How to respond to rude questions?

[Anonymous]

I am an adult who was adopted domestically into a family that already had two biological children. If you are still considering adoption, educate yourself as much as you can. Part of the reason why the whole application process is so thorough, is to root out those families who just don't seem up to the task, after all, it is a child's life you're talking about. I would also consider open adoption. This was not a concept when I was adopted, but I think that my adoptive mother would gladly have thought it an option.

As for people's questions, there will always be rude people, uneducated people, people who aren't pc. That's ok. Look for open-minded parents of kids that will turn into your child's playmates. Thus, they may still ask the questions, they won't have such a strong sting though.

The foster care system in this country is in shambles. If you can do a domestic adoption, do it.

My advice to you, while taking care to let the child speak about their biological parents as they wish, it is EXTREMELY helpful to have a few things to latch onto as a child that tie the child to their roots. (my own situation as an example).

To be honest, my teen years would have been completely unbearable, as well as my few first years away from my parents, if I hadn't previously known anything about my birth family.

Many will scoff at my next comment, as parents who care about the moral fabric of their children's lives. I work with kids, I know. But I'm going to say it anyway. If your adoptive child has suffered through hellish experiences with their birth family, find something, be it true or not entirely true, that is positive that the child can latch onto. Maybe even, your grandmother used to sew quilts.

The only reason I say this, is a child who has experienced difficulty early on has lots of self-esteem issues later in life that are very hard to shake (moi, case in point) What saved me was there were a few normal, positive facts that I knew about them. Simply the state the child is from, the color of their mother's eyes, the age they were relinquished, anything simple will do. This made it much easier for me to combat all of the negativity surrounding my conception and subsequent relinquishment by her.

This is also one of the reasons why support open adoption. One must be tenacious in it, though I think the idea of having a playmate, and parents that love the child far outweigh all of the judgements that come with being in a blended family.

I am also very very very opinionated about telling your child, (if they are adopted too young to notice or verbalize it), that she or he is adopted. I strongly believe that children should be told in 95% of circumstances. Even if there is difficulty involved due to the questions, and more so, the answers. It is very unsettling to be told later in life, any age, even 9, 10, 15, that well, I didn't tell you because.......... It creates unnecessary mistrust and a feeling of lack of stability. It is a lot of information to handle, at any point beyond those first few days of speech and language development. I think the feelings associated with not telling a child can create a whole emotional trauma and upheaval that isn't required.

Good luck to all parents embarking on this journey.

Adoption is one of the most wonderful gifts you could give to a person.

You will never be the perfect parent, though imagine the difference in a child's life between homelessness, series of foster homes, abusive biological parents, the list goes on and on.

There are many reasons to adopt. You won't ever have all the answers to all the questions.

What matters is that you're asking.