Birthday party conundrum

[Anonymous]

DD (who has HFA) used to never want birthday parties and would only attend a few a year if that and it was sensory overload. (We have been fortunate that DD has friends and some parents have invited the whole class, so she gets invited to some b-day parties.) This school year she has attended almost every party she has been invited to and enjoyed it (with some issues here and there). This is HUGE progress. So now she finally wants a party of her own-a small party?!

Here's the issue-we feel DC could handle having a small birthday party of just kids, but I cannot stand the thought of not inviting every girl who was kind enough to extend an invitation. I don't think the boys who extended invitations will feel left out if it's just a girl party, so that's not a concern. It's just the last thing I want to do is make any girl think she is being excluded because we know too well how that feels.

If I invite all the girls in her class, the girls she knows from outside school activities and a few close friends who are not in her class anymore....and even under half or a third of them came and maybe just a few parents want to attend, I think DD would freak out with anxiety at her own party.

Add to that one of her closest friends (who also has some SN) has a mother who is mortified to even have an IEP and anytime she is around kids with SN (including DD) she scrutinizes them and sometimes makes offensive and.or critical comments comments. She would insist on joining her DD.

So, yes, we are fortunate DD has gotten to this point, but I feel like there are landmines everywhere and we'd be better off just having a few 1-1 birthday playdates and a family thing. Never thought I'd complain about such issues, but it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: DD (who has HFA) used to never want birthday parties and would only attend a few a year if that and it was sensory overload. (We have been fortunate that DD has friends and some parents have invited the whole class, so she gets invited to some b-day parties.) This school year she has attended almost every party she has been invited to and enjoyed it (with some issues here and there). This is HUGE progress. So now she finally wants a party of her own-a small party?!

Here's the issue-we feel DC could handle having a small birthday party of just kids, but I cannot stand the thought of not inviting every girl who was kind enough to extend an invitation. I don't think the boys who extended invitations will feel left out if it's just a girl party, so that's not a concern. It's just the last thing I want to do is make any girl think she is being excluded because we know too well how that feels.

If I invite all the girls in her class, the girls she knows from outside school activities and a few close friends who are not in her class anymore....and even under half or a third of them came and maybe just a few parents want to attend, I think DD would freak out with anxiety at her own party.

Add to that one of her closest friends (who also has some SN) has a mother who is mortified to even have an IEP and anytime she is around kids with SN (including DD) she scrutinizes them and sometimes makes offensive and.or critical comments comments. She would insist on joining her DD.

So, yes, we are fortunate DD has gotten to this point, but I feel like there are landmines everywhere and we'd be better off just having a few 1-1 birthday playdates and a family thing. Never thought I'd complain about such issues, but it sucks.

Is there a way to have it at venue where your DD will not feel so over loaded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: DD (who has HFA) used to never want birthday parties and would only attend a few a year if that and it was sensory overload. (We have been fortunate that DD has friends and some parents have invited the whole class, so she gets invited to some b-day parties.) This school year she has attended almost every party she has been invited to and enjoyed it (with some issues here and there). This is HUGE progress. So now she finally wants a party of her own-a small party?!

Here's the issue-we feel DC could handle having a small birthday party of just kids, but I cannot stand the thought of not inviting every girl who was kind enough to extend an invitation. I don't think the boys who extended invitations will feel left out if it's just a girl party, so that's not a concern. It's just the last thing I want to do is make any girl think she is being excluded because we know too well how that feels.

If I invite all the girls in her class, the girls she knows from outside school activities and a few close friends who are not in her class anymore....and even under half or a third of them came and maybe just a few parents want to attend, I think DD would freak out with anxiety at her own party.

Add to that one of her closest friends (who also has some SN) has a mother who is mortified to even have an IEP and anytime she is around kids with SN (including DD) she scrutinizes them and sometimes makes offensive and.or critical comments comments. She would insist on joining her DD.

So, yes, we are fortunate DD has gotten to this point, but I feel like there are landmines everywhere and we'd be better off just having a few 1-1 birthday playdates and a family thing. Never thought I'd complain about such issues, but it sucks.

Is there a way to have it at venue where your DD will not feel so over loaded?

I will admit that I don't have a SN child, but this idea is a good one. One of my kids is easily overloaded and we had a birthday party at the Baltimore B&O train museum. We had the party room for 1.5 hours, had lunch there but there were only 5-6 kids per table (plus adults at a table for 10), then they went on the train ride where he only had to sit with his brother and another friend (and two parents). After that, they kids separated to play, some went on rides, some went to look at the model trains, some went to the play area, and some went to see the big trains. Everyone had fun that day, we got to see everyone but only for a short while each whenever our paths crossed. We got a lot of compliments from the other families, many of whom had never been to the train museum who loved it and my son wasn't overwhelmed by too many kids.

[Anonymous]

This is slightly crazy, but could you do two parties? One with school girlfriends and one with all the other friends? Keep them low key - just a pizza party and cupcakes at home or whatever, but one Friday and one Saturday?

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP! How about you do a small party with just the classmates, or whatever group of girls does not include the friend with the mom who makes rude remarks. Or whatever group of girls gives you the least heartburn! Then for the other ones, do a really special playdate. Or you could have two parties-- the kids do not need to know that there was more than one birthday party.

You are right that it's important to reciprocate, but reciprocation doesn't mean doing the exact same thing. Kids will just have to understand that a huge party is too much for your DD. A special playdate will assure them that your DD cherishes their friendship.

[Anonymous]

OP here-all of these posts are helpful. Keep them coming! I like the idea of a venue where DD won't feel overwhelmed. Would love some suggestions in N. Va. The Baltimore venue sounds awesome, but DD gets carsick, so we need something closer.

[Anonymous]

How about one of the nature centers or Michaels/AC Moore? Too bad Generous George's is no longer nearby - that was a great place for parties.

[Anonymous]

I would do several smaller, simpler home parties--and group friends who know each other together. If I had to divide groups up that knew each other, I would tell the parents that I wanted the party size to be more manageable and so Lara would be having two identical parties. Word gets around and no one wants to think they are tier B friends. This would be lots more work and trouble, but I would try to think of it as good friendship practice for my kid.


Good luck! My kid is not SN but shy and I think he would prefer smaller parties to the bigger, invite the whole grade parties we've been giving him. I don't like excluding kids and I wanted to maintain parental friendships. I think those parties were really more about strengthening ties, not so much for his enjoyment. Now that he's older, I can stick to only boys but still have a hard time trimming the list (he could do it, I can't). I am considering having 2 slumber parties next year because the idea of that many boys over at once seems overwhelming and not all the friends get along.

[Anonymous]

You could do something outside like at Frying Pan Park, the Hidden Oaks Nature Center, Meadowlark Gardens, or Colvin Run Mill. It doesn't have to be the biggest best party to make your kid feel special.