I cry after play dates
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Anonymous
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So, it's 2am and I woke up crying. I need to get better at this, just don't know how.
DS is 2 and we live in a building with lots of toddlers. Yesterday we had a building wide play date with about 15 kids. It was hard to watch the other kids who are developing at expected rates. My The moms were talking about the new words their kids have ect. I see their kids moving around better than DS understanding better than DS and it breaks my heart. They are little things, but I feel like they are reminders of the things DS will Miss out in life. And I want to be happy for them- but it cuts like a knife. We are in smart start- so he is getting support services, but it's just hard. I hate to say it- but sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to be his mom. I feel that, even at 2, these play dates are glimpses of things he won't achieve. Sorry this is rambiling, it's just hard to get coherent thoughts when you wake up in tears. |
Anonymous
I am sorry 
I find things generally look better in the morning. Try to get some rest. You are a good mom. |
Anonymous
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Oh huge hugs Op! Not sure what else to say but from what you re saying you sound like a great mom! You are getting him out and about and your whole heart is for your child! Let me repeat, You are a great mom! Of course you are tired emotionally and want the best for him! I can only imagine how your heart must break at times. But your love is so strong as you are an awesome mom! You can do this. "Mama said there would be days like this." You can do this! Repeat you got this ! Is there anyone who can give your break or help?
Hugs ! |
Anonymous
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A building wide play date with 15 kids sounds like a competitive Uber-mommy crapfest to me. I agree that any playdate is really, really hard when you have a child with delays, but these kind of round em up events are just recipes for disaster because the moms don't know each other and the only thing they have to talk about is, as you relate, how many words does each kid have, which expensive and competitive activities are they involved in, and one-upping each other.
OP, rather than looking at this as a glimpse of things he won't achieve, look at this as a kind of raw cultural pastiche being enacted around you. I myself felt that I had dodged a bullet when DD went to PEP instead of entering the preschool rat race and the WIPPSI (whatever it is called) high stakes testing racket. I got free pre school, my child benefited immensely, and most kids were caught up and ready in time for Kindergarten. Roll your eyes, good mommy, take some Tylenol PM, and hang in there. |
Anonymous
Hang in there! I would cry with a 15 kid play date.  your child will surprise you and you will be so happy when your child hits different milestones. One person told us after my sons diagnosis that "our highs would be higher and our lows would be lower" than parents of neurotypical kids... I definitely have found that to be true.
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Anonymous
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OP, I did the same exact thing yesterday when I came home from a playdate with my DS's friends he hasn't seen in 1 yr+. They are all 3 1/2 and have none each other since they were 1. I was stunned how far along developmentally the other boys were - having conversations, throwing balls. And the same thing happened, one mom got all concerned her son wasn't speaking as well as the other children at his preschool bz he's bilingual. I wept when I came home thinking about what had happened. It put a dark cloud on my afternoon.
I am still getting through this so it's hard to offer you any sage thoughts on how to get through it but my goodness, reading your post makes me realize we're not alone in this. We all want what's best for our children and it sounds like you are doing everything you can and you love your child beyond measure. |
Anonymous
As a teacher, and having been a child with learning issues (both brothers had learning issues, too)....I second this! Now my brothers and I are VERY successful (if I do say so, myself).... =) Hang in there, OP.....and other PP's.... |
Anonymous
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You will find the strength because you must and because moms and dads never fail unless they quit. It really will and does get better, and someday you'll know why and what you were called to do on this Earth. Peace! |
Anonymous
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15 kid playdates at that age are, i bet, stressful for most. there is a lot of comparison going on, regardless of how well kids hit milestones. there is always someone doing it better, running faster, a more committed/successful/beautiful mother etc.
as your kid grows the variance increases, you adapt and it's just not that stressful anymore. |
Anonymous
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Oh mom, here's a hug. I was in the same boat, DS started talking really late in full sentences, let alone phrases. Same went with potty training , fine motor skills. But you know what? There's always a friend out there. So he doesn't have 100 friends, but 2-3 close friends and that's great. My mantra is "as long as your kid is not an asshole, he'll be OK."
OP, if you toddler is any childcare facility or maybe Infants and Toddlers, initiate your playdates with those kids. DS is still friends with kids he went to SN preschool and he's in 2nd grade now! In fact, he is requesting to go to overnight camp with them, everyone is very excited. |
Anonymous
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Virtual hugs, OP. A few disconnected thoughts:
1) It's OK to cry and vent when you hit your limit, this type of parenting is very hard. 2) You're not alone; others have been through this and empathize. 3) 2 is really early in life. Plenty of time for future development. 4) I know it's hard but try not to compare with other children's development. In the final analysis it doesn't matter when play skills are developed, whether it happened as fast as with one's peers, as long as they are ultimately developed. 5) Again I know it's hard but try not to get caught up in where your child is developmentally at that moment. Every day with any progress at all is a good day. Don't compare with where you may want your child to be; focus on moving forward, inch by inch, from where they now are. 6) When my child was bit older than yours, they watched a TV movie with a song about a first best friend. I cried because I could not imagine them ever having a best friend based on their total perplexity in play situations. Now DC is 8 and has tons of great friends at a regular school. 7) These are very complex skills. For us playdates were two steps forward, two steps back for a very, very long time. I think I cried after playdates up to the ages of 5-6. Give yourself and your child some slack for how hard things are at age 2. |
Anonymous
Oh, and this, too. The wee hours of the night are tough on perspective. |
Anonymous
| It's okay to mourn, too. Really. This is hard and different than the parenting experience that you imagined. It's okay to be sad about that. |
Anonymous
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This was me 6 yrs ago. Things get so much better OP!!
Right now DS is in the basement with a buddy who spent the night. they're playing xbox, laughing and having a ball. his buddy is NT for what its worth. |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel your pain. Know you're not alone.
I have to say though, even if your kid isn't developing at the same rate as his peers, a lot of moms really lay it on thick and gild the lily as it were. So take all the comments on "accomplishments" with a grain of salt. I always appreciated non-shop talk any way. I could care less about meaningless "growth percentiles" and would rather talk about what's going on in the world. So don't think you need to talk about just your kid. I'm sure it would be very refreshing for a lot of parents/care givers. |