t care.

You need to plan a work trip or a series of early morning meetings so that he has no choice but to step in and figure it out. Also you’re enabling him…why do you just accept that « he just can’t » do your 6 year old’s hair? It’s not rocket science. (-Signed a working mom whose total « guys guy », marine corps DH has managed to figure out how to do a pretty impressive ballet bun)

Way too much helicoptering here.

[Anonymous]

I would just leave an Hour earlier and have him figure it out

[Anonymous]

3 year olds should not be brushing their own teeth.

[Anonymous]

He does Mondays, you do Tuesdays, he does Wednesdays, etc. That's what my husband and I do. One morning I do the dogs and he does the girls (including their hair, and they're seven now but he's been doing their hair since they were little, come on!). The next we switch. Make him figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need to pick a time when the kids are occupied and neither of you is stressed and really talk about how you can divide responsibilities. Come to that meeting with a list of what needs to be done and when and then divide them up.

Yep, that's what we did. Our nanny told us she was moving due to her husband's job (he was being stationed in another state), so we sat down and talked about not getting a new nanny now that the kids are older and we both work from home permanently (which started in COVID and we've been lucky enough to keep on). We (mostly I) wrote down everything that needed to be done around the house, with the kids, with the dogs, everything. Then we divided up who did what when. We both saw the list, we both saw how it was divided (some things we each do half of, other things we each do all of), and we both felt like it was fair. Now there's no question who is picking up the dog poop on Thursday before the gardeners come or who is meeting the kids from the bus on Monday or who is driving to swim practice on Wednesday. Of course sometimes things come up so it's not always the same every week (i.e. he was in DC for half of this week), but each weekend we sit down and adjust what needs to get done. It has worked wonderfully. It also really helped him to see all the things I was doing that he wasn't aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to help a six year old brush teeth?

This. Our 3 year old brushes their own teeth. Make everything own their sh*t

Hahaha. Easy peasy. My 3 yo does whatever she wants too. And how she wants to. Parenting is so easy!

[Anonymous]

This is a HUGE problem in most households, OP, whether the protagonists acknowledge it or not. I don't actually know any husband and father doing their fair share except my own father, who did it because my mother was handicapped and did not have full use of her hands and arms.

You need to have repeated and insistent conversations about it, both from a general "men don't do enough when women go back to work" and "this is the list of things you need to do in the morning, stop whining". Brook no dissent. It will be hard, but if he wants the extra income, this is what he needs to do, otherwise you're just going to find other solutions he won't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a HUGE problem in most households, OP, whether the protagonists acknowledge it or not. I don't actually know any husband and father doing their fair share except my own father, who did it because my mother was handicapped and did not have full use of her hands and arms.

You need to have repeated and insistent conversations about it, both from a general "men don't do enough when women go back to work" and "this is the list of things you need to do in the morning, stop whining". Brook no dissent. It will be hard, but if he wants the extra income, this is what he needs to do, otherwise you're just going to find other solutions he won't like.

You need better friends. Most of my friends have two working spouses and the dads are super involved. Of all the parents who drove carpools, it was all dads and only one mom. In multiple marriages the wives traveled for work and the husbands would be home with the kids during that time. My own husband is 50/50 on stuff around the house. There's not a single thing I do for the kids that he doesn't also do, and this has been true since birth (we had twins and they were bottle fed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to help a six year old brush teeth?

This. Our 3 year old brushes their own teeth. Make everything own their sh*t

Our dentist discourages this as other PPs mentioned - the back molars are prone to cavities. We are supposed to let them brush and then go back through and do the molars again. You may not be at that stage yet with a 3 year old, but more teeth can mean more surfaces to clean.

Some parents prefer cavities over having to constantly supervise brushing. Stop telling others how to invest their time and money.