How to respond to rude questions?

[Anonymous]

How do you respond to rude questions from co-workers and acquaintances? I find it hard to be as strict with people I know, as opposed to strangers? One co-worker in particular keeps asking if I know anything about her "real" parents, etc. For some reason, I feel rude saying that information is our child's right to tell. I guess I have to grow more of a backbone, but any coping techniques would be great.

[Anonymous]

I feel much the same way in that I have a more difficult time when answering questions from people I know. I do think it is getting easier as time goes on. First I usually repeat their question using more positive adoption language, such as "do we know much about their birthparents?" Not only does this give me a second to collect myself (and find a little toughness) but it also lets me gauge their response to this. I also have said things like, "I would love to share more, but I really can't" or I just answer simply, "yes" or "no" with a big smile and then I change the subject. If people seem receptive and want the conversation to continue in some way, we usually end up talking about adoption in general instead of my kids. The question I find to be the most frustrating lately is the "are they yours question". My daughters are Korean and I am Caucasian so when I answer, "yes" we get these weird, probing looks.

[Anonymous]

It's tough. A little humor (or sarcasm) sometimes helps. Plus your child will learn how to handle things in their own way by watching your confidence and comfort with other people's issues. The questioner is the one with "issues" about the topic. Not you and definitely not your child.

There is always a potential plus side in that the other person is connected with or interested in adoption, but they didn't phrase their question or show their interest upfront. That's why whenever I ask anything about families, I always preface with "our family is blah blah blah, can I ask you about your blah blah blah?". I confess. I'm curious sometimes too.

So here goes with the jokes.

"Are they yours?"
Gosh I hope so. Otherwise someone owes me a lot for babysitting.

I'll tell ya, at 4 am with a stomach virus and an ear infection, I kind of wish they weren't mine. (lol or at least chuckle).

"What do you know about their real parents?"

Ummmm (big pause) Well I guess since I am her parent and I made it through the screening process, I'm pretty confident I got enough info. Although there are few college years I'd rather she not find out about.

I think I understand what you're asking, I'm just not sure I understand why you're asking. (Gives them a chance to back out if they're just being nosy.)

[Anonymous]

How about - We really believe that our child's adoption story is his/her story and that they should choose what to share when they are older. That's what they told us pre-adoption - hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about - We really believe that our child's adoption story is his/her story and that they should choose what to share when they are older. That's what they told us pre-adoption - hope it helps.

OP here. We were told this too, and I truly believe it. It just sounds so chiding to me that it's hard to actually come out with it to people I know. Guess I better start practicing! In response to questions like the real parents, it's a good idea to re-ask the question with the correct language. Thanks for the tip. So far, I've just said yes and left it at that, not having corrected the questioner.

I also have another unique situation that I wonder if people will comment on. I'm an adult Korean adoptee, who is adopting a Korean daughter with my Caucasian husband. Should be interesting to see if people will ask if she's "ours" when we're out as a family.

[Anonymous]

20:25 here. I have a friend with exactly the same family structure as you. People don't ask when all 3 of them are out together, nor do people ask when just her husband and daughter are out together. My husband says no one ever asks him anything, yet I am asked every question under the sun on a daily basis. I think woman are more approachable.

[Anonymous]

Your question reminds me of something I read in the "Ask Amy" column in today's Post: "Socially adept people have a way of acknowledging and deflecting all at once." In this case, I think it means to acknowledge that yes, that can be a issue, but it's not something to be get into at this time (or whatever excuse you want). And then immediately change the subject.

The southern way to handle such questions would be to say "Aren't you sweet to care. And how are you?" It's a completely non-answer and moves the focus onto the person asking the crazy question. If the person is so dense that she asks the same question again then, just smile and say nothing, causing an awkward silence for a moment, then change the subject. Or smile and say "I'd rather not talk about that." That's that.

[Anonymous]

I asked a very close friend about her child's story when she got her referral -- not knowing that it is not done. She told me very nicely that it is not her story to tell, it is the child's when or if she becomes ready to share it. I said, "Oh. Duh! Sorry for being obtuse..." and that was that. Point being that we are the closest of friends and have been talking about her adoption for a long time and I was still too dense to figure out for myself that this is a rude question. I certainly would not have asked if I had known. Maybe everyone who asks is not rude, just interested and/or excited for you and your growing family. Maybe they are thinking of adopting themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked a very close friend about her child's story when she got her referral -- not knowing that it is not done. She told me very nicely that it is not her story to tell, it is the child's when or if she becomes ready to share it. I said, "Oh. Duh! Sorry for being obtuse..." and that was that. Point being that we are the closest of friends and have been talking about her adoption for a long time and I was still too dense to figure out for myself that this is a rude question. I certainly would not have asked if I had known. Maybe everyone who asks is not rude, just interested and/or excited for you and your growing family. Maybe they are thinking of adopting themselves.

OP here. I should clarify that I doubt most people ask such questions to intentionally be rude; I'm sure they're really curious and (hopefully) excited. But I see these questions similar to asking biological parents how many times it took them to conceive, was the child planned, did they need fertility treatments, etc. Sure I might be wondering those questions, but I would never ask or discuss it unless that person volunteered it first.

As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I feel that this kind of info is something that only the person in question- me or my child- owns. So much of an adoptee's life is often beyond their control, that this is the one thing the adoptee can choose to share if they want. My child came from very difficult circumstances that are not at all like most Korean adoptees' backgrounds. I won't raise her to be ashamed of where she came from, but I'm not going to preempt her right to not share that with anyone if she doesn't want to.

Soooo...yes, I realize most people are genuinely interested or curious. And I'm trying to seek a way to NOT be rude back.

[Anonymous]

sometimes they just don't realize how rude/stupid/ignorant a question might be.

One good response to any rude question is: "Why do you ask?"

A response to the "real parent" question" that I have heard works for strangers and sometimes with the kids themselves (eg when they challenge you as teenagers): "Oh. I must be the IMAGINARY parent."

good luck

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a similar situation as you in that one of my kids has a particularly difficult - or actually, particularly awful - story and I don't want to even think about it much less share it. I also have two other kids who are adopted but don't have such awful stories - but no fairytale either.

I don't have any great responses for the questions that you are asking about. Usually, I just don't admit to knowing anything as opposed to saying that it isn't my story to tell. I don't have any qualms about such misrepresentations. I like it because it ends the inquiry. And, I don't have the type of personality that can pull off some of the witty statements that others suggest.

When I get questions about "real parents", which is almost never, I just look at the person waiting for them to rephrase because in this day and age, I just can't conceive of people being so ignorant as to use those terms. It takes just seconds before they realize just how stupid the question was. But, if I had an acquaintence like yours who asked this ignorant question often, I would probably be direct and tell him/her just how offensive that question is.

As you can see, I don't have much to add to your question. But, I wanted to raise something else for you thing consider as you formulate your responses. As your child/children get older, you may be faced with having to talk with the school, parents of your kids' friends, the parishioners of your church and many other people about your childrens' history - or parts thereof. I faced this earlier this week because one of my kids is having behavioral issues at school and in order to help form solutions for the problems, I thought it was important for the principal and counselor to know his history. While you are thinking about your responses to others about your childrens' status, you might want to be thinking about how and what you will reveal in this type of circumstance.

Congratulations on our adoption.

[mayaeroth]

Hi,
I just signed up as a member of DCUM and have to let all of those who have responded how grateful I am to be reading your responses: It is such a relief and a boon to see others instincts on this!!
So many of the responses resonated with what we are trying, and others just made me smile... (I love the Southern approach, though I cannot quite do it.)
We too try to restate the question in more adoption-positive language, and then just share with real openness and simplicity: "Yes, we do, and that is going to be so important to our son the more he ages." We hope the benefit of this is shifting the focus back onto our child's experience. The bummer is that it sometimes keeps people asking for more, making us feel rude when we try to shut it down.

The other one we dislike much is "Do you have any biological children?" for while it reflects a clarity on how one could refer to the differences, it reads like it is saying they would *really* be our children. There we feel much more clear about our reply: "No. And we feel so full of love for our child."

Trusting many people read Adoptive Family magazine: if not, we're grateful for the conversation rehearsals they offer as well as developmentally-appropriate ways of engaging our child himself.

[Anonymous]

Respond to those people the same way that you would respond to your 2 yo child that does something that you have just told her explicitly not to do:

-don't take it personally
-assume the best intentions instead of the worst (pure curiosity, can't help herself, too much energy, lacking smarts at that moment)
-redirect
-have a drink as soon as 5 rolls around

[Anonymous]

We really have always used the "It's DS's story to tell when he gets older, if he chooses to do so." We've really stuck to it, but more recently have let a few small details out (but nothing too personal). We also happen to have birthfamily contact in an int'l adoption and long before we did this, we had some intrusive family members asking "What do you know about the birthmother" etc. Stick to your guns -- most people understand this. I really do feel it's our son's story.

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine is Anglosaxon and adopted her children in Latin America. One time she was at the store with the children and the cashier asked her, "How much did they cost you?". I really admire my friend for how she reacted to that stupid question, as I am sure I would have exploded. My friend responded, "Oh, they are priceless...like I am sure are yours". Isn't that a great comeback?