People who will do anything for others, but very little for their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any insight on this type of person, their motivations, reasons behind this behavior?

In this case it's my DH, but both sexes can be like this. With friends, co-workers, acquaintances, people he hardly even knows, he will "take the shirt off their back" for them. He will do too much for these people and lacks boundaries with them, having a hard time saying no. He gets good feelings from helping and going the extra mile. Example: changing his schedule/cancelling his own plans he wanted to do, just to help a friend/co-worker with something that could wait a day or two, or even a week (not an emergency). He will change things and do it that day because that is when the friend/co-worker wants to do it, when they just asked last minute.

With me, he can hardly be empathetic, helpful, supportive, or even very kind. It's like he has too many boundaries with me - like the opposite from the way he is with others. Anything he has to do for the me is almost too much, even just listening to me briefly say why I had a bad day, or saying "I'm sorry you're sick". Once in counseling, he said he didn't think he had to listen to stuff like that from me (saying I had a bad day). He even resents normal obligations as a spouse, but stuff he would have to do if he was single anyway. I do a lot on my own and expect very little (and don't complain about that either). But for instance, if something breaks, he is the one to look at it because he knows how to repair things. However, he doesn't see this as a normal part of life, but resents it. Having to make the effort to communicate about something or nurture the marriage is too much.
had

Of course it is worse now that the marriage is struggling, but I can look back and see he was always more eager and happier to help others during the many years things were good. Even then, it was usually a big effort and not a good thing for him when he had to "be there for me". And I am a very independent person who doesn't ask for much help/support, so it's not a problem with me being too needy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Typo: "take the shirt off HIS back"

Thanks for reading and any input.

[Anonymous]

My father is like this. I think part of it is about wanting to appear good and generous because that is what he believes is right. But then there needs to be give somewhere and it gets taken out on the spouse because that is easy/safe. I think I may have learned a bit of this, but am a more reflective person in general and didn't let it destroy us. DH is also good about setting boundaries (maybe too good ), so it wouldn't have been possible.

[Anonymous]

The larger question here is, why do you stay with someone that obviously doesn't even like you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is like this. I think part of it is about wanting to appear good and generous because that is what he believes is right. But then there needs to be give somewhere and it gets taken out on the spouse because that is easy/safe. I think I may have learned a bit of this, but am a more reflective person in general and didn't let it destroy us. DH is also good about setting boundaries (maybe too good ), so it wouldn't have been possible.

I can answer this as a wife. I've been married 18 years and learned in the first four years or so of marriage that H, who was a bachelor a long time, doesn't think to help me or be concerned about my feelings. So I direct my impulses to help others and be empathetic to people who will return the favor.

[Anonymous]

He's more concerned about his image as a great guy than being a great husband to his spouse. Why are you putting up with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The larger question here is, why do you stay with someone that obviously doesn't even like you ?

OP here. I get that completely and am in that stage of asking myself that every single day. I will not stay if it continues. I am close to leaving. He has done counseling and has recognized he treats me the worst of anyone in his life, while supposedly loves me the most. He hasn't been able to figure out how to change that as of yet. I still think there is a chance for him to improve, but will not wait for a change forever. In fact, I won't wait much longer. I am looking for some insight though that might help me understand it, or perhaps even him understand it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry I should say that we have done couples counseling and some individual for each of us. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Wife will help her family at the stop of a hat but treats the kids and me like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife will help her family at the stop of a hat but treats the kids and me like crap.

Meant drop

[Anonymous]

did he have an alcoholic parent, by any chance? DH can be like this, although not as bad. He doesn't neglect me, but will absolutely backburner me and the family to run to a friend's rescue.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. He wants others to like him and think he's great but he never acts like he cares what I think. It really annoys me. It's not that he's image conscience. It's more that he's so self-centered he see the benefits to himself for lots of people to like him.

It also has to do with the whole thinking everything you don't have is better than what you already have. Once he won me over and knew I loved him he didn't care what I thought.

[Anonymous]

My DH is similar. I lost it the other night when I heard him on the phone at 9pm offering to help someone with a work presentation the next day. I mean, dude, you're working at 9pm. I don't care if only takes you 20 minutes to help them, that's 20 more minutes you're spending on work rather than your family.

My DH's penchant to help people is only in the work arena, though. That's why it pisses me off-- don't tell me how busy you are and then offer to help do other peoples' work.

[Anonymous]

Dh is like this.

[Anonymous]

Is he only helping male friends? Gay?